any second now...

Ack...I'm SO tired.  I got here at work at about 5:55 am.  I get off work at 3pm, and I'm going to visit my dad's grave.  I have to come back to work because my friend said she would drive me to the airport when she gets off at 4pm.  I've already printed my boarding pass, so I'm all set.

I'm SO looking forward to this weekend.  I really need this get away.  The Crossfire will be ready at 8am, and I should be receiving a phone call ranting and raving on how cool it is, hee hee!

Look at how BEAUTIFUL this car is!  I believe it's the Coupe Limited because that's the cheapest version in the metalic silver blue color...holy cow, I think I want THAT instead of the PT Cruiser when I get a car.  But it's not practical, and I'm not trying to comensate for my penis size.  But the drool factor is definitely there...see the wonder that is The Chrysler Crossfire! 

THE CROSSFIRE

*sigh*

OH!  The gal getting my mini iPod case is getting it at the John Mayer concert tonight in Indiana.  I'm hoping to get my first choice of black.  I think I'll actuallly BUY my iPod in September.  I'm not in a hurry.  I was thinking I wanted it before I go to Canada, but that's ok.

Alright, back to work...

We just rented the Crossfire...it's blue-ish silver.  <----Aren't these little bits of color awesome?  "Gives is a little kick, dontcha think?"

(Ok...what movie is that line in quotations from?  Answer next Blog entry...)

Does anyone have ANY idea how much I need this little vacation?  Holy cow...

So in my anger at this HUGE lifted truck this morning that couldn't get his car in gear at the car pool light on the on ramp, I yelled (as if he could hear me):  "YOU STUPID IDIOT IN YOUR PENIS-COMPENSATING TRUCK, LEARN HOW TO DRIVE THAT THING BEFORE USING IT!"

Penis-compensating truck.

I have to mention that because isn't funny the things you say in the heat of anger?  When I was with one of my co-workers going to lunch, she yelled at these girls going the wrong way in the parking lot:  "YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY YOU STUPID DYKE CARPET ASSES!"

She had in mind "carpet munchers" and "ass holes" and combined the two in her anger.  I guess it could have come out "ass munchers" but the other way was way funnier.

*sigh* (I like the sound of my name...hahaha!)

I cleaned the living room last night.  I dusted, moved the rest of my CD's and DVD's out and vaccuumed...SO much nicer!

I was talking to a friend of mine last night, and he mentioned that he had a friend who was always in a bad mood because his house was cluttered.  Someone suggested he hire a maid to clean up for him, and his mood changed.  He said that he felt lighter and like his life was in order.

I think THAT is what's happening to me.  I feel SOOOOOOO much better that the living room is in order.  I feel like I've acomplished something and I feel like there is order in my life.  My mind is already chaotic, so I don't want my environment to be.

THAT'S why I'm fairly more organized at work.  I do have piles of papers, but very very small ones.  Everything else is labelled and in a file, or a drawer in a file.  I often wondered why I can do that at work but barely at home.  Now I know why:  my desk organization makes me feel like I have control over my environment and allows me more clarity (yes, another John Mayer reference...if he only knew...for those keeping track, thats the first song on Heavier Things). 

So now, I need to feel this sense of clarity at home.  My life is muddled and confusing, even if there is some beacon of hope and strength that you out there see in me.  I'm in a state of needing things to be tangible because the bulk of what I'm going through is emotional.  I feel so much emotion that if I see things are cluttered, the physical part of my life emulates then my mental state, and EVERYTHING is wrong with the world.

OH!  I went to an FM 949 "Random Act Of Kindness" and got a free t-shirt and CD.  I got the new Blink 182 album.  I meant to buy it before the concert in June, but I'm glad I got it for free.  I already like it...
 
Sorry for the digression.  I'm listening to it right now, and it's soooo mature.  I've got my sister's "Enema of the State" and it's so much different.  I like the song with Robert Smith from The Cure on the new one called "All of This".  It was HILARIOUS to see little kids who weren't even born when The Cure was at it's height wearing Cure buttons or t-shirts because of Blink.  I guess if it gets them to expand their musical horizons, more power to them.

Alright...folks...ONE MORE DAY TO VEGAS!

I know I said I hate going to Vegas, but I really really REALLY need this trip away.  We're renting a Crossfire because he said that we can't just stay at The Venetian and not drive up in an awesome ride.  So he called me this morning and said, "it will be the cherry on top of our sundae..."

Oh yeah!

I bought a John Mayer door hanger on Ebay...I also asked someone to get me a John Mayer custom iPod case because I forgot to get one when I went to the concert. 

I don't own an iPod yet.

Geek.  Yes, I've come to terms with that.  I'm ok with my geekiness, so don't bother lighting a candle for me.  I am a self proclaimed geek.

VEGAS IN 2 DAYS MUTHERFUCKERS!

Have you noticed that my blogs have been a little on the light side?  John Mayer and going to Vegas.  It's because everything else is SO heavy.

Heavier Things.

(PSSSSST!  BTW, that's John Mayer's newest album title, thought I'd slip that in there...)

