any second now...

I have 2 blogs...one here on and one on My Space. I keep having to figure out what to post where. I'm hesitatant to post things other than how my weekend went or JD Fortune, INXS and John Mayer in My Space because it's so much more public. I post here because I've only allowed a few people to read my blogs because they were way too personal.

Speaking of personal...ACK. I want to write so much about a certain "situation" that I've been referring to since last month, but I just can't do it until I'm "allowed" to. But I will say that the situation is now bothering me.

But you know what? "Pretty Vegas" is playing right now on the radio, and I just don't feel like dwelling on it. It's just so dumb and I've been such a good friend to this person for SO long...and now I'm being chastised for something that I can't help...and this person is being an idiot.

Will this person read this? Maybe...I don't think this person will...but if I stop talking to said person, that person may get the hint as to how hurt and angry I am and may end up reading this in order to find out where I am if I really decide to just stop contact with this person. I don't want it to come to that, but why am I the bad person when all I did was care.

I feel like I wasted YEARS thinking about it, and it ended up being for naught. I didn't lie for as long as this person did, then become self righteous because of it and dump all over the ONE PERSON who has been the most understanding out of all of this.

So I'm just going to enjoy the pretty that is JD Fortune and wait for my niece to be born. I refuse to dwell on it anymore.

This is going to be HANDS DOWN the goofiest blog I've ever posted, but I don't give a shit.

Have you ever felt your heart skip a beat? I mean, when you saw someone...you felt like you had to catch your breath?

I know of ONE time that's happened to me, and that's when I met UNLV. I felt my heart beat out of my chest, and it took me a few minutes to recover...and I had to do it in front of him. It happened again after we broke up and got back together and we hadn't see each other in about a year and a half. When I saw him, I literally felt my knees go weak.

Well, it happened again...and I can't believe I'm going to post this...but I had to because it's been awhile...and it was due to a PICTURE.

I was looking at rockband.com, which is a website where a lot of former posters at the Rock Star: INXS site have migrated to. So a gal posted pictures of INXS' appearance on Much Music in Canada, and there was about 3 pictures of JD Fortune that stunned me.

Here's a link: http://www.rockband.com/messageboard/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=1445&whichpage=9

There's a lot of pictures on there, but he's wearing a green shirt with black jacket and has a microphone in his hand.

Like WHOA. Literally, I scrolled down, and my heart almost burst out of my chest. I'm kinda glad I didn't turn around at the Virgin Megastore signing, because I'm sure he would have felt me gasp for breath or something after he hugged me.

Wow. That's so strange and cheesy at the same time. But I'm glad I felt that. Since UNLV and I will never get back together again, it's nice to know that I can have my heart skip a beat for someone else...

even if it's feigned and in vain...

Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. I did...very low key.

So this is what I posted in My Space on Saturday night:

Exactly 52 minutes later...
Current mood: drunk

Suzie had a mouthful of JD's ass cake.

Yes friends, I got the "Rock Star: INXS" DVD. And JD Fortune, for all his crudeness...is one sexy son of a bitch. Ain't nothing like naked JD to breathe new life into your weekend.

Fave JD quote: "I'm 31. I've been told that I look like I'm 25, but I fuck like I'm 18..."

Whoa. That really doesn't say much, but I guess it's a compliment to his "recovery" time.

Drove my mom to visit an old friend from the Phillippines who now lives in Santa Monica. They were "co-teachers". It was really cool to see her have a connection with someone, and see her laugh so genuniely since my father died last year.

Later last night, went out with one of my good friends to a nightclub in San Diego called Altitude. It's atop the Marriott by PetCo Park. Met some guys who work for Titleist and they bought us drinks. Got bored when they went to look for a gal named "Mika" and left. Then had a funny thing happen in the bathroom where my friend inadvertantly told a girl fixing her hair who she didn't hear fart earlier that she stinks (which was EXTREMELY ironic). We then went to the Omni hotel, crashed a little wedding reception after party and stole brochures and Macy's coupons from a seminar table set for later this morning. This caused us to giggle uncontrollably the rest of the evening.

