any second now...

HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL!

I know my blogs as of late have been pretty morbid. I will not apologize for them, but I can say that I have moved passed them.

Clarity is a wonderful thing, which is why I'm sure John Mayer wrote a song about it. Once you have clarity, then the world is a better place.

Someone today said I was glowng. I think it was the weight lifted from my shoulders. I feel lighter and brighter.

I went out with Batman on Friday (RIIIIIIGHT...you say, but it's true, lol). Batman is a very good friend from work who has helped me get through this most recent rough period. I can say with certainty that I'm very confident of certain friendships for the first time in a few years, and I know that it can only get better.

I saw Wednesday on Saturday. It was great to see her, and when we went to The Cheesecake Factory with her roommates, our waitress told he she looked like Liv Tyler...how awesome is that?! It was the dark hair, I know it. We also ate at a place called "More Than Waffles". Those were THE best waffles in the world.

I also saw UNLV this weekend, believe it or not. He and I have come to an understanding about our friendship. That understanding will be clear in due time here, just not right now. No matter what has occured between us, it has come to it's conclusion. We have moved on from that, and now we are so much closer and so much happier. All my worries, I no longer have, and all my frustrations have disappeared. He is my best friend, and I can say that with complete certainty. We care deeply for each other, and it will remain that way as the years go by. He's a wonderful person, and I am glad to have him in my life.

This brings me to my horoscope...check it out:

Taurus

You've never been famous for your out and out love of surprises and sudden change. Still, if anyone knows about all work and no play, it's you -- so when something unusual and unexpected happens, even if you're not tickled about the event itself, you do invariably end up being quite tickled (okay, and maybe just a touch smug) to be the one person involved who wasn't completely thrown off-course by whatever just happened.

The cosmos have even dictated the events as of late, and now I know everything is the way it was meant to be.

Plus, the Chargers beat Kansas City 28-20. We play at the Jets next week. LaDanian Tomlinson's quaterterback passing record has surpassed their entier team COMBINED for this season so far. I think we've got that in the bag, too. We have a bye, then Buffalo comes here. The rest of the season will be rough, but not impossible. We just have to make sure we score at least 2 touchdowns in the first half. If we can't do Marty-ball, then we have to pass it and that's where we have a little trouble. I think our young defense should be getting better.

We will make it to the playoffs...it's in the stars, I tell you!

I just have to say this:

What fucking life lessons am I supposed to be learning from this newest "event"? Haven't I already been dealt enough blows to my psyche and spirit for this year? I mean, REALLY...

I get it...you know? I get that life is short, I get that we have to do everything possible to live life to the fullest, I get that I have to make the most of every situation...but why do I keep getting kicked down whenever I feel I've just gotten back up again.

Stop already. Just stop. Enough life lessons and understanding situations. I'M FUCKING TIRED.

I'm doing a really terrible job at pretending things are ok. I've been told I'm actually doing a great job...that unless I said I wasn't ok, you could never tell.

But I am pretending. I'm pretending because I'm a little lost. Fuck THAT, I'm A LOT LOST.

What do you do when you thought one way for SO long, then suddenly it isn't that way...and in fact, it wasn't that way the entire time? Do you question everything? Do you believe anything anyone is saying?

So where do you put those energies that were once directed in one way, and now have to be re-directed? Are they wasted?

As Depeche Mode so wisely put it "People Are People"...but do you really believe it?

I am so glad that I am able to "take solace in trivial things" (I like quoting my own work). If I didn't have INXS or Depeche Mode to keep me occupied, I think things would be really dark right now.

Silly you say? You know what, I don't give a shit.

Taurus

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)You're a rock -- the sturdy, steady heart of your family, just like the Sun is the heart-center of our little corner of the galaxy. So now, when someone you love has something on their mind that they don't feel comfortable sharing with just anyone, they'll be absolutely sure to come to you first -- and you'll be just as sure to go all out to help keep them on track.

Ack. My Chargers lost a HEARTBREAKER yesterday against the Philly Eagles. And of course it MUST follow that my phone starts ringing off the hook by would be braggarts. Geez...at least I have the decency to wait until Tuesday before I call and start boasting about the Chargers.