I'm upset with my Home Life (GEEZ, no more John Mayer references!  That's a song, which is the 6th song on the new CD...carry on).  After inadvertently making my mom cry last night, I've decided to just not deal with the fact my sister is letting my parent's house fall apart.  I just need to take my mom's advice and just do my own thing.  I've already cleaned out the living room, so none of my furniture or clothing is in that room anymore.  Just the things on the coffee table (CD's and DVD's).  Tonight, I'm going to dust it and vaccuum it and water the plants and keep it looking decent.  Tomorrow, I'm going to try and clear the rest of my stuff from the family room, then start trashing everything when I get back from Vegas.

So Vegas and John Mayer are my distractions.  Plus these absolutely ADORABLE pink little slip ons that I got at the mall during lunch...

These weekly mood swings are ridiculous.  I feel like I'm constantly having PMS.  One minute I'm irratic and the next I'm going with the flow. 

I swear, if I didn't write everything down, I'd be a basket case.

Friday...where are you?

I want it to be Friday already.

Why?  Because on Friday, I will be in The Venetian in Las Vegas.  I'll have a beautiful suite, wonderful companionship, and not a care in the world...*sigh*

 

Have you ever had a few kind words make your day?

That happened to me last night.  Someone said just a few little words to me that just made me feel really good.  It was one of those "Awww...me too!" kinda feelings, and I hope that person realizes how he good he made me feel.

It's like hearing the beginnings of a song that you haven't heard in a long time, or when you see a picture of a happy moment while rummaging through the junk drawer.  It's like when you see the movie "Big" on TV and have to sit down and watch it because it gives you that warm fuzzy feeling inside.  I like to take the time to pause for those moments and let that good feeling wash over me.

Moments like that pluck you right out of where you are and remind you that everything will be ok.

It's quote time:

"and painted the town shades of wine and Scotch" - David Ryan Harris (Musician)

Isn't that a cool quote?  Instead of the predictible "Painted the town red".  The above description is so tangible I can taste it.  He said that in a blog, not in a song.  Damn good.

"And who cares about what fits, anyway. Nothing fits anything anymore.The world is a drawer of mismatched socks. " - John Mayer

I love that man, have I mentioned that already?  Here's another one:

"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against." - John Mayer

*sigh*  Yup...I swooned. 

I have one.  I posted it in response to the following narrative from someone who wrote this long winded and trite blurb, trying to sound whimsical and meditative.  The reason I like the earlier quotes is because they are observations or descriptions that were written to simply...observe life.  The following was obviously written in hopes that John Mayer would read them...I know that sounds funny, but the person posted it at a John Mayer fan site and message board.  The oberservations in this persons little piece called "Commonality and Cliche" is just one big...dare I say...cliche:

"It's mornings like this one that I both truly relish and strangely loathe. Everyone off and about their days while mine quietly and slowly ebbs by with not a soul to take notice of it but me (and this random board). At not quite eight, I've been awake for almost two hours, and considering the previous day's travel (and days of restless thought) wakefulness has stretched out tirelessly for days.

Last night while lying in bed watching the lights flash on and off from the street lights and the hum of the city streets nearby certain truths and even one that has become cliched became evident to me (that I want to share with ya'll):

No matter the lessons learned (or yet to be) or the love you have for it - so protected, swaddled so closely in the a soul's reverent need for belonging to a place and time, the simple cliched truth is as they say, "You really can't go home again". Looking out the window this morning my eyes take in the city but only as an observer; I am in it but I am no longer of it. It is a solitary place when you realize belonging no longer requires of you a place yet you are not able to let go for fear of the unknown that will fill the void."

Ok, now here's my response:

"I believe it's not always good to over analyze things.  Sometimes I love to go shopping for the sheer pleasure of buying something that looks good on me, or to come home with something brand new. Sometimes I wake up and think, "Fuck, do I have to go to work this morning?" but get my ass up and go anyway because I want to pay my bills.Sometimes I eat because I'm hungry, and sometimes I pee because it's necessary. I eat ice cream and have sex for the same reasons: I like it.
 
I'm not negating your thread, but pondering life just for the sake of doing it may not yield the answers you are seeking. "

Taurus
Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
 
Seek honest advice from someone you know well, but remember that in the end, it's your opinion that counts the most when it comes to your life. Now would be the right time to take a step forward with your self-improvement program. Even better, enlist a friend so you can help each other stay on target. If you're feeling lazy, replace the grandiose plans with a relaxed trip to the museum or a foreign film. Appearing in the right place at the right time can be like money in the bank.

I think the stars are aligned with me directly for some reason...

Dear friends-

I don't know who's still reading this damned thing anymore...but I thought I'd address you directly instead of indirectly.  Not sure what THAT means, but here goes...

I'm sensitive.  I've very and overly sensitive.  No, it's not the female thing...I'm just very sensitive right now.

I'm also needy.  I feel very alone, like no one is on my side.  I'm emotional, and I've never been this way before.  I feel trapped and cornered, and I also feel like I'm alone in a big field of wheat and I can't find anyone or anything. 

Be patient with me, please.

Thank you.

Fuck it all.
 
Ok, let's clarify that, shall we?
 
I'm annoyed...by everything.  Everything bugs me.  I'm just displeased with the whole of everything. 
 
I'm SO not in a good mood.  Maybe it's just best that I don't talk to anyone at all today.
 

  
 

I was going to edit my other post, but I decided that this would be a "suppliment".
 
