Tuesday, July 06, 2004
I just spoke to my mom today. She's ok, but she's bored. My cousins try to visit her when they can, and they call everyday...as do I.
What I have to remember is that everyone isn't like me. I make sure to call my mom everyday, at least twice a day because I know how she is and I know she needs that reassurance. She'll never ask for the attention, but she craves it. I have learned that over the many years of living with her. She doesn't need presents or things to make her happy. As long as we pay attention to her and make sure she is needed, she feels good and feels loved.
That's why I call her everyday. I knew my aunt, cousin and mom dropped me off at Toronto airport that I would have to call her because I would hate to think that my mom would feel in anyway that we didn't need her. We will always need her, and she has to know that in order for her to survive my father's death.
But again, I behave in that manner...I try an anticipate what the other person is feeling or thinking. When getting a gift for someone, I want to know that it would be something that I would want myself, and would want if I were that person. I try to pay attention to detail and things that person says.
I'm have definitely not perfected that art. This weekend was a true testimony to that.
So I started to reach out for people, who were busy themselves. When I don't get that reciprocation I desire, then I feel a certain kind of anxiousness, like people have forgotten about me or something silly like that. I know that's not true, but when I'm by myself and not really doing much...thoughts like that invade my mind and pollute it with insecurities.
My other friend also said it may be the full moon, too.
In any case, I have to realize that not everyone is like me. When I care about someone, I care with all of my heart. When I don't get the same response, I feel dejected. I really believe I get that from my mom. She expects that because I am her daughter, that I will be more empathetic and sypathetic...which I am. Right now, I can tell she's so happy to hear from me, but a little disappointed because it's not my sister.
I asked my sister about that...I asked her if she calls mom everyday. One time, she said, "I was going to but I got busy". THAT pissed me off. It doesn't take but a minute of someone's time to say "Hi mom...just wanted to say hi and see if you're ok."
But see, there again is what I would do. And I expect other's to be like that too. I expected a friend this weekend to chat with me like he always does, but he was busy with many other things. I expected that if he could go to a party, that he would CERTAINLY have time to talk to me...but why would I think that way? I'm not a total priority in his life, although I know I am important.
This was just a strange weekend. I was sad and lonely. I was alone a lot, and couldn't figure out what was going on with me. I was busy, but that didn't keep my mind from wandering.
I figured it out when I walked into the picnic area where my relatives were all set up for the 4th of July. Usually, I am at this picnic with my whole family, sometimes without my sister because she is married and has other friends. But I will go every year with my mom and dad. This time, I parked the car and walked there alone.
After greeting everyone, I had to walk away and cry for a good 10 minutes. I had to call my friend and apologize for being so demanding of his time. I ate a little and cried when the first firework exploded in the sky. My aunt reached over and held my hand and said, "You know your dad is here watching, too..." which just put me over the edge.
I went home alone, sad and wishing that I could be anywhere but where I was. I called other friends, sobbing on their voicemails. Then my other good friend called me up and asked me to go out with her, which is just what I needed.
I want to thank my friends for understanding me this weekend. It was rough, but I got through it.
What I have to remember is that everyone isn't like me. I make sure to call my mom everyday, at least twice a day because I know how she is and I know she needs that reassurance. She'll never ask for the attention, but she craves it. I have learned that over the many years of living with her. She doesn't need presents or things to make her happy. As long as we pay attention to her and make sure she is needed, she feels good and feels loved.
That's why I call her everyday. I knew my aunt, cousin and mom dropped me off at Toronto airport that I would have to call her because I would hate to think that my mom would feel in anyway that we didn't need her. We will always need her, and she has to know that in order for her to survive my father's death.
But again, I behave in that manner...I try an anticipate what the other person is feeling or thinking. When getting a gift for someone, I want to know that it would be something that I would want myself, and would want if I were that person. I try to pay attention to detail and things that person says.
I'm have definitely not perfected that art. This weekend was a true testimony to that.
So I started to reach out for people, who were busy themselves. When I don't get that reciprocation I desire, then I feel a certain kind of anxiousness, like people have forgotten about me or something silly like that. I know that's not true, but when I'm by myself and not really doing much...thoughts like that invade my mind and pollute it with insecurities.
My other friend also said it may be the full moon, too.
In any case, I have to realize that not everyone is like me. When I care about someone, I care with all of my heart. When I don't get the same response, I feel dejected. I really believe I get that from my mom. She expects that because I am her daughter, that I will be more empathetic and sypathetic...which I am. Right now, I can tell she's so happy to hear from me, but a little disappointed because it's not my sister.
I asked my sister about that...I asked her if she calls mom everyday. One time, she said, "I was going to but I got busy". THAT pissed me off. It doesn't take but a minute of someone's time to say "Hi mom...just wanted to say hi and see if you're ok."
But see, there again is what I would do. And I expect other's to be like that too. I expected a friend this weekend to chat with me like he always does, but he was busy with many other things. I expected that if he could go to a party, that he would CERTAINLY have time to talk to me...but why would I think that way? I'm not a total priority in his life, although I know I am important.
This was just a strange weekend. I was sad and lonely. I was alone a lot, and couldn't figure out what was going on with me. I was busy, but that didn't keep my mind from wandering.
I figured it out when I walked into the picnic area where my relatives were all set up for the 4th of July. Usually, I am at this picnic with my whole family, sometimes without my sister because she is married and has other friends. But I will go every year with my mom and dad. This time, I parked the car and walked there alone.
After greeting everyone, I had to walk away and cry for a good 10 minutes. I had to call my friend and apologize for being so demanding of his time. I ate a little and cried when the first firework exploded in the sky. My aunt reached over and held my hand and said, "You know your dad is here watching, too..." which just put me over the edge.
I went home alone, sad and wishing that I could be anywhere but where I was. I called other friends, sobbing on their voicemails. Then my other good friend called me up and asked me to go out with her, which is just what I needed.
I want to thank my friends for understanding me this weekend. It was rough, but I got through it.
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