Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Fo SHIZZLE! Get your PIMP HANDLE here!
Lookie at what my friend found:
Pimp Handle Here
I entered my name (Sigh Gee), and here are some of my results haha:
Ice Master Gee Beautiful
Pimp Daddy Gee Loco
G. Digital Sigh Flow
Diamondtrim Sigh Slick
Funk Master Sigh Slick
How bored am I at work??
Lookie at what my friend found:
Pimp Handle Here
I entered my name (Sigh Gee), and here are some of my results haha:
Ice Master Gee Beautiful
Pimp Daddy Gee Loco
G. Digital Sigh Flow
Diamondtrim Sigh Slick
Funk Master Sigh Slick
How bored am I at work??
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Ok kiddies, Auntie Sigh has a little story to tell you all, and I know you have been waiting patiently, so here it goes!
HOW I GOT MY TATTOO
Yes, it's true boys and girls, I've got a tat and it's AWESOME! It's so simple, but meaningful and I LOVE it. I was supposed to get it on Friday night, but I got to Vegas later than expected, so my UNLV buddy and I went on Sunday night late (930pm or so), then we got on the road by 1130pm.
Ok, truth be told, I did have a Vicodin pill about a half hour before I got the tattoo. I had to...that shit was PAINFUL. I'm so glad UNLV (that's what we'll call him, lol) was there because I don't think I could have done it. It's always good to have moral support, and I'll admit I'm somewhat squemish when it comes to certain things, but I try to be fearless. So by the time I got into the chair, the pill kicked in, and it went better than expected.
(By the way, boys and girls, Auntie Sigh in no way condones the use of prescription drugs for recreational purposes...but if you are able to get a hold of a Vicodin tablet before getting a tattoo, I highly recommend it!
Oh, and please refrain from the wanton use of profanity. Only use when appropriate, and I think you'll agree that the use of profanity when expressing pain or discomfort during the tattoo process is extremely appropriate, and I feel necessary. Thank you for understanding!)
The tattoo artist's name is Johnny and I got it done at Sin City Tattoo.
The first prick was extremely painful, and I think I let out a yelp (more like, "WHAT THE FUCK!?" Appropriate, no?). UNLV said to me later that he thought I was gonna bitch the whole thing and leave, but I couldn't do that. He had to do some major schedule manipulation and left many messages convincing Johnny the tattoo guy to come in before his scheduled clock in time, so he didn't want me to just get up and go....especially since I couldn't make it in time for the 9pm appoinment on Friday night.
Here's a good example of how it feels: A co-worker described it like someone was constantly scratching at a really sore sunburn. I guess I would say that it was like an intense form of "the pricklies" when your hand or foot falls asleep and you try to shake it off. It's like someone concentrated that feeling and pressed it up against the areas where you want the tattoo. After awhile, it's irritating more than painful because it becomes numb.
After the first 5 minutes of talking myself into staying seated went by, I figured out that the most painful parts were where the needle hit the spine, and where Johnny was filling in the letters (the letters are blocked, so it requires filling in the letters and the needle stays on that area longer than just an outline). When I figured out that was the greatest level of pain, then everything else was much more tolerable.
But honestly, if UNLV had not given me that Vicodin I would have been crying...no wait, I would have been sobbing. I was tearing, but never cried. I was nervous, but I was mostly quiet because I kept trying to keep myself relaxed. Once I could stand the constant pricking, then I just leaned forward into the chair and suddenly it was less painful than I had psyched myself out for it to be.
(I was sitting on a bar stool, and was leaning on the back of another bar stool so that I could slump over and Johnny could sit in a regular chair to work on my lower back.)
The funny thing was once I was finished convincing myself that I could do this, it was already over. A whole hour went by, and I seriously thought it was about 20 minutes. It was sore when Johnny was finished, and he actually showed it off a little to another artist who came in because it was so basic (it's only black and grey, no color). He even said that it reminded him of tattoos his grandfather had.
The only uncomfortable moment that happened was when Johnny tattoo guy's "girlfriend" and fan club were there. He invited them to take a looksie, which was weird. I don't mind if my UNLV buddy or the other tattoo artists decide to take a look...but listening to random chicks arguing with my tattoo guy about why he didn't call her back WHILE he's holding a sharp motorized needle gun full of ink to my back? Not fun.
Ok, here's a link on what it generally looks like. I'll post a picture of the actual tattoo later. But just imagine it without the chain/rope detail and with the initials "RAG" instead of "USN" (and uh, DUH...it's only ONE of the anchors).
View the tattoo!
Ok boys and girls, story time is over for today. I hope you enjoyed the story of "How I Got My Tattoo". Come back soon, ok buh-bye!
HOW I GOT MY TATTOO
Yes, it's true boys and girls, I've got a tat and it's AWESOME! It's so simple, but meaningful and I LOVE it. I was supposed to get it on Friday night, but I got to Vegas later than expected, so my UNLV buddy and I went on Sunday night late (930pm or so), then we got on the road by 1130pm.