I think THIS is what's bothering me:  I feel this incredible obligation to do right by my parents.  If I owned the house, I would forego a lot of the recreational stuff and make it my project to take care of the house FIRST and FOREMOST.  I would spend an entire weekend in the garden cleaning it up myself and the next few weekends on the garage and eat the save the expense of hiring someone and spend money on tools that will help me maintain everything in the future. 
 
I tried to tell my sister before our blow up yesterday.  She said that I don't see what they do during the day when I'm not there, but I what she doesn't realize is I also don't see results from anything that they're doing.  The garage looks the same, but now there's a REMOTE CONTROL CAR work station. 
 
THIS is what's symbolic of why I think they aren't going to pull it off.  I would have had some faith if this ONE thing was taken care of:  My sister cooked lumpia in a pot full of oil/grease before my mom left back on June 18.  A week after that, I reminded her that she needs to throw that out.
 
The pot is still there, filled with grease and who knows WHAT has been created after sitting there for over a month.
 
Now YOU tell me, would you have any faith?
 
Yeah, me neither.
 

How's THIS for irony:
 
Taurus
Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
 
Do something creative around the house. Get in touch with your inner decorator, gardener or carpenter. Keep on knocking on doors to places you want to go. Happy private activity takes your mind off the world outside the gates. Let yourself be absorbed in your niche and get happy.

Would that it were true...

Someone PLEASE take me back to this weekend...
 
I am TIRED of living in my house.  I cannot stand that the people I live with are basically TEENAGERS with a house.
 
Yes, I know I'm talking about my very own sister.  I know I should be helping out, and I have.  I have been very quiet, and very laid back for the last month.  But it's SO hard to watch my parents house fall apart before my very eyes.
 
I'm not finished with my room or my mother's yet.  But that's not going to take very long.  It's mostly folding and trashing.  The rest of the house is barely kept up, and everything is a fucking mess.  I do the bulk of the cleaning, and what have I see either of them do?  BUILD FUCKING REMOTE CONTROL CARS.
 
Do you realize how hard it is to know that my brother in law is spending all hours of the night working on remote control cars?  My sister brought over her remote control car and wanted me to admire how cool it looks.  All I could think was, "Didn't you learn your lesson when you were planning your wedding?"  My sister and her husband ran out of their own money for the wedding, and had to go to his parents and my parents to ask for more money.  When they broke down the expenses they've been running up, they saw that they had spent a good amount of money on REMOTE CONTROL CARS.
 
So I come home yesterday, what do I see?  Their friends with a little race course outside on the col-de-sac, RACING THEIR REMOTE CONTROL CARS.  I was sooooo incensed.  I had a difficult time acting like nothing was bothering me.  Then I just lost it.  I had to tell my sister what I was feeling...that I've been depressed watching my father's garden fall apart because they lied about watering it twice a week.  I can't stand cleaning after them in the kitchen and bathrooms.  I yelled that our parents worked, raised children AND kept a clean house.  All of those empty promises she made of re-doing the bathrooms, kitchen and garage.  All fucking pipe dreams and lofty, unreachable goals.
 
My sister slammed the garage door and fled the house in front of all of her friends.
 
GEEZUS!  So I called my mom, and she said to just leave them alone.  Let the house fall apart and let them pick up the pieces.  They know that they're supposed get everything done before she comes home.  She said that my role is to just take care of my bathroom and our bedrooms, the rest is up to them.  Then she said if she sees that they can't do it, that she's going to sell the house because she cannot bear to watch them destroy what my mom and dad have kept up for so long.  She would rather know the house was being cared for by strangers than destroyed by her own daughter.
 
Apparently, they have a gardener and garage "organizer" they are hiring.  My mom said they CANNOT use her funds for that organizer person for the garage, but they can use it to pay for the gardener, as long as after it's clean that the maintenance will be easy.
 
They have NO FUCKING idea what it's like to keep a house.  They've never lived on their own, paid true rent or anything else.  They are two 30 year old teenagers who got a home for free and have no idea what they're doing.  They are just playing house, hoping things will take care of themselves.
 
Well, sister...it doesn't work that way.
 

 

My ass has been sufficiently rocked...
 
Yes, John Mayer ROCKED MY ASS OFF last night.  However, I feel like I saw 2 different artists this weekend.  There was a guy named John Mayer who played the Irvine Meadows concert...then there was this other guy with the same name who played in San Diego.
 
July 17, 2004
VERIZON WIRELESS AMPHITHEATER (formerly IRVINE MEADOWS)
Irvine, CA
 
I went to the Irvine Meadows concert on Saturday with a good friend's cousin, and we had a great time working, but I will never be able to be THAT perky for THAT long ever again (if you remember from the previous blog entry, we were doing promotion for a site called True.com and we were giving away free items like hats, shirts and towels for signing up).   It's hard to be perky for 5 hours then watch a show.  But it was free, and I was determined to see John Mayer.
 
For some reason, the show left much to be desired.  I've seen John twice before this show, and I know what he is capable of.  But this Irvine show was a strange one.  He was incredibly tentative and deliberate.  He sang a Marvin Gaye song ("Inner City Blues" I think?) and had a little "do the right thing" type speech at the introduction of the song.   I guess I felt like he was doing his civic duty to remind us to vote, even if he didn't want to impose his views on who to vote for.  But it really felt like everything he did lead up to that "message" and then nothing else that happened after the message was standout.   It was a good "show" and not much more.  Plus, it was SHORT.
 