So...this was a strange month. I'm ready for it to end NOW. If anyone had told me that I would be going through what I have since last March, I would have said NO ONE deserves to have that much happen in just over a year. It's too much.

God only gives you what you can handle. If I can handle my father's tragic and unexpected death, I can handle what I've been going through this last week.

I am VERY SAD, but not broken. I know my friend will be there for me, although it will be different between us...but different in the best way possible for the situation. Since this is the way it has to be, there is no other outcome. When you have no alternative, then you have to make the best of it.

I have a lot to gain now, because I have really lost nothing.

I can be nothing short of vague, and you will have to accept it.

I know my entries have been vague, yet sad...and there is reason. When something ends that you just were hoping would be there forever, something in you just dies a little bit.

But what can come of it is a new understanding, and hopefully a new friendship.

Those who are wondering, I will explain as necessary.

BTW, it's 448pm. Only if you know INXS will you know what that means.

Every now and again I have to sit still and catch my breath. I think I do it because I have to believe there is a certainty in my existence. So many things have changed lately that I can only handle the things that I know I am sure of: I am sure I am still here and I am sure that through all the doubts, it is still the same me.

I am unsure of my footing in my world because of the swirling I see all around me. Everything is lucid and racing past me at lightening speed, but I am still crawling at a turtle's pace. I have one foot in the past and one foot running just behind the future. I want to be in the present, but I keep getting betrayed by everything in front of me.

The noise in my head is deafening. So many thoughts and conversations ebb and flow, never stopping. It's because all the questions I had, I don't have anymore. But even though the answers make sense, they pose more questions...and the questions are now about me and where do I fit in all of this.

My question to myself is this: What happens now that the most extreme and unexpected answer to all my questions, is the one that makes the most sense?

The answer: There is not one thing I can do about it anymore.

I have experienced something that has impacted me in ways that I cannot explain. When you have answers to questions that you've always wondered about, and clarity finally sets in...it's not all it's cracked up to be.

But when you realize that it all makes sense, then no matter how hard it was to make that realization...in the end, it IS worth knowing.

Vague again, I know...and please don't ask. I'll avoid the questions and act like you never asked.

Sometimes, what compells me to post in my blog does not compell me to explain. This is one of those times.

JD FORTUNE smells good.

This was a pretty good weekend. I had only one really kind of semi-emotional setback, but all was made up for pretty quickly...as pretty as Vegas in the song, lol (sorry about that).

Like the title? IT'S TRUE.

Ok, highlights of this weekend:

It's a boy!

- Mardid had her baby on Friday! Cute baby boy, 5lbs 6 oz, 18 inches in length. She called me at about 11am, but her water broke at 240am, and she gave birth at around 8am.

Paradise Hills

- Ten and I went to see a group called Paradise Hills at the Bean Bar (a drive thru coffee shop, pretty cool if you ask me). One of the guys in the band was a drummer in my choir, so it was cool to see him. He was so surprised to see me. There was another band called The Transit War, and they were pretty good. I got a shirt...which is a little disturbing (it's a bleeding heart), but I really like it. I told Ten we should definitely do more of these events. New budding bands are always fun to see.

http://www.myspace.com/paradisehills

http://www.thetransitwar.com/

CHARGERS BEAT THE RAIDERS 27-14!

Oh, how sweet it is!!!! The Steelers lost, too...thought I'd mention that.

Sugar and spice, and everything nice...

- I heard my niece's heartbeat on Monday morning (yesterday). I burst into tears at the first beat. It's been a long time since I was overcome by joy so much that it moved me to tears. My heart overflowed.

Are you kidding? It's DAMNED pretty after the show!

- VIRGIN MEGASTORE, Hollywood & Highland

The INXS/Gang of Four/Dredge concert was cancelled due to rain...but they did mini meet and greets instead, and I had my "moment" with JD.