Ok, truth be told, I did have a Vicodin pill about a half hour before I got the tattoo. I had to...that shit was PAINFUL. I'm so glad UNLV (that's what we'll call him, lol) was there because I don't think I could have done it. It's always good to have moral support, and I'll admit I'm somewhat squemish when it comes to certain things, but I try to be fearless. So by the time I got into the chair, the pill kicked in, and it went better than expected.
(By the way, boys and girls, Auntie Sigh in no way condones the use of prescription drugs for recreational purposes...but if you are able to get a hold of a Vicodin tablet before getting a tattoo, I highly recommend it!
Oh, and please refrain from the wanton use of profanity. Only use when appropriate, and I think you'll agree that the use of profanity when expressing pain or discomfort during the tattoo process is extremely appropriate, and I feel necessary. Thank you for understanding!)
The tattoo artist's name is Johnny and I got it done at Sin City Tattoo.
The first prick was extremely painful, and I think I let out a yelp (more like, "WHAT THE FUCK!?" Appropriate, no?). UNLV said to me later that he thought I was gonna bitch the whole thing and leave, but I couldn't do that. He had to do some major schedule manipulation and left many messages convincing Johnny the tattoo guy to come in before his scheduled clock in time, so he didn't want me to just get up and go....especially since I couldn't make it in time for the 9pm appoinment on Friday night.
Here's a good example of how it feels: A co-worker described it like someone was constantly scratching at a really sore sunburn. I guess I would say that it was like an intense form of "the pricklies" when your hand or foot falls asleep and you try to shake it off. It's like someone concentrated that feeling and pressed it up against the areas where you want the tattoo. After awhile, it's irritating more than painful because it becomes numb.
After the first 5 minutes of talking myself into staying seated went by, I figured out that the most painful parts were where the needle hit the spine, and where Johnny was filling in the letters (the letters are blocked, so it requires filling in the letters and the needle stays on that area longer than just an outline). When I figured out that was the greatest level of pain, then everything else was much more tolerable.
But honestly, if UNLV had not given me that Vicodin I would have been crying...no wait, I would have been sobbing. I was tearing, but never cried. I was nervous, but I was mostly quiet because I kept trying to keep myself relaxed. Once I could stand the constant pricking, then I just leaned forward into the chair and suddenly it was less painful than I had psyched myself out for it to be.
(I was sitting on a bar stool, and was leaning on the back of another bar stool so that I could slump over and Johnny could sit in a regular chair to work on my lower back.)
The funny thing was once I was finished convincing myself that I could do this, it was already over. A whole hour went by, and I seriously thought it was about 20 minutes. It was sore when Johnny was finished, and he actually showed it off a little to another artist who came in because it was so basic (it's only black and grey, no color). He even said that it reminded him of tattoos his grandfather had.
The only uncomfortable moment that happened was when Johnny tattoo guy's "girlfriend" and fan club were there. He invited them to take a looksie, which was weird. I don't mind if my UNLV buddy or the other tattoo artists decide to take a look...but listening to random chicks arguing with my tattoo guy about why he didn't call her back WHILE he's holding a sharp motorized needle gun full of ink to my back? Not fun.
Ok, here's a link on what it generally looks like. I'll post a picture of the actual tattoo later. But just imagine it without the chain/rope detail and with the initials "RAG" instead of "USN" (and uh, DUH...it's only ONE of the anchors).
View the tattoo!
Ok boys and girls, story time is over for today. I hope you enjoyed the story of "How I Got My Tattoo". Come back soon, ok buh-bye!
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
I called my mom this morning, and she said that she had a dream about my dad was so clear that it felt real. She said that he looked good, just a little thin. She asked him how is that he is ok, and he said that he went into rehab and is fine now.
My mom then said that she believes it was my dad telling her that everything is ok and that he is fine now.
I couldn't help but cry when she said that because I think she is finally coming to terms with his death. She's not totally over it by any means, but at least she is cognisant of what it all means in her life now.
I'm really focusing on other things now. Working on my diet and exercise is really helping me out because it gives me an immediate goal that I feel is very attainable right now, and I'm already seeing results. Also, work is going well, and twice they asked me if I indend on staying on and if I'm willing to be promoted when the time comes.
It's nice to know that despite the fact that I'm completely consumed with everything that's going on that I can still maintain some semblance of a normal life and that I can be successful at it. I am always worried about falling apart, and I'm glad that my survival skills have kicked in.
My only "problem" is getting the house straightened. My sister and her husband have started to tackle the house and I have very different ideas on how things should be going. Rather than cleaning up the areas of the house that have recently been cluttered so that we can make space for the big things that need to be done, they have already started piling the big things on top of the established clutter...and it's just one big huge mess.
Case in point: My mom has a large collection of mugs. They occupy several shelves and tops of cabinets. We also have large trash bags full of clothes and boxes stacked up on each other in the living room and family room. I'm going through the trash bags of my things that are on the floor of my bedroom and in the living room so that I can make room for when I start to dig into the items on my old desk and bookshelf, that way it's not piled up on top of everything. My sister and hubby started taking down the mugs and they still have tons of other crap all over the place and now eveything is just stacked up on top of it.
Basically, my house looks like the crazy old lady's house on the corner who has 20 cats and can't throw anything away.