Highlights:  David Ryan Harris on the True.com stage, and Scotty Crowe within close proximity and VISIBLE.  I've never seen Scotty up close and personal, and my...is he a cutie!
 
Here's the set list:
 
Clarity
Bigger Than My Body
No Such ThingNew Deep
Something's Missing
Wheel
Back To You
Split Screen Sadness
Your Body is a Wonderland
Come Back To Bed
Inner City Blues (with DJ Logic)
Why Georgiaencore
Home Life (solo)
Neon (with David David David)
83
 
(While writing this, I found out that the Irvine show was an "industry show" where it was mostly important suits and their families in attendance.  If true, then I completely understand why John was out of sorts.)
 
July 18, 2004
COORS AMPHITHEATER
Chula Vista, CA
 
Yesterday was the San Diego show...and it felt like I was the John Mayer who I have come to know and love.  He was smart, funny, honest and interesting.  I didn't mind the solos this time because there was so much at the beginning, in the middle and after.  I could see that he wasn't as deliberate...like he didn't care who was watching anymore and only cared that he enjoyed himself. 
 
Highlights:  Oh SO many!  The line from "City Love" that he changed to "She keeps her TAMPONS at my place..." instead of "toothbrush" received a rousing "EWWWW!" from the crowd.  Also the "Guitar" shirt that John was sporting and his bass player's "Bass" shirt was cute.  Then he had a whole backlash at the critics who have accused him of being a cheap imitation of greats such as Stevie Ray Vaughn, Jimi Hendrix and Buddy Guy.  He said that he knows he's impersonating them, "THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT!" and when it came to his own solo in "Back to You" he said, "This is ME!" and played his heart out.  He worried that we weren't enjoying ourselves, and kept wanting to make sure we were going to have our asses rocked off during the whole show.  When he got to "Comfortable" he said, "I'm going to leave you with an oldie..." then mused about how he's glad that we have given him a career that allows him to have oldies.  Awww, thank YOU John!
 
Funny moments:  The swinger couple a few rows in front.  My friend, this girl in the row in front of us and I were trying to figure out who was sleeping with whom...comedy.
 
The set list was well chosen:
 
No Such Thing
New Deep
Why Georgia
Come Back To Bed
My Stupid Mouth 
City Love
Back To You 
Bigger Than My Body
Old Love 
Your Body is a Wonderland 
Clarity
encore
Daughters (solo)
3x5 (solo)
Comfortable (solo)
 
If you haven't seen a John Mayer show, go see one.  Take a quickie listen to his CD's to get a feel for the kind of music you'll be hearing, then go see a show.  It really is worth it, I promise you.  Even with the screaming teenaged girls crying out to have John's children.  If you can filter them out, then you'll have a great time.
 
(Set lists courtesy of johnmayer.com and Road Journal by Scotty Crowe)

TEENIE MOMENT:
 
I just found out that I get to work the John Mayer Irvine Meadows concert tomorrow!  I get paid, AND I get to watch Johnny boy for FREE.
 
Ah...the things that brighten up my day.
 
What do I mean "work the John Mayer concert" you ask?  It's an events promotions company, and I have to hand out fliers for a site called true.com, which is a dating service type site.  Hey, it's from 4-8pm only, and I get to see John for free.  Which also means I probably get to hear the sound check or something cool like that.
 
Whatever the case, it's John Mayer for free...did I say that already?  Well, let me say it again:
 
JOHN MAYER FOR FREE!
 
Thank you.
 

Last night was the performance of a band called Jacob's Loc.  Who's Jacob and why does he have a loc, you ask?  Anyone who knows me knows that I used to run an O-Town fan site.  Yes, yes...it's all true.  I have been a boy band junkie for awhile.  NKOTB and the like, you know.
 
So I had this fan site called Destination O-Town.  Remember O-Town from "Making The Band" on ABC?  Yeah, them.  I had the idea after having a club on Yahoo and it grew from there.  I ran it with just one other girl, then I had several people join, including my sister.  It became this phenomenon within the O-Town community, and soon the band, their families, and their management all knew us.  We got to meet the band every show backstage, and the DCrew staff (my staff) even had fans.  It was a crazy time.  I knew a lot of people and went to a lot of shows.
 
I knew I wasn't going to be running this site for very long because of the shelf life of boy bands.  I predicted about 2 years max for this band, and I was mostly right.  I think they went for about 3 and after their 2nd album, they decided to call it quits.  I ended my site right when the new album was breaking. 
 
Why you ask?  I had a vision for my site to be the best run and most informative fan site out there.  I wanted it to be confused with the official site, and it often was.  We had reviews in music magazines, I was interviewed quite a bit, people were soliciting us for advertising space and giving me free stuff in return.  I worked with MTV, ABC, J-Records, and O-Town's official fan club (which was also *Nsync's fan club management...I was able to get sound check passes for a couple of my staff members who were fans).  I was always able to get the most recent information out to the fans.  It was the best run fansite out there for a good little while.
 