Boy, did I need THAT. And I'm still a little buzzed, thank you. Sometimes, I enjoy the haziness of a drunken evening.

Checked my email via my cell, to see that John Mayer posted another blog & went to his 10 year reunion last night. Did he bust through the double doors of his high school? He never said, but he DID just come home from doing the "late night diner" thing.

Isn't it cool to find equalization in Denny's?

Alright, off to bed I go to be up bright eyed and bushy tailed to see my Chargers beat the shit out of the Redskins.

That's right, I said it. Oh, and JD has a nice ass. Even better when it's frosted with chocolate.

Audi 5000 bitches.

(Also...the Chargers did kick some Redskin butt in overtime. Final score: 23-17)

Alright, I'm nervous AND anxious.

My sister's baby is going to be born ANY DAY NOW. I can't think straight. I keep looking at my phone, anxious and panicked. Her doctor said that she's due, and ready.

My niece may arrive DURING Thanksgiving! She may arrive next week while I'm at INXS (well, I think I'm going to see INXS at the "Big in 2005" appearance for VH1). She may arrive NOW.

*sigh*

Well, onto more trivial things because I just can't handle the other stuff.

I had to choose the Oakland Raiders over the Miami Dolphins for the office football pool. Ack...that was the hardest decision to make because my rule of thumb is this: ALWAYS pick my Chargers, NEVER pick the Raiders. If Miami wasn't on such a losing streak, I would of course pick AGAINST the Raiders.

I also chose Kansas City, even though I want them to lose because that will increase our chances. But again, for monetary purposes...I chose KC.

Almost break time. Too bad the batteries ran out in my little walkman...I really want to listen to Switch.

On my list of CD's to buy: Try! - John Mayer

(I missed him on AMA's AND Good Morning America...that's what happens when 3 artists occupy the brain. I can't keep track!)

HAPPY TURKEY WEEKEND ALL!

See you guys next week.

Pain and suffering in various tempos

That what was on the Depeche Mode concert shirt THAT I DIDN'T GET. Oh well...but it was a whirlwind weekend of concerts.

SPOON

So I answered a Depeche Mode related trivia question on the radio station 91X, and it won me an in studio with a group called Spoon on Friday afternoon. Never heard of them, but I'm always up to listening to a new band. Long story short, the concert started at 130pm...and they were supposed to call me at 2pm, but my name wasn't on the right list. Got transferred to the promotional director, left a message that I hope to be compensated. He called me back at 430pm and asked me if I wanted "mediocre seats to a good concert": NINE INCH NAILS ON SUNDAY. I'll take that over Spoon, thanks very much.

UNDECIDED

Went with a friend to see a group that she likes, and they're basically an edgy O-Town. Cute and decent enough. They sang mostly covers.

DEPECHE MODE

What a SCREWED up night! My friend DJ Dark Angel couldn't get in at first because her belt was deemed a leathal weapon (well, not really...but they didn't like the chains). So when that was cleared up, we tried to get in...but our tickets were VOIDED! Some kind of mix up with iTunes and Ticketmaster. Mind you, this was a sold out show...and there were two 35 year old women in the parking lot of the Sports Arena sobbing that we couldn't get in. In the end...at the nth hour, I was able to buy tickets because they released tickets held by the promoter. The tradition was saved, and I was able to see my band.

The show was AMAZING...even through the heartache and missing half of Pain I'm Used To, which was the opening song...followed by John The Revalator (Dark Angel doesn't like it, but I do, lol). Precious was so touching. I wish they had played Lillian because I think it would have been better than Damaged People. It's ok...they played a bunch of hits. The crowd was on it's feet for Personal Jesus, Enjoy The Silence, Everything Counts and Never Let Me Down Again. I think I fell in love again with Dave during World In My Eyes. HOLY. SHIT. Dave is a sexy older gentleman.

The evenings surprises: Somebody and Just Can't Get Enough. I couldn't believe they played JCGE and NOT something like Strangelove or Master and Servant.