I'm going to visit my dad's grave today, then I'm going to Ikea to buy storage for under the bed, so I can put away the clothing that I still want to keep, and keep the clothing that I love to wear in my closet space. This will clear up the bags that are just everywhere. Then I'm going to bring the boxes that were under those bags into my room so that they are out of the living and family room areas. Then I'm going to go through my old magazines and throw EVERYTHING away and get rid of the old desk and bookshelf. I'm going to continue to discard of stuff that I absolutely do not need.
Once I've pared it all down to something I can handle, then I will go back to Ikea and buy the book shelf, curio cabinet, and wardrobe I want and start to put everything away.
Now doesn't that make more sense?
If only I can do that with my life...
My mom then said that she believes it was my dad telling her that everything is ok and that he is fine now.
I couldn't help but cry when she said that because I think she is finally coming to terms with his death. She's not totally over it by any means, but at least she is cognisant of what it all means in her life now.
I'm really focusing on other things now. Working on my diet and exercise is really helping me out because it gives me an immediate goal that I feel is very attainable right now, and I'm already seeing results. Also, work is going well, and twice they asked me if I indend on staying on and if I'm willing to be promoted when the time comes.
It's nice to know that despite the fact that I'm completely consumed with everything that's going on that I can still maintain some semblance of a normal life and that I can be successful at it. I am always worried about falling apart, and I'm glad that my survival skills have kicked in.
My only "problem" is getting the house straightened. My sister and her husband have started to tackle the house and I have very different ideas on how things should be going. Rather than cleaning up the areas of the house that have recently been cluttered so that we can make space for the big things that need to be done, they have already started piling the big things on top of the established clutter...and it's just one big huge mess.
Case in point: My mom has a large collection of mugs. They occupy several shelves and tops of cabinets. We also have large trash bags full of clothes and boxes stacked up on each other in the living room and family room. I'm going through the trash bags of my things that are on the floor of my bedroom and in the living room so that I can make room for when I start to dig into the items on my old desk and bookshelf, that way it's not piled up on top of everything. My sister and hubby started taking down the mugs and they still have tons of other crap all over the place and now eveything is just stacked up on top of it.
Basically, my house looks like the crazy old lady's house on the corner who has 20 cats and can't throw anything away.
I'm going to visit my dad's grave today, then I'm going to Ikea to buy storage for under the bed, so I can put away the clothing that I still want to keep, and keep the clothing that I love to wear in my closet space. This will clear up the bags that are just everywhere. Then I'm going to bring the boxes that were under those bags into my room so that they are out of the living and family room areas. Then I'm going to go through my old magazines and throw EVERYTHING away and get rid of the old desk and bookshelf. I'm going to continue to discard of stuff that I absolutely do not need.
Once I've pared it all down to something I can handle, then I will go back to Ikea and buy the book shelf, curio cabinet, and wardrobe I want and start to put everything away.
Now doesn't that make more sense?
If only I can do that with my life...
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
So yeah, I'm really distracted. I'm also really confused. This is really hard for me...this coping that I'm supposed to be doing.
This isn't working for me right now. I know I should be handling this, but I'm not really doing all that well with it. I thought I could, but I'm really not.
If I lie about it, you'll know the truth...because I will be lying a lot. I will be playing the role of the "things are fine" version of myself, but my head is actually spinning out of control.
If I lie, just accept it for now. I'll open up when I feel like it.
This isn't working for me right now. I know I should be handling this, but I'm not really doing all that well with it. I thought I could, but I'm really not.
If I lie about it, you'll know the truth...because I will be lying a lot. I will be playing the role of the "things are fine" version of myself, but my head is actually spinning out of control.
If I lie, just accept it for now. I'll open up when I feel like it.
QUESTION:
Can one actually BUY Cristal Champagne at Albertsons?
If so, I think there would be a whole lot of disillusioned rappers out there...
(Overheard these 2 "business men" behind me at Brother's Deli during lunch talking about bringing something alcoholic to a swanky business get together. One asked, "I think I'm going to bring some Cristal because I heard it's really good...I can pick that up at Albertsons, right?")
Can one actually BUY Cristal Champagne at Albertsons?
If so, I think there would be a whole lot of disillusioned rappers out there...
(Overheard these 2 "business men" behind me at Brother's Deli during lunch talking about bringing something alcoholic to a swanky business get together. One asked, "I think I'm going to bring some Cristal because I heard it's really good...I can pick that up at Albertsons, right?")
I'm back!
I miss my mom. I cried like a little girl when I was hugging her good-bye at the airport, and cried for 30 more minutes on the plane after a LOOOOOONG wait time due to a delay.
I had a great time, lots...I mean LOTS of shopping. H&M was a little disappointing.
Ok, here's my beef with shopping in another country during the summer: it's just like shopping in California. The reason I say "another country" even though I only have been to Canada so far this year, is a co-worker of mine went to Europe, and she said the same thing! I asked her to get me a cool German shirt and she said that all the t-shirts said something that had to do with California...which I what I ran into in Toronto! Every shirt had some funky beach location like Long Beach, Laguna, or even Coronado! Even the Roots store had "Tropical Beach" baby-doll shirts...argh!