After the Britney tour (O-Town opened), I started working for Fox Searchlight/Antwone Fisher Productions.  I got very busy, and I also started got back together with a person who I had wanted to rekindle a romance with for sometime.  I was also still running my choir.  I didn't have the luxury of working on my site from my computer like I did at my old job, nor did I have the luxury of taking time off because I was working hourly with no benefits on the "Antwone Fisher" movie (yes, the one directed and produced by Denzel Washington...watch the credits, I'm in them!).   Basically, I just didn't have time to be as vigilant as I used to be of O-Town news.   I was jumping from one project to the next after Antwone Fisher, my dating life was souring, and and frankly, O-Town just wasn't important anymore. 
 
Then 3 girls from my staff got possesive and obsessive.  I'm sure they would hate to know that I said that, but right now...they're STILL running their site AND still pursuing O-Town members as if the band were still together.  It did not end well, and on the goodbyes on my site, they wanted to say "From the ashes of Destination O-Town rises the pheonix..." I said HELL NO and asked that they not make it seem like this was some boy band cult and act like this is the thing that it was:  A FAN SITE, not an obsession.
 
Then I closed Destination O-Town.  It was over.
 
So Jacob Underwood is a member of O-Town, and he is from San Diego.  My favorite member was Ashley Angel, and he lives in LA right now.  There's also Trevor Pennick, Dan Miller, and Erik Michael Estrada (no relation to the CHIPS guy...so we think...). 
 
Jacob has a band.  It's called Jacob's Loc.  They have performed several times in San Diego, and last night was one of those times.
 
With this build up, you would think that I saw them.
 
Well, I didn't.  Haha.
 
I was supposed to see them tonight, but my friends in LA had suffered a family tragedy, and cannot go with me to the show in Santa Monica.  I'm not stressed.  But we were looking forward to seeing the faces of the gals who still run their site and see their reaction to my attendance.   I would have gone to last night's show at The Casbah, but I got wind that those ladies were going and I didn't want to see them and ruin my evening. 
  
Did that sound harsh?  I guess I just basically don't have time to deal with trivialities.  I'd like to have a descent conversation with them, but I know that the only way for them to not act like the high school drama queens is if I mentioned that my father passed away this year.  THAT would stop them in their tracks and hopefully they would realize that I really don't care about anything that was in the past and all the things that went along with trying to run my old website.  That was a different life, this is a whole new one.

   
 

First off...WHOA, it's all like new in here.  I know you can't see it, but there's all this new stuff when I post something! Neat.
 
I've been digging my horoscopes lately: 
 
Taurus

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)It's an excellent day to learn new things. You will encounter like-minded individuals who will prove to be inspirational. Perhaps one of them will turn out to be a mentor, or maybe you will end up giving important advice to a new person in your life. Use your newfound knowledge to your best advantage and at least one person will be impressed. In your personal life, people will want to confide in you. Listen well because you could impact someone's life with your advice.

Looks like the stars agree with me:

Taurus

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)

You want to surge ahead, but something is dragging you back. You feel tied down even though there is no physical rope to be found anywhere. Your mind might be what's keeping you back. Let go a little to see how it feels ... then try a little more. The stars may be nudging you toward doing something uncharacteristically impulsive. If possible, try to avoid making decisions surrounding financial matters.

Hi, how are you? Good...sorry about the other day. I had a minor breakdown. Very minor, but very emotionally charged.

I'm better now, but not whole yet. I need these firsts to end. Once they're seconds and thirds, I'm sure I can sleep easier.

Four months and 8 days.

See, I knew I hated math...all those numbers and such.

I need to sleep.

I often wonder how I get through days like this. I'm incredibly sad, and here I am at work, trying to muddle through. I feel sleepy and weighted.

I wanted to come into work, not only to get through a training that is required, but because I needed to be out. I just didn't want to be at home, and I didn't want to be anywhere else either.

I was just listening to Adam Sandler on the radio earlier this morning, and he was talking about his dog, Meatball. He's had that dog for awhile, and he died not too long after he got married (I think). Then this year, his father passed away...then I thought about Weird Al, and both his parents live here in San Diego and died in a carbon monoxide accident...both at the same time, and they were healthy otherwise.

It was strange to think about that because you think "they're celebrities, what would they know about what I'm going through, they have their money to keep them warm and safe at night." But you hear about the tragedy of their loss and suddenly the world shrinks again.

I've been saying that death is the great equalizer. Everyone is born, and everyone dies. These 2 things are inevitable. It's just the where and when that differs, and how one lives their lives. But we are all human, and death reminds us of that.

So I know what Adam Sandler and Weird Al are going through, and if they knew about me, they'd feel the same way. It's strange for me to equate that to my situation, but there's safety in numbers...there's comfort in knowing that it's a part of life and that's what will make me feel like I'm not alone in this.

And I'm not alone. I have my family and friends. But this day just makes me very aware and reminds me not to focus on the little things. I forget that everyone is going through something of their own, and that although what I'm going through is quite large and extreme, not everyone is going through it. People try to see this from my point of view, but they can't. They really can't. And I'm not making them because it's not fair.

But forgive me if I forget a little and wallow in this every now and again. Sometimes the pain overtakes me and I am drowning.

This is one of those times...

Happy Birthday, daddy.

I miss you terribly...

Dear friends,

Tomorrow will be a very difficult day. It's going to be my father's birthday, so if I don't respond right away, or wait a day to talk to you, it's because I just need the day to myself. I will visit my father's grave, and just wish him a happy birthday. Then I will want some time for me.

I'll resume my place in the real world on Wednesday.

