any second now...

First off, don't hate me because my PT Cruiser is beautiful.

Ok...well. Today is the day that my sister and her husband talk to my mom. She called this morning and wanted to talk to my mom at a restaurant tonight, but my mom didn't want to discuss their personal affairs in a public venue, which is understandable. I've done that, and it's not the best situation. My mom insisted that they have the discussion at our house.

So she tells my mom that she doesn't want me to interfere. She said it more than once, as if I were going to come charging out of my room in a huff all ready full of piss and vinegar to spew at her beloved husband.

I told my mom I would leave for the evening if they would like, so as not to cause any unnecessary trauma to an already tense situation. My mom insisted that I stay because I had done nothing wrong.

Isn't that SAD? I'm the one that got screamed at and cussed at, yet I'm being made out to be the bad guy here. I'm glad my mom asked me to stay. It's my house, too...and I should not be driven out because of something that HAPPENED TO ME.

Lately I've been thinking about my dad a lot.

OH, my Thanksgiving holiday was very nice. On 11/24/04, my mom and I went to a birthday dinner with UNLV and his mom. We had NEVER done that before, even when we were dating. It was very nice.

On Thanksgiving day, I went to UNLV's house first for lunch. It was a very small affair this time around. I've been to his aunt's house for Thanksgiving before, and usually all his cousins are around but not this time. It was very intimate with just his aunt's immediate family, his mom, her boyfriend and me and UNLV.

We then went to pick up my mom and drove up to Temecula for my relative's Thanksgiving get together. It was much larger than his, but exactly what I'm used to. I'm very glad that my mom didn't want to spend it at Barona like she had planned.

I must say, UNLV was quite the gentleman that day. He even expressed concern about my car and it's drivability, which prompted my mom to offer to help me with it sooner than expected.

After all the Thanksgivings (yes, stolen from "Friends"), we decided to walk off our food by taking a long stroll at Coronado Beach. It was cold, but the brisk walk warmed us up a bit and we got a good work out. After the walk, we sat and talked at a lifeguard tower.

We have come a long way. I was able to express my grief more freely with UNLV about my dad. We talked a little about our past and how it's in the far distant past now. It was quite lovely.

I went shopping on "Black Friday" 11/26/04, the biggest shopping holiday of the year. It was insane, and no matter how much I love to shop, I should reconsider going out on that day ever again. I got some Lucky jeans (not on sale, of course). I also got a cute belt buckle that says "Rock Star", which I am of course, haha!

I picked Ten from work because she is having car problems, and we watched "Love Actually". I have easily watched that movie 10 times since I bought it. I brought her to her aunt's house afterwards.

I went to a family luncheon on Saturday 11/27/04 and then I went home and did NOTHING but watch DVD's and knit, lol! Please don't call me a spinster, because I'm FAR from it...but I do stitch and bitch.

I watched "Meet Joe Black" that night. That was a difficult movie to watch. It's about a father, played by Anthony Hopkins, who is successful and well loved and is about to meet his demise. But then Death comes in the form of Brad Pitt and wants to take a vacation in human form to find out what it's like, and falls in love with his daughter.

It was just sad and hard to watch...he had 2 daughters, and there was just so many people that cared about him. I cried incessantly.

The next day I watched the Chargers beat the Chiefs, again wishing my father was here to enjoy this winning season...and my mom and I went to get my PT Cruiser afterwards.

We're going to get our plane tickets to Canada today.

I'm tired and work is kind of taking it's toll on my today. Maybe to save my sister some grief, I'll just sleep while they're all there.

Or not.

This is all I have to say for right now, and fill in the rest of the details of my Thanksgiving holiday later:

I HAVE MY PT CRUISER!

Yes, my lovely mum decided to go ahead and purchase my car yesterday. It is the exact color that you see in the font, which is midnight blue.

More later...gotta run!

First off...this:

THE BOLTS HAVE STRUCK DOWN THE RAIDER NATION!!!!

Yes sports fans...does anyone have a broom, because I think the Raiders have been SWEPT by the Chargers. Happiness and joy have resounded across Charger Country and we are tied for first place in the AFC west with Denver.

I actually had a pretty good weekend. I went to a party on Friday night with Toffee (I have renamed Candy Bar to Toffee, sounds a little better, dontcha think?). It was a lot of fun. It was at Lee Ann Kim's house, and she is definitely very spunky in person. We ate sushi, mingled a bit, and sang Karaoke. Good times! I think I get a bathrobe out of the deal, hee hee...but I would have gone no matter what.

Saturday, as you know, I didn't go to the SDSU vs UNLV game. I tried to sell the tickets to my cousin, but he never called back. I also tried to call another one of my friends, but she didn't call back. Oh well. I heard they lost anyway. So I ended up getting new tires for my mom's car, then hung out with Ten the rest of the evening.

First, we watched the first "Bridget Jones' Diary" because Ten needed a refresher. Then she called a friend who had the original Japanese "The Grudge", which was called "Ju-on". We were going to pick up the DVD after watching "Bridged Jones: The Edge Of Reason".

I have to say, I LOVE the Bridget Jones' movies. I absolutely love them. There are a few movies that I can watch more than once, and this is one of them. I'm going to get the second one on DVD for sure, and Colin Firth is my new British boyfriend.