So anyway, I still found a few gems, and I think when I go back in August it will be better because their fall lines will be out. I'm bringing TWO suitcases...one empty and one full. Yes, you read that right.
Toronto is beautiful. My mom and I were musing over the fact that you can tell when you are not in the US anymore. There's just something different about the landscape and scenery.
Not to mention we have a bazillion palm trees out here and they don't.
Father's day was spent at my cousin's house for a barbeque. It was strange to be there without my sister, but with my mom, and obviously without my father. I bought my niece the "You Got Served" DVD, which we watched. I joked around with them that I liked this movie when they called it "Breakin'", hahaha!
I didn't cry until that night. I cried when I saw a photo journalist report on his father, who passed away in 1982. It was then I realized why I was in Toronto...and then the chain of events played out in my head and I suddenly was overtaken.
I'm tired. It is so taxing to fly all day. On the flight home from Toronto to Houston yesterday , I was in one of those mini express planes, which was fine because I had a window/aisle seat. I could knit, which was nice. But I was on a 737 coming home from Houston, after running from one end of the terminal to the other, and just 15 minutes to spare before taking off.
On the 737, there was a rather large woman with a child on the aisle seat, and a man next to me that kept staring at me when he was awake...argh. I watched "My Boss's Daughter" which was HORRIBLE (on the way to Houston, it was "Duplex" which was mildly better).
The flight to Toronto was better because I was with my mom. At least I could share the bad experience with someone. When you're alone on a bad flight, it's nap time.
Alright, so I'm here at work now, and I'm completely distracted. At least it's almost lunch time.
I miss my mom. I cried like a little girl when I was hugging her good-bye at the airport, and cried for 30 more minutes on the plane after a LOOOOOONG wait time due to a delay.
I had a great time, lots...I mean LOTS of shopping. H&M was a little disappointing.
Ok, here's my beef with shopping in another country during the summer: it's just like shopping in California. The reason I say "another country" even though I only have been to Canada so far this year, is a co-worker of mine went to Europe, and she said the same thing! I asked her to get me a cool German shirt and she said that all the t-shirts said something that had to do with California...which I what I ran into in Toronto! Every shirt had some funky beach location like Long Beach, Laguna, or even Coronado! Even the Roots store had "Tropical Beach" baby-doll shirts...argh!
So anyway, I still found a few gems, and I think when I go back in August it will be better because their fall lines will be out. I'm bringing TWO suitcases...one empty and one full. Yes, you read that right.
Toronto is beautiful. My mom and I were musing over the fact that you can tell when you are not in the US anymore. There's just something different about the landscape and scenery.
Not to mention we have a bazillion palm trees out here and they don't.
Father's day was spent at my cousin's house for a barbeque. It was strange to be there without my sister, but with my mom, and obviously without my father. I bought my niece the "You Got Served" DVD, which we watched. I joked around with them that I liked this movie when they called it "Breakin'", hahaha!
I didn't cry until that night. I cried when I saw a photo journalist report on his father, who passed away in 1982. It was then I realized why I was in Toronto...and then the chain of events played out in my head and I suddenly was overtaken.
I'm tired. It is so taxing to fly all day. On the flight home from Toronto to Houston yesterday , I was in one of those mini express planes, which was fine because I had a window/aisle seat. I could knit, which was nice. But I was on a 737 coming home from Houston, after running from one end of the terminal to the other, and just 15 minutes to spare before taking off.
On the 737, there was a rather large woman with a child on the aisle seat, and a man next to me that kept staring at me when he was awake...argh. I watched "My Boss's Daughter" which was HORRIBLE (on the way to Houston, it was "Duplex" which was mildly better).
The flight to Toronto was better because I was with my mom. At least I could share the bad experience with someone. When you're alone on a bad flight, it's nap time.
Alright, so I'm here at work now, and I'm completely distracted. At least it's almost lunch time.
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Good morning!
I'll be in Canada for the next 4 days, so I don't anticipate being able to access the internet. I'm not sure if my aunt or cousins are online right now (although I have received emails from my little cousins before). We'll see.
I'm excited to travel and see everyone, but of course I am not going to enjoy flying there WITH my mom and then flying home alone. I suspect there will be much emotion when I leave.
Also, I will be there for Father's Day. That will also be a strange day because my sister will be at home by herself. I hope she goes to work with her husband so that she won't be alone. I think she's going to visit his grave on that day. I'll be going there myself this afternoon to ask my daddy to watch over us while travelling. I know he does already, but you know...
So, I bid you adeiu until Tuesday of next week. I'll be Canucking it up in Toronto. Oh, and did I mention H&M?! Yes, I believe I did.
PS: For those keeping up with the status of my tattoo, I will have one by Friday June 25, 2004.
If you don't believe me, I'll take a picture and post it here...if I can figure out how to do that...
I'll be in Canada for the next 4 days, so I don't anticipate being able to access the internet. I'm not sure if my aunt or cousins are online right now (although I have received emails from my little cousins before). We'll see.
I'm excited to travel and see everyone, but of course I am not going to enjoy flying there WITH my mom and then flying home alone. I suspect there will be much emotion when I leave.