Thanks for understanding.

xoxo
me

I bought "The Butterfly Effect" yesterday. No, I'm not an Ashton Kutcher fan..although I do like those tall boys (like John Mayer, hee hee). But I digress...

I bought the DVD because I have always been fascinated by time travel and the Chaos Theory. Apparently the phrase Butterfly Effect comes from a story by Ray Bradbury called "A Sound Of Thunder". You'll see why they named the theory as such when you read the story.

The simple explanation is that an infintesimile action in the past can create incrementally larger change in the future. Here's a good quote:

The flapping of a single butterfly's wing today produces a tiny change in the state of the atmosphere. Over a period of time, what the atmosphere actually does diverges from what it would have done. So, in a month's time, a tornado that would have devastated the Indonesian coast doesn't happen. Or maybe one that wasn't going to happen, does.

Edward Lorenz, a meteorologist in the 1960's was performing an experiment on predicting the weather. He entered equations into a computer that would model the weather. One day, to save time he started in the middle of the sequence of equations instead of the beginning and he received results that evolved very differently than what he had originally input from beginning to end.

For whatever reason, this concept is always such a fascinating thing for me to wrap my mind around. Even movies like "Back To The Future" and "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure" touch upon these theories, and I can't get enough of the subject.

I think I like this theory because it means that one simple meeting with a person could alter the path of your life. One single event could change everything. Even before my father's passing, this idea was always something that I have been completely interested in to the point of buying books about it. I watched all of the extra features on my DVD last night, because they explained a little about Chaos Threory and what it entails.

I think about that all the time, and I keep thinking, "Why didn't we just probe the doctors more about alternate procedures for my dad?" But you know what? We didn't do that. But I can't keep beating myself up over that. What if we decided to wait on the surgery, and my dad passed away at home because the tumor ruptured, would THAT be better? I don't think so. I'd like to think that we did everything we could, and my father did everything that he thought would work...but for some reason it just didn't work out.

The DVD has 2 different endings, the director's cut and the theatrical release. Both are extremely different, and I prefer the theatrical release, but I won't explain why. Go rent it or buy it if you haven't already seen it. Then watch the special features and gain a little more knowledge on the subject. It will really make you think about how different your life may have been, and the phrase "If only I had just done (insert event) instead, maybe things would be better" might not be so attractive.

I forgot to post what happened to me this morning:

I called the San Diego County Water District to change the billing from my dad's name to my mom's name so that I can pay from our joint account. The person says, "City of San Diego Water District, this is Tricia how may I help you?" I proceed to tell her my name and she says, "Sigh, it's Trish..." I'm thinking, "Ok...." then she says, "Tricia, your godsister!" I just about fell out of my chair and we both laughed out loud. I haven't seen her since my father's funeral in March and we had meant to call each other and have dinner. So we exchanged phone numbers and we're going to meet up sometime in the next couple of weeks.

It made my day to hear a very familiar voice. It was funny when I said let me get your cell phone number before I tell you why I'm calling, and she said, "not if you're gonna yell at me!"

Doesn't this world just get smaller and smaller?

Taurus

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
You may be feeling frustrated as you wish to complete projects but cannot due to forces beyond your control. Things may seem to be swirling around you when you just want to take the time to get organized. Don't worry, a project will come together soon if you approach it one step at a time. A good outlet for you would be meditation. If you have to spend money today, only buy something you've been needing for a while. Don't make any impulse purchases or you may regret it.

My life is an impulse purchase...

Don't ask me what that means.

So yeah, I know I have to get organized, and I eventually will. I think I'll really be able to get into the meat of it this weekend and next weekend.

My little weight loss plan is working. Eating healthier is definitely yielding a change, and I find that things that used to be extremely snug are now a little lose. I'm hoping to at least get my weight to where I want by the end of the month, then continue to work on toning. I bought a new bathing suit, and I will buy one more in Vegas at the end of the month.

Alright, no big insights today. It's almost lunch time.

OH! I did speak to someone who I haven't talked to in a couple of years. I met her during my whole O-Town phase (PLEASE do not ask me to elaborate on that right now, that was a fun but frustrating time, lol). She and I used to be really close but lost touch when I ended the website (Destination O-Town). So in light of everything, I decided to touch base with her again, and I'm glad I did. She had been through quite a bit, and she has grown a lot in the last year or so. It was nice to catch up and rekindle the friendship.

More on expectations, but even more on STRESS.

Again, not to think that everyone should be like me (because that would be one erratic and nuerotic place), but I think that people should be conscientious.

The thing I was psyching myself out about this past weekend (other than about my dad)...full moon shit. That was definitely about ME and I take ownership of that. But the thing I'm talking about now is something completely different.

Stress is relative. Don't like the sound of that? Let me explain: Stress is relative to your situation, and it is definitely what you make of it. Poor planning and being ill prepared will cause you to be stressed because you are not ready for the insurgence of activity that somehow fell upon you.

This relates back to "no one can make you feel guilty or sad without your consent." The same can be said about stress. There are stressful situations. But it is your own doing if you allow that stress to affect YOU.

From dictionary.com:

stress

6a. A mentally or emotionally disruptive or upsetting condition occurring in response to adverse external influences and capable of affecting physical health, usually characterized by increased heart rate, a rise in blood pressure, muscular tension, irritability, and depression.