I was confused by the crowd. If I didn't know any better, I swear I was at a Dave Matthews or John Mayer concert. Hardly any black...and LOTS of college sweatshirts. But I guess Depeche Mode have reached U2 heights, and the crowd has changed significantly over the years.

NINE INCH NAILS

Wow...what a show. THIS was where all the Depeche Mode fans went...in fact, I saw some "Touring The Angel" DM shirts from the night before. Went with another friend who had seen NIN before. I've never seen them, so I wasn't sure what to expect. Amazing lighting set and very powerful show. The reason that they were in town is because their drummer had heart palpatations during the Soma show, and they had to end the show midway. He has since been treated and is fine, so they added San Diego to the end of their tour. The show closed with Head Like A Hole, and there was no encore.

I'm DRAINED. I need to sleep.

Oh yeah: MY CHARGERS WON against the Bills: 48-10. Massacre.

I wish I were more clever and more of a wordsmith.

Sometimes I think I have the gift of gab, but then I read something and am immediately humbled.

Read on:

(From John Mayer's blog on My Space)

Dear Cherry Tomatoes,

We're cool now. I know we didn't get on real well in the past, and I think the blame has fallen somewhere between us both. You're distinct!! You really come on strong there at the beginning with that first bite. You're like, "bang! tomato!" and some people get a little taken aback by that. I know I was. I also think I was a bit misled by the name "cherry tomato". That's a tall order, referencing a delicious fruit in your name like that. I don't know if any vegetable could compare themselves to cherries and get away with it.

I've had a hard time stabbing you with my fork. Sometimes I'd have to push down six or seven times before I got hold of you, what with your being covered in slick salad dressing, and round. Sometimes I just don't feel like playing. And maybe that's my fault.

Lately, though, I've been warming up to you. I've gotten older, my tastes more refined as a result. You've been respecting yourself, showing up in perfect symmetry ensconced in the corners of my grilled chicken salad. You carry yourself differently now. I'll admit it, I think that's kind of attractive. Makes people want to be around you.

I'm not saying we should just get together, but I think it would be cool to have you on more meals and maybe see where this goes. I don't want to forget about the past, but I also don't want to harp on it. It is what it is. Let's take things slow.

Love,
John

P.S. Dear olives,

I still f**king hate you.

(From a poster named Sweet Elle on mystupidmouth.com)

1. I miss you too. And when I say I miss you, I mean I crave you. I check the NJMC (Non-John Mayer Content) every couple of days, but don't reply to threads because I am on a fast track to meth addiction and I can't devote my time to making a fool of myself in verdana when there's Sudafed to be cooked down. Also, My computer went to Mexico and never came back, so I've been busy putting ribbons up and making flyers. She answers to "Motherfucker." The computer I'm using now isn't mine, is owned and used most of the time by someone else (But I'm taking them to court) and this means that the whole John Mayer Message Board Browser History conversation is one I try to avoid, sometimes. Not because I'm ashamed of you. But because I wish you'd buy a different dress before dinner at Bennigans.

If I were that clever, I certainly would get paid for writing blogs such as these. Alas, I'm not. So I'm sitting at a computer in La Jolla, CA...printing reports and waiting for the Thanksgiving Potluck "Let's Eat!" email to be sent out so that I can leave my desk and still be "in compliance" with our electronic schedule.

Notable notables:

- I heard "Pretty Vegas" on the radio yesterday. Rock 102.1 FM KPRI

- Depeche Mode in THREE DAYS

- Decisions: To go to the Virgin Megastore INXS signing, or not to go. That is the question that apparently only matters to me.

The baby shower has come and gone. It was fun...but INSANE. My mother decided that I needed to be awake by 630am...I didn't do anything until about 830am, which was when I had set my alarm. I ran around in the morning and friends came to help decorate, and the festivities officially kicked off at 2pm. It was crazy all day and went into the night.

My sister is a beautiful mother. I'm so excited to have my niece out and about, calling me Auntie...she's officially due in about 2 weeks.

UNLV had promised to make it, but didn't. I can't even go into why I'm so angry that he didn't, but I guess we sort of resolved it (by email). It was a "failure to communicate" as it always is. He didn't indiate that he was going to be busy on both Thursday and Saturday, and went out on Friday because his mom was working.