Also, I will be there for Father's Day. That will also be a strange day because my sister will be at home by herself. I hope she goes to work with her husband so that she won't be alone. I think she's going to visit his grave on that day. I'll be going there myself this afternoon to ask my daddy to watch over us while travelling. I know he does already, but you know...
So, I bid you adeiu until Tuesday of next week. I'll be Canucking it up in Toronto. Oh, and did I mention H&M?! Yes, I believe I did.
PS: For those keeping up with the status of my tattoo, I will have one by Friday June 25, 2004.
If you don't believe me, I'll take a picture and post it here...if I can figure out how to do that...
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Today, I don't want to write about anything significant. Well, it will be only significant to ME, so there.
I watched the John Mayer and Paul Simon special last night. It was on VH1 and called "In Tune". I give major props to John for being able to collaborate with some legends, and open up his music to a broader audience.
Next, we had an earthquake yesterday. California is known for earthquakes, and it's been awhile since I went through one. The difference this time was that it was at work...on the 12th floor. I remember my stomach feeling like it hit the floor when the walls of my cubicle started to shake and my office chair started to bounce. Good times.
I'm starting to cook every night. It's pretty fun, I must admit. I'm wondering when the day will come when I get tired of it and succumb to the lures of an easy TV dinner or the convenience of fast food. I honestly hope it doesn't happen soon. I had KFC (Kitchen Fresh Chicken to you, buddy!) on Sunday with my sister, and I felt like I was carrying a barbell in my stomach afterwards. The food I prepare for myself is much healthier and lighter feeling. Now, Coke (or any soda) is heavy on the syrup side, and fast food feels like a brick an hour after consumption.
My only vices are: breads, cheescake and coffee.
Speaking of coffee, I'm going into yet ANOTHER meeting for which I will require the assistance of an enhanced substance to keep me awake.
Cheers!
I watched the John Mayer and Paul Simon special last night. It was on VH1 and called "In Tune". I give major props to John for being able to collaborate with some legends, and open up his music to a broader audience.
Next, we had an earthquake yesterday. California is known for earthquakes, and it's been awhile since I went through one. The difference this time was that it was at work...on the 12th floor. I remember my stomach feeling like it hit the floor when the walls of my cubicle started to shake and my office chair started to bounce. Good times.
I'm starting to cook every night. It's pretty fun, I must admit. I'm wondering when the day will come when I get tired of it and succumb to the lures of an easy TV dinner or the convenience of fast food. I honestly hope it doesn't happen soon. I had KFC (Kitchen Fresh Chicken to you, buddy!) on Sunday with my sister, and I felt like I was carrying a barbell in my stomach afterwards. The food I prepare for myself is much healthier and lighter feeling. Now, Coke (or any soda) is heavy on the syrup side, and fast food feels like a brick an hour after consumption.
My only vices are: breads, cheescake and coffee.
Speaking of coffee, I'm going into yet ANOTHER meeting for which I will require the assistance of an enhanced substance to keep me awake.
Cheers!
Monday, June 14, 2004
I worry,
I weigh three times my body
I worry,
I throw my fear around
But this morning, is a calm I can't explain
Rock candy's melted only diamonds now remain
By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light pretending
That it somehow lingered on
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
That it won't and it won't because it can't
It just can't
(It's not supposed to...)
(Clarity by John Mayer)
I'm so extremely distracted today. I can't concentrate because I've got so much on my mind.
I can't believe I'm already taking my mom to Canada. I'm really torn between missing my mother and knowing this is best for all of us for right now. When she returns, she'll have had some space and time, and so will we.
I really hate all this change. I hate missing my father so much because I always feel heartbroken. I try not to let it show, and I think I'm doing a good job of it. But it's hard, it really is.
I love to knit. It's been a hobby for me lately, and I'm knitting scarves for all of my friends. When we were in the waiting room while my dad was in surgery, I was knitting. When we were waiting for the news on his condition, I brought my knitting then, too. So sometimes, when I'm siting at home after getting some work done, or after a workout and I'm knitting, I'll remember my dad.
Then, I'll hear a song, or watch something on TV. I'll see a date and think "Wow...I was in high school when that came out...what a long time ago" and right when I'm starting to feel a little sentimental about the nostalgia of the moment, I'll remember that my father was alive at that time and the whimsical feeling will suddenly become so tragically sad.
I can't help it. It suddenly hit me that he's really really gone. His loss permeates everything in my life. It's in everything I think about and everything I do. Right now, it's so real that it's TOO real. It has finally started to really hurt.
I think that's why I'm so preoccupied by simple events and what may seem like trivial things.
I'm working out again and watching what I eat because it gives me a sense of empowerment.
I'm getting a tattoo.
I love to get my nails done, both mani and pedi.
I love ice-cream and vanilla yogurt.
Pink is still my signature color.
I take one day at at time, one week at a time because that's all I can handle. If I think too far in advance, I get lost in all of the minutia and clutter in my head. I know I have 2 more trips planned for the end of July and the end of August, but other than those 2 things, everything else is as clear as mud.
I need some clarity...