Ok, so what did you do or not do that caused an "adverse external influence" to happen? Did you not meet a deadline? Did you yell at someone and they yelled back? Did you forget to do something and it came back to bite you and now you're "stressed"?

I won't be so cold and say that sometimes there will be situations where someone will suddenly dump something in your lap that you didn't expect, and so you are stressed because you have to get that thing done in a certain amount of time. That can be stressful for that period in time. Once you are over that hump, then the stress should be relieved. But if you KNEW something needed to be done in a certain amount of time, but didn't do it...isn't that stress caused by yourself because you didn't plan and didn't anticipate? Someone reminding you that you didn't do it shouldn't be stressful, because if you actually did it, there would be NO STRESS, right?

RIGHT.

So back again to stress being relative. I think the biggest "adverse external influence" to happen lately is the death of my father. SO much has been going on that I can't imagine making ONE SIMPLE PHONE CALL would create such stress in one's life that it could be greater than everything that is happening as a result of my father's death. Nope, no matter how much someone cries about it, complains about it, says that "you just don't understand what I'm going through" can honestly kiss my ass.

Is this addressed to someone in particular? You bet it is. I won't mention HER name or who she is, because if she still reads my blog, I want her to realize it's her that I'm talking about, and I hope she realizes it in the first few short paragraphs.

I hate to be this mean, but I just don't get it. I don't understand how anything could be more stressful than THIS. That's the whole reason I feel that I've changed. I KNOW I have never felt this much pain. That's why my tattoo was a piece of cake. For a few minutes I was in extreme pain and I was physically stressed. But when I said to myself, "Ok, this physical pain is nothing compared to the emotional hell I've been through...so SUCK IT UP!" I was sore, and it's plenty itchy right now, but I got through it.

No stress that I could have ever felt is worse than how I felt when my father passed away. There is no feeling in comparison. I am more heartbroken now than in any short lived "relationship" I've ever been in. No amount of stress at work or at school is as distracting as what I'm going through now. I look back on those days and think "Man, I'd trade THIS for that any day."

I am not negating anyone else's stress level. Not everyone is going through the death of a parent or husband like my family is going through. But if you were in my situation, and you were able to be as resilient as I feel I am, then you would understand the extreme comparisons. To me, this is as devastating as it gets. I could go bankrupt and live in the streets, and that wouldn't matter to me because I would give everything away for my father to be alive again.

Addendum to previous entry

How does one lower their expectations? I need to know, and I need to know QUICK.

I am HORRIBLE at expecting too much of people. Just because I am always thinking about someone, doesn't mean they are always thinking about me...but that doesn't mean that they don't care.

I just get this sick feeling in my stomach and start to assume things. Then I become something that I am not, and I HATE that. All my insecurities come into play, and I end up feeling completely stupid.

BUT, this only happens when there's nothing else going on. When I have a lot of time to think about things, then I start to worry about those things I HAVE NO FUCKING CONTROL OVER.

Full circle, yet again.

This is why I go shopping. I have total control over the situation...I pay, I receive what I want and I'm satisfied. But that can cost a lot of money, and isn't very productive. It's like an eating disorder, it's very compulsive behavior.

*sigh* My lazy ass needs a new job, and needs to focus on what's important. For a brief moment in time, I forgot my priorities.

That's the last time I will do that. I am making a promise to myself to keep my priorities straight.

Now, keeping that promise is a whole other ball game...

I just spoke to my mom today. She's ok, but she's bored. My cousins try to visit her when they can, and they call everyday...as do I.

What I have to remember is that everyone isn't like me. I make sure to call my mom everyday, at least twice a day because I know how she is and I know she needs that reassurance. She'll never ask for the attention, but she craves it. I have learned that over the many years of living with her. She doesn't need presents or things to make her happy. As long as we pay attention to her and make sure she is needed, she feels good and feels loved.

That's why I call her everyday. I knew my aunt, cousin and mom dropped me off at Toronto airport that I would have to call her because I would hate to think that my mom would feel in anyway that we didn't need her. We will always need her, and she has to know that in order for her to survive my father's death.

But again, I behave in that manner...I try an anticipate what the other person is feeling or thinking. When getting a gift for someone, I want to know that it would be something that I would want myself, and would want if I were that person. I try to pay attention to detail and things that person says.

I'm have definitely not perfected that art. This weekend was a true testimony to that.

So I started to reach out for people, who were busy themselves. When I don't get that reciprocation I desire, then I feel a certain kind of anxiousness, like people have forgotten about me or something silly like that. I know that's not true, but when I'm by myself and not really doing much...thoughts like that invade my mind and pollute it with insecurities.

My other friend also said it may be the full moon, too.

In any case, I have to realize that not everyone is like me. When I care about someone, I care with all of my heart. When I don't get the same response, I feel dejected. I really believe I get that from my mom. She expects that because I am her daughter, that I will be more empathetic and sypathetic...which I am. Right now, I can tell she's so happy to hear from me, but a little disappointed because it's not my sister.

I asked my sister about that...I asked her if she calls mom everyday. One time, she said, "I was going to but I got busy". THAT pissed me off. It doesn't take but a minute of someone's time to say "Hi mom...just wanted to say hi and see if you're ok."

But see, there again is what I would do. And I expect other's to be like that too. I expected a friend this weekend to chat with me like he always does, but he was busy with many other things. I expected that if he could go to a party, that he would CERTAINLY have time to talk to me...but why would I think that way? I'm not a total priority in his life, although I know I am important.