It rained HARD yesterday. I had my car serviced in the morning, then my sister and I went to her appointment where I heard my niece's heartbeat (see above), then off to lunch, got my car and I was off to LA.

The drive itself was uneventful, but I did discover a new independent radio station called 103.1. I happened upon the station and Sir Richard Branson was on the phone with the DJ talking about his new Virgin Megastore opening up on Hollywood and Highland (where I was going!). He talked about the groups and about INXS and the show Rockstar INXS. It was cool.

So I get there early...it's about 230pm. I called one of the gals from the Rockstar message board who asked if we could meet up, and explained the situation and how everything looked. I told her I would call back with updates. I did a little shopping. I've always liked Virgin Megastores, so it was fun to walk around.

The announcement was made that the show was cancelled due to safety reasons, and I figured that would be so. It was way too wet outside for anyone to be safe.

I called my message board buddy back and she decided that she didn't want to come out if there was no concert. I understood. I had been there all day and I wasn't about to go home, so I decided I would stay for the meet and greet.

Another announcement was made for how to line up for the meet and greet. We were to go to the second level of the Kodak Theather area and wait there for further instruction. I think I was in the 3rd wave of people.

It was fun...met another fan in line and we decided to kind of be our own "group" since they kept asking "who are you here with?" before sending us off. We get to the store and the line, and we are immediately greeted by The TV Guide Channel. We each got intreviewed, then we got moved up the stairs. They took our cameras, and we were just plopped right in front of INXS.

I was in a daze and was just trying to get in between them all when JD grabbed me and said, "They're going to take your picture!" He spun me around and I couldn't see the guy who had my camera, so I think it's going to be a candid shot of me with INXS. JD hugged me from behind and said, "I'm SO sorry!" so nicely because he KNEW that was not the shot anyone would have wanted. At that point, I just realized that JD hugged me and how good he smelled, lol.

With no more opportunities, I got my camera, whipped around and said, to INXS "I've been a fan for 18 years, and I voted for YOU JD!" I saw JD smile, and I think I hear thank you's...then that was it.

It was harried, disorganized...but I guess that's all they could do in that moment in time.

If that were my event, I would have anticipated the rain. I would have asked if each band could do a reduced accoustic set in the store.

These are my takeaways from that experience:

- I would have walked the line and shook everyone's hand. I was up there with INXS for God's sake! They ARE the ledgends, and JD is the new boy.

- I also would have worn something ROOTS just for the impact it would have made on JD. He's from Canada and would have known immediately. NO ONE wore ROOTS. I'm sure he would have stopped me and asked me where I was from. My encounter would have been better.

But what I will say is this: JD Fortune is a very gracious person. While the INXS men are used to this frenzy, they kind of stood back and didn't notice the things around them. JD noticed EVERYTHING. There was a little boy who was up there with his family and kinda wandered onstage marvelling at the lights. JD saw him almost walk off stage and away, so he stopped him and turned him around so that he wouldn't miss out and be seperated from his family. It was SO cute and SO mindful.

What could have been a really disappointing experience for me, he made the most of it by paying attention. I was NOT paying attention, so he at least tried to make the picture happen. When he knew it didn't, he apologized, and he didn't have to.

And I will say this WITH CERTAINTY: JD is BEAUTIFUL in person. Holy cow, what a good looking guy. I was really stunned at how handsome he is. That man will have his pick of women for sure.

There is it...nice weekend, eh? :)

I know I didn't write much about my grand aunt's birthday party, but there really isn't much to say. It was great, I was busy the whole time, and that's about it. The cha-cha ballroom dance routine went swimmingly. The song "Tears In Heaven" did not, however. I just wasn't used to the loudness of the keyboard, and I don't think my cousin and I tuned it correctly to his guitar. Also, my other cousin didn't sing very loudly, and it over all didn't go as well as it could have. Although, my younger cousin did very well on guitar. It was fabulous to see all my cousins down from Vancouver. I missed them.

Ack...this is all I'm going to say right now about this particular subject: The trouble with UNLV, is that there isn't any. But that isn't good or bad, there's just NOTHING going on...and I fear I just have to leave it be.