I weigh three times my body
I worry,
I throw my fear around
But this morning, is a calm I can't explain
Rock candy's melted only diamonds now remain
By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light pretending
That it somehow lingered on
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
That it won't and it won't because it can't
It just can't
(It's not supposed to...)
(Clarity by John Mayer)
I'm so extremely distracted today. I can't concentrate because I've got so much on my mind.
I can't believe I'm already taking my mom to Canada. I'm really torn between missing my mother and knowing this is best for all of us for right now. When she returns, she'll have had some space and time, and so will we.
I really hate all this change. I hate missing my father so much because I always feel heartbroken. I try not to let it show, and I think I'm doing a good job of it. But it's hard, it really is.
I love to knit. It's been a hobby for me lately, and I'm knitting scarves for all of my friends. When we were in the waiting room while my dad was in surgery, I was knitting. When we were waiting for the news on his condition, I brought my knitting then, too. So sometimes, when I'm siting at home after getting some work done, or after a workout and I'm knitting, I'll remember my dad.
Then, I'll hear a song, or watch something on TV. I'll see a date and think "Wow...I was in high school when that came out...what a long time ago" and right when I'm starting to feel a little sentimental about the nostalgia of the moment, I'll remember that my father was alive at that time and the whimsical feeling will suddenly become so tragically sad.
I can't help it. It suddenly hit me that he's really really gone. His loss permeates everything in my life. It's in everything I think about and everything I do. Right now, it's so real that it's TOO real. It has finally started to really hurt.
I think that's why I'm so preoccupied by simple events and what may seem like trivial things.
I'm working out again and watching what I eat because it gives me a sense of empowerment.
I'm getting a tattoo.
I love to get my nails done, both mani and pedi.
I love ice-cream and vanilla yogurt.
Pink is still my signature color.
I take one day at at time, one week at a time because that's all I can handle. If I think too far in advance, I get lost in all of the minutia and clutter in my head. I know I have 2 more trips planned for the end of July and the end of August, but other than those 2 things, everything else is as clear as mud.
I need some clarity...
Friday, June 11, 2004
I'm going to visit my dad's grave today.
I was talking to a gal here at work. Her father died in January this year, and she said that she still can't seem to bring herself to visit her dad's grave yet. She said it's too difficult for her.
I remember talking to someone else and that person asked me if I would be afraid if my dad's ghost came to visit me.
I'm not afraid to visit my father's grave, and I wouldn't be afraid if he came visit me as some ethereal apparition. It's my dad, why would I be afraid? If he came to visit me, it's probably because he needed to protect me from something, not to ever make my life miserable.
I'm also not afraid of my father's grave because it's the only way that I can visit him. I used to see him every week at home when he was alive, why should it stop now that he's passed away?
I really need to pick and choose when to write these things so that it doesn't affect me at work, but I have to get these thoughts out so they're not bottled up inside.
Ok, I'll be seeing you Dad in about an hour...
I was talking to a gal here at work. Her father died in January this year, and she said that she still can't seem to bring herself to visit her dad's grave yet. She said it's too difficult for her.
I remember talking to someone else and that person asked me if I would be afraid if my dad's ghost came to visit me.
I'm not afraid to visit my father's grave, and I wouldn't be afraid if he came visit me as some ethereal apparition. It's my dad, why would I be afraid? If he came to visit me, it's probably because he needed to protect me from something, not to ever make my life miserable.
I'm also not afraid of my father's grave because it's the only way that I can visit him. I used to see him every week at home when he was alive, why should it stop now that he's passed away?
I really need to pick and choose when to write these things so that it doesn't affect me at work, but I have to get these thoughts out so they're not bottled up inside.
Ok, I'll be seeing you Dad in about an hour...
Thursday, June 10, 2004
GUESS WHAT?! There is an H&M in Toronto!!!!
This may mean absolutely NOTHING to a lot of you, but I know a friend who knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about...
I think I will do much shopping next week.
www.hm.com
www.fairviewmall.ca
This may mean absolutely NOTHING to a lot of you, but I know a friend who knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about...
I think I will do much shopping next week.
www.hm.com
www.fairviewmall.ca
Dear Friends,
I dedicate today's horoscope to YOU. The heavens confirm that YOU are a part of what keeps me going in this world, so thank you!
Love,
Me :)
Horoscopes
Taurus
Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
You adore your friends. You appreciate the roles they play in your life. Reciprocity balances the human equation into something that makes everybody happy. The greatest truth comes from your heart, of course, and your mind quickly agrees. Feeling good about yourself is the engine that drives your acts of kindness toward others. You know that they're more than mere extensions of you or your desires, but it's also easy to read what they like. The fun starts when the giver and the gift are nearly indistinguishable. What further proof do you need that it all comes down to love?
I dedicate today's horoscope to YOU. The heavens confirm that YOU are a part of what keeps me going in this world, so thank you!
Love,
Me :)
Horoscopes
Taurus
Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
You adore your friends. You appreciate the roles they play in your life. Reciprocity balances the human equation into something that makes everybody happy. The greatest truth comes from your heart, of course, and your mind quickly agrees. Feeling good about yourself is the engine that drives your acts of kindness toward others. You know that they're more than mere extensions of you or your desires, but it's also easy to read what they like. The fun starts when the giver and the gift are nearly indistinguishable. What further proof do you need that it all comes down to love?