This was just a strange weekend. I was sad and lonely. I was alone a lot, and couldn't figure out what was going on with me. I was busy, but that didn't keep my mind from wandering.

I figured it out when I walked into the picnic area where my relatives were all set up for the 4th of July. Usually, I am at this picnic with my whole family, sometimes without my sister because she is married and has other friends. But I will go every year with my mom and dad. This time, I parked the car and walked there alone.

After greeting everyone, I had to walk away and cry for a good 10 minutes. I had to call my friend and apologize for being so demanding of his time. I ate a little and cried when the first firework exploded in the sky. My aunt reached over and held my hand and said, "You know your dad is here watching, too..." which just put me over the edge.

I went home alone, sad and wishing that I could be anywhere but where I was. I called other friends, sobbing on their voicemails. Then my other good friend called me up and asked me to go out with her, which is just what I needed.

I want to thank my friends for understanding me this weekend. It was rough, but I got through it.

Another thing I've figured out in my discovery of infinite wisdom is that it is not worth it to get angry over something you absolutely have no control over. Frustrated, yes...angry, think it over.

It goes back to the saying "choose your battles." Will arguing over something because YOU are the one pissed off about it be worth the aggravation once the thought leaves your head, escapes your mouth, and creates sound waves in the air?

TMI = too much information

Have you heard the song "My Stupid Mouth" by John Mayer? I really believe there are times to say something, and times to just keep it to yourself. I have learned that the hard way, and put my foot in my mouth many times. There is a filter that you can use, and that's to never say anything in the heat of the moment because an emotional outburst is just that...emotional. When has anything rational come out of an angry or sad moment? Even when someone is excited, the actions that result from an ecstatic moment can be just as regretful.

The worst ones are drunken moments. People use that as an excuse for things they wouldn't normally do. The trick is to never get into a situation where you can lose control.

Which goes back to my original statement: maybe you can control yourself in any situation, but you cannot control the situation itself, nor can you control the other person in it. It's all about YOU.

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,
Courage to change the
things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference.

Ferris: Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in The Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus and I'd still have to bum rides off of people.

Yeah, that's RIGHT...I placed those quotes together.

You know why? I control this Blog.

Have you heard the saying, "No one can make you feel guilty without your consent?" A former boss of mine used to say that all the time.

I think that should be the same thing for unhappiness or sadness. No one should make you feel sad without your consent.

Don't you think happiness is a choice? I believe there are people out there who believe the whole "Misery loves company" idea, and I for one am not one of them.

I was sad this morning for reasons other than my father. I shouldn't be sad because I had a great night out last night with my work buddies: happy hour beers, other drinks, free gifts (the Kuya citrus rum girls were out and I got a shirt that says, "Do Ya Kuya?", which is hilarious if you are Filipino...), good conversation, good food, good company and a funny movie ("Dodgeball").

All in all, a good time.

Then I got home and started wallowing about things that I used to wallow about prior to my father's death. I won't go into what those things are, but it's the typical "woe is me" kinda thing.

But I thought about it this morning when one of my co-workers came to my desk and chatted with me about "Dodgeball" last night, and "Josie & The Pussycats" a totally CUTE movie which I adore...and we started giggling about funny lines from each movie. That's when I realized, "What am I sad about?"

I am overall extremely sad about my father, that is a given. But what else is making me sad? Not having a boyfriend? Not being at a career I want?

Maybe...the career thing I can change in an instant if I really wanted to. I'm a little lazy on jumping ship at my current job. So is it the other thing? Another co-worker of mine just got engaged. I'm always happy to hear about things like that, but sometimes it reminds me that I'm not there.

But so what if I'm not there? I guess it's embedded in my culture that "husband=happiness" and I'm somehow not complete without a life partner, especially at my age. My aunt said to me in Toronto a couple of weeks ago, "Why aren't you married? Don't be like me...don't do what I did..."

Ok, let me explain what my aunt "did":

- Graduated from college as the youngest of 8
- Moved herself out of the Philippines to Italy for at least 5+ years, learning fluent Italian in the process
- Moved to Toronto, where she still resides and has owned at least 2 homes
- Has enough money to be comfortable, and still send money to the Philippines when anyone needs it (I think she even put one of my cousins through dental school)

Why WOULNDN'T I want to be like her??!! You know why she thinks that (along with my mom and other older women in "that generation")? Because she's not married and has no children. She has a long term boyfriend of about 10 years now. She loves him, and he loves her, but they know they can't live with each other, so they decided not to get married. If it works, isn't that the most important thing? I think we're at the age where the gals of "Sex And The City" are no longer "old maids". I am not the only one of my friends not married in her 30's.

Don't get me wrong, I'd like to be there eventually, but if I don't get there...then I won't let that dictate my happiness. And I think it's sad that my aunt would probably be happier if she didn't have the fact that she's not married hanging over her like a bad omen. As much as I love her, I won't let her pass that sentiment over to me and allow it to swallow up the rest of me and how I live my life.

I will not have concentual sadness, especially not from myself.

Isn't there a point in time where you just have to give up the good fight and realize somethings just aren't meant to be?

Spent all of my life emptied of anthems
and bracing for something that never did come...

- Suspended by Matt Nathanson