Moving on...

So, I got tickets to the Pala show for INXS. I'm DAMNED excited. We got floor seats, and I don't think they're half bad. I just wanted to see JD, hee hee. I'm excited to see INXS as a band with JD, but I want to see JD in full concert regala.

I downloaded a bunch of new pictures of JD. Oh MY that boy is HOTTTTTT. I get to see them on Monday at the new Virgin Mega Store in LA. I'm sure it will be INSANE, but I don't care. I just want to see that hottie up close and personal. 6'2", 165, lanky rocker body...oh my GOD.

Who needs a boyfriend when I've got my imagination, lol?

So no, my Chargers didn't win. And my co-worker is NOT letting me live it down! We shall call him DJ Steeler, because he is such a Pittsburg fan. But he called me all night long, and sent me text messages all night...at the end, I had to shut off my phone because I KNEW he was going to brag. But he brought me a rally towel, so I guess it's ok. If we won, then I would have really let him have it, too...payback is a BITCH.

Final score: Steelers 24, Chargers 22

It was a CLOSE game. TOO close. We really needed to make bigger strides to score more points in the first half. It ALWAYS happens to us. We come back big in the second half, but by then, we're playing catch up and we can never get a large enough lead to fend off the opponent.

We just couldn't get the last score in. We didn't even get the 2 point conversion...but that might have hurt more being 1 point behind rather than 2. I think it was that "3 plays in 71 seconds" Steeler drive that really got us in the beginning of the 4th quarter. We LET them have that.

Also, I think Brees is a great and very smart quarterback. But he needs to stop going deep on the 3rd down. His long passes seem to come up slightly short, so the receiver can never meet the ball, they're always running UP to the ball. I know we're great in the red zone, but sometimes he doesn't use his short yardage to his advantage BEFORE that. I mean, WE HAVE LT...just give him the ball and let him rush for the 1st down, you know?

But it really was a good game. The Charges kept it close the whole time. There was no large gap, which is good. We didn't get creamed, you know? I mean, we DID beat Tom Brady and his almighty Patriots last week. AND, this was the first Monday Night Football game IN SAN DIEGO since 1996. It was about time that everyone got to see just how good we are.

Now, it's on to Oakland. If we're going to win, we gotta win THERE. You know you are a true Charger fan when you HATE THE RAIDERS.

RADIERS ARE GOING DOWN.

http://www.chargers.com/news/headline_detail.cfm?news_key=2357

This weekend was the big birthday bash for my grand aunt. All of the months of hard work and rehearsals paid off...and it was a blur of events.

I'll write more about it tomorrow...but today, I just gotta say:

CHARGERS WILL WIN VS STEELERS FOR MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL!!

I predict the score will be 31 to 21.

Also...NEXT WEEK IS INXS. Sensory overload. I just gotta see that hottie JD in person, that's all.

Stuff

- The JD lust fest is in full swing, my dear friends. Take a peep at where they can be found:

* INXS are playing a benefit for breast cancer at the LA HOB on Oct 15. $150 donation to go, AND you get to see Melissa Etheridge and Goo Goo Dolls.

* INXS are going to play the opening of the new Virgin Mega Store on Hollywood and Highland on Oct 17. I took the day off.

* INXS will be coming to PALA CASINO on Jan 25, 2006. That's my mom's birthday. My sister and I said that we would take her along with my aunt and uncle to the casino, give them money, and then go watch INXS.

And my sister just downloaded "Pretty Vegas". It is in non-stop rotation in every CD player I own. She also put 4 other performaces from Rockstar: INXS on there, too.

I like his version of "Suspicious Minds", but my favorite song he sang is "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by The Rolling Stones. I can totally hear the Elvis in his rendition of "Suspicious Minds"...it's way deep, man. No matter how hard he tries to just sound like "JD" singing an Elvis song...it sounds like "former-Elvis-impersonator-JD" singing an Elvis song trying his hardest NOT to sound like he's a former Elvis impersonator.

Ok...I think I have to ween myself off of the JD...

or maybe not.