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
"He Sizzles!"
"He's Fantastic!"
"Call your dad anytime with our new Nextel phone!"
"Celebrate with Dads and Grads!"
I've been walking to the mall everyday, just to get some exercise in because I need to...and I pass Restoration Hardware, among other places, which are advertising Father's Day.
It's like someone has taken my heart out and stomped on it, then placed it back in my chest to see if I can make it work again. My eyes well up every time, and I feel very self conscious because I'm fine one moment, then on the verge of tears the next.
The toughest part is seeing kids who are being brats to their parents. I feel like taking them and shaking them because they should cherish the moments they have. They will take Father's Day for granted as the day they "have to get dad a gift or treat him nice".
But you know, I felt that way, too. I had no idea that at the age of 34 that I wouldn't have my father around. Who could predict something like that?
I think I'm going to miss my mom more than I ever have when she goes to Canada. I think that it will be extremely bittersweet because her vacationing there will give my sister and I the much needed time we have been craving to do everything we have to do to make the house livable. Right now it's in a sorry state of disarray and I can't stand sleeping on the couch anymore. Conversely, it will make me realize that I have only one parent. One is gone never to return, and the other is out of my sight...which is going to mildly freak me out.
I say "mildly" because I'll at least be able to speak to her and call her. I can't call my dad. I really need to hear my daddy's voice right now, but I can't bring myself to watch my sister's wedding tapes.
Random thought: Ronald Regan died on Saturday. I know my dad has met him by now. I'd actually been thinking about that since I heard the news this weekend. My dad was such a staunch Republican. It was inevitable that thought would cross my mind. Seeing the flag drapped on President Regan's casket reminded me that my father had the same thing.
I'm sure they're hanging out, musing about the state of affairs down here. I'm sure my dad is braging about his family...
except for the fact that his daughters are Democrats.
"He's Fantastic!"
"Call your dad anytime with our new Nextel phone!"
"Celebrate with Dads and Grads!"
I've been walking to the mall everyday, just to get some exercise in because I need to...and I pass Restoration Hardware, among other places, which are advertising Father's Day.
It's like someone has taken my heart out and stomped on it, then placed it back in my chest to see if I can make it work again. My eyes well up every time, and I feel very self conscious because I'm fine one moment, then on the verge of tears the next.
The toughest part is seeing kids who are being brats to their parents. I feel like taking them and shaking them because they should cherish the moments they have. They will take Father's Day for granted as the day they "have to get dad a gift or treat him nice".
But you know, I felt that way, too. I had no idea that at the age of 34 that I wouldn't have my father around. Who could predict something like that?
I think I'm going to miss my mom more than I ever have when she goes to Canada. I think that it will be extremely bittersweet because her vacationing there will give my sister and I the much needed time we have been craving to do everything we have to do to make the house livable. Right now it's in a sorry state of disarray and I can't stand sleeping on the couch anymore. Conversely, it will make me realize that I have only one parent. One is gone never to return, and the other is out of my sight...which is going to mildly freak me out.
I say "mildly" because I'll at least be able to speak to her and call her. I can't call my dad. I really need to hear my daddy's voice right now, but I can't bring myself to watch my sister's wedding tapes.
Random thought: Ronald Regan died on Saturday. I know my dad has met him by now. I'd actually been thinking about that since I heard the news this weekend. My dad was such a staunch Republican. It was inevitable that thought would cross my mind. Seeing the flag drapped on President Regan's casket reminded me that my father had the same thing.
I'm sure they're hanging out, musing about the state of affairs down here. I'm sure my dad is braging about his family...
except for the fact that his daughters are Democrats.
Monday, June 07, 2004
Huh. I guess there's one thing I'm glad I changed my mind about today (yup, I'm being cryptic on purpose)...take a gander at my horoscope today:
Horoscopes
Taurus
Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
You have your rights, but rights have their limits. You're not a free agent but a single element in a tightly programmed operation. Check with others before you try to make those sweeping changes that seem so logical to you. Somewhere, somebody's toes are getting stepped on. This person probably has a different idea that's just as good to him or her as yours is to you. You try to make a convincing case, but don't become obnoxious in your enthusiasm. So much for the strategic value of a high profile. Don't rock the boat any further until things calm down.
Duly noted.
Horoscopes
Taurus
Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
You have your rights, but rights have their limits. You're not a free agent but a single element in a tightly programmed operation. Check with others before you try to make those sweeping changes that seem so logical to you. Somewhere, somebody's toes are getting stepped on. This person probably has a different idea that's just as good to him or her as yours is to you. You try to make a convincing case, but don't become obnoxious in your enthusiasm. So much for the strategic value of a high profile. Don't rock the boat any further until things calm down.
Duly noted.
It's officially the 3rd month since my father's death.
Wow.
It's really hard to believe that it's been 3 months already. I still feel like he's on some weird vacation or tour of duty with the Navy, like he used to go on when we were little. My daddy would be gone at least 6 months to 1 year, and this feels like that...except there's no biweekly letters or phone calls.
There are other things that are making me sad, that I just can't say here. I wish I could, but that would just open up a whole new can of worms, and I'd like to have minimal worm infestation. Don't we have enough of that on the internet?
Changes are SO difficult. I try to overcome them. I try to say that it's all a part of life, but that doesn't ease the process.
Also, my mother will be gone for 2 months starting next week. Although the change will be good for everyone, it's hard to not have both parents here and close.
I'm a little run down today. I'll admit that I'm wallowing a little bit in my sadness. There are days where I just can't fight the feeling (like REO Speedwagon?)...
Today is one of those days.
Wow.
It's really hard to believe that it's been 3 months already. I still feel like he's on some weird vacation or tour of duty with the Navy, like he used to go on when we were little. My daddy would be gone at least 6 months to 1 year, and this feels like that...except there's no biweekly letters or phone calls.
There are other things that are making me sad, that I just can't say here. I wish I could, but that would just open up a whole new can of worms, and I'd like to have minimal worm infestation. Don't we have enough of that on the internet?
Changes are SO difficult. I try to overcome them. I try to say that it's all a part of life, but that doesn't ease the process.
Also, my mother will be gone for 2 months starting next week. Although the change will be good for everyone, it's hard to not have both parents here and close.
I'm a little run down today. I'll admit that I'm wallowing a little bit in my sadness. There are days where I just can't fight the feeling (like REO Speedwagon?)...
Today is one of those days.
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Too much is happening, too many things all at once. Since my father passed away, it's just hitting me now, all the moving going on...moving furniture, moving away, moving on.
And to top it, there's no new "Friends" episodes anymore.
This year has too many changes. I'm getting lightheaded.
And to top it, there's no new "Friends" episodes anymore.
This year has too many changes. I'm getting lightheaded.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
I went to Vegas this weekend to visit my dear friend who was just accepted as a transfer student to UNLV. He's got a great house and it will be a cute place when it's done. We went to Lake Mead and had fun about the town, as well as getting some preliminary things done for his house. It's SO hot there! Needless to say, I will be visiting Vegas more often than I normally do.
But we had an argument over the holiday weekend, and it while most of it was valid...I wasn't sure how the things that are happening with my family and father play into how I felt at that time.
My question of the day is: Just how sensitive am I allowed to be?
I just don't want to use my family situation as a crutch or leverage whenever I get into any arguments or debates. I don't want people to think that they can't say what they need to say to me because of what happened with my dad.
While I am overly sensitive right now, I guess I've always been emotionally sensitive. But even so, I hate it when people feel sorry for me. I can hold my own, and I can defend myself when necessary. I can stand up for myself, and I'm not weak even though I am emotional.
So now I'm wondering: am I trying TOO hard to stand up for myself? Am I trying to be too brave by trying to prove myself? Am I creating situations just to prove I'm not weak?
On the forefront of my mind is my mother and how she is. Lately, she has been on the worst side of weak. I love her so much that it hurts me that she seems to be pretending to be weaker than I know she is. She seems to be retreating into herself, and my sister and I are concerned.
If I tell her that I know she is being extreme, she will be offended. She will think I'm attacking her. If I let her be, she will think it's ok to be the way she is. I know we're all having a hard time...and now is even more difficult because she is seeing all of the Father's Day celebrations beginning, and we don't have my daddy here anymore. But while I am a sensitive and emotional person, I'm not letting that take hold of me, and I can see that it has engulfed my mother in waves.
I'm going to Canada on June 18-21. I will be dropping my mother off to my aunt in Toronto. I will miss her dearly, but I know this will be good for everyone to gain some perspective.
But we had an argument over the holiday weekend, and it while most of it was valid...I wasn't sure how the things that are happening with my family and father play into how I felt at that time.
My question of the day is: Just how sensitive am I allowed to be?
I just don't want to use my family situation as a crutch or leverage whenever I get into any arguments or debates. I don't want people to think that they can't say what they need to say to me because of what happened with my dad.
While I am overly sensitive right now, I guess I've always been emotionally sensitive. But even so, I hate it when people feel sorry for me. I can hold my own, and I can defend myself when necessary. I can stand up for myself, and I'm not weak even though I am emotional.
So now I'm wondering: am I trying TOO hard to stand up for myself? Am I trying to be too brave by trying to prove myself? Am I creating situations just to prove I'm not weak?
On the forefront of my mind is my mother and how she is. Lately, she has been on the worst side of weak. I love her so much that it hurts me that she seems to be pretending to be weaker than I know she is. She seems to be retreating into herself, and my sister and I are concerned.
If I tell her that I know she is being extreme, she will be offended. She will think I'm attacking her. If I let her be, she will think it's ok to be the way she is. I know we're all having a hard time...and now is even more difficult because she is seeing all of the Father's Day celebrations beginning, and we don't have my daddy here anymore. But while I am a sensitive and emotional person, I'm not letting that take hold of me, and I can see that it has engulfed my mother in waves.
I'm going to Canada on June 18-21. I will be dropping my mother off to my aunt in Toronto. I will miss her dearly, but I know this will be good for everyone to gain some perspective.