ACK...that's ALL I will say about that. I cannot wait to say what I really have to say about everything, so that everyone can understand my frustration with my situation with UNLV.

Alright...so I've been posting blogs on myspace.com lately. Yes, I'm on My Space now. It's kinda cool. I'm mostly on it for the musicians. I think I have more musicians on my friends list than actual friends, lol.

John Mayer added me last night. I know you're thinking, "RIIIIIIIGHT...like that's REALLY John Mayer." It is. There was a poser, but since John has come off touring, he was told he should reclaim his name since My Space took the poser down.

John has been on A LOT. He posts a blog every other day. It's cool that he's kind of a geek, you know? When I added him, I created a blog that said, "John Mayer, will you be my friend?" Not sure if he read it, but my site was viewed about 10 more times last night.

Alright, can't type anymore right now...gotta get back to work. I just want my bonus check NOW.

I'm a little stressed about my sister's baby shower...for more reasons than I care to divulge here.

I'm tired of all of these "milestones". I would like to have a normal few months, uneventful...just life happening. I don't want to experience anymore life altering changes or "ah HA!" moments. No more spritual catharsis type revellations, none of that. I have had more than my share, and I think I've learned enough life lessons to satisfy even Confucious.

All of the "could have beens" and "should have beens" are now more "you never had a snowball's chance in hell", and although I could never have predicted the outcome, the way this ended just HAD to be this way.

I wish I could just stop these moments where I have to pause and just breathe deeply to make sure that I can handle the next. Or close my eyes to make moments go away...just for a second or two.

I feel like I'm watching my life on TV...where all the characters are still the same, but God as the writer has introduced a plot twist to see how the protagonist will handle the next couple of episodes. It's like, ok...I recognize everyone...but someone changed the direction of one of the main characters...just to mess with the viewing audience.

Have you ever looked at someone, and know that they are the same exact person as they were not too long ago...but now seem so incredibly unfamiliar to you? That person says the same things, but everything has changed meaning.

I need to win the Lotto. Then I would buy my own personal INXS concert and make JD sing "Need You Tonight" just to me.

I need to figure out how to decompress...but I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I did the same thing with my dad's death. I keep thinking I'm just supposed to be able to get over this and carry on as normal.

I can't...not all at once at least.

I have a feeling that someone believes that life should carry on as completely normal. Like, "Oh, now THAT'S over, we'll have fun again!" This person believes that just because all these revellations have been made...and I have accepted the situation fully, that everything can just go back to "the way it was". It has...to some degree. But expecting me to just do things the way we used to...except with this added new element (and sadly, minus a very big one), is just too presumptuous of this person.

I really wish I could distance myself from this person right now. I wish I could take "time off" without hurting this person's feelings. This person would not understand, and would think that my time off is a precursor to completely cutting off the friendship...which is NOT the case. I would never end my friendship with this person.

But it's too much. It's sensory overload. I'm crashing emotionally...and I'm doing it under the guise of unconditional love and understanding.

There is A LOT of noise in my head when I don't have music playing...

Lately, I've been feeling like I've been Punk'd or something.

I don't think people are supposed to have this many things happen to them in this short amount of time. Aren't these things supposed to have some set limit of occuring 5+ years apart?

Oh..oh...that whole "When it rains, it pours" saying.

Yeah, BITE ME.

I'm serious...God had better set JD Fortune in my path somewhere. I'm ready for the storm to be one of pleasure instead of heartbreak.

ARGH. iPod batteries don't last long. I keep forgetting to bring my charger with me.

Fuck it. I'm going to the bathroom.

Ack.

I am really REALLY trying to focus on the positive these days. I have had SUCH a difficult weekend. I was faced with something I had NEVER thought would happen...yet, it is exactly as it should be.

I walked into a weekend that could have been adverse at best (or at worst), but because I am striving to create a more harmonious world around me, I decided to make the best of it. Because of the circumstance, I am being EXTREMELY vague. To those of you who know the truth, then this will make perfect sense. Those of you who don't know, you will not know for a LONG time.

This weekend required an INORDINATE amount of understanding on my part. I do not wish my weekend on anyone. But...it was necessary, and it happened.

From this weekend, I have grown to understand myself, too. I have deepened a frienship that I always had hoped would be this rich and fulfilling...I just didn't expect it to be this way.

One of my friends said that surprisingly, the weekend was going very smoothly...which it was.

Where did I go? LA.
Who did I visit? I'm going to leave that vague.
What did I do? I had a mixture of fun, struggle, emotional explosion, and understanding.
Where do I go from here? Not sure, but it will be better than where I've been.

Perfect theme song for just a little understanding into what happened:

"Cool" by Gwen Stefani

That should give a lot of it away.

So on top of that Friday to Saturday event, I went home thinking "I'd LOVE to see the 'Pretty Vegas' video...." Small consolation to what has happened, but I'm taking pleasure in these little things.

I get home Saturday evening and fall asleep on the couch. I wake up at 4am, and decide that I should go to the living room and pop in a tape and just record VH1 until my tape runs out, so that I may catch "Pretty Vegas". I fall back asleep.

I dreamt that my dad said, "There's that video you like..." I look up and see some woman singing. I said, "Dad, that's not it!" He said, "Yes it is...look..." I looked back up at the screen, and sure enough, I saw INXS.

I woke up to JD's beautiful face, larger than life on my big screen TV. AND, I taped it on the other TV, only 45 minutes into the tape...

PLUS, the Chargers beat the Jets 31-26...too close, but we won nonetheless.

I am Pooh.

Have you read "The Tao of Pooh"? There is your suggested reading for this week.

Uh, so yeah...I really think everything that's happening is SUPPOSED to happen. It's in the STARS...read on:

Taurus

You've been worried about someone you care for who's far away from you now, and you're pretty sure that they've been less than forthcoming with you. Well, that may be the case, but if you don't know all the details, let them slide. They may have been trying to protect you from something you really didn't need to know. Hang onto one of the traits your sign is famous for: patience. Remember, it can make or break a friendship.

5 Favorite Things right now

I was listening to the radio this morning, and they asked each DJ for their favorite things right now. Here are mine:

1. JD FORTUNE and INXS - I can say both because they ARE afterall, 1 band. JD is BEAUTIFUL.

2. Goth - People tend to think that goth is negative, but it's not. I have a dark side, and goth music feeds into that and brings it out so that it's not kept inside me. A lot of the beats are droning and driven, but it's so strong that you can't ignore the power behind it. I'm digging the new "Goth Industrial Club Anthems" boxed set that I bought on Saturday. It's dark and lovely.

3. "Playing the Angel" - Ah, I see Depeche Mode in TWO WEEKS! The album is fantabulous. It's got the driving industrial beats I'm into right now, but teamed with those infamous Martin Gore melodies. Oh, and Dave Gahan has written 3 songs on the album. My favorite tracks: John The Revalator, Suffer Well (a Dave Gahan song!), Precious, and Lillian.

4. THE SAN DIEGO CHARGERS - Ok, this may not be a fair one because I've always had a love affair with my Chargers for a long time. I've come to really appreciate the game of football, and I am doing everything I can to learn the game. However, I REFUSE to participate in those "women only" NFL 101 camps. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I'm not already knowledgable about football. I can intelligently talk about my team and the season thus far. I don't need a lesson on what a touchdown is or what it means when the referee tosses the yellow flag, thanks very much.

5. PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE - Ah, I love it when Starbucks changes seasons. Next is the Egg Nog Latte.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Stickers - Can't get enough of them.

The new video iPod - Next on my must have list. "Pretty Vegas" in my purse? YES.

Notebooks - I use it in addition to my calendar. It's great in lieu of a diary. I look back at the things I was thinking about and where I've been. Plus, you can hold your directioins to people's houses or places you want to visit again. Completely handy.

Blogs - I'm writing it, and you are reading it. If you can't take the train wreck that is my life, then you know your choices. Thanks for stopping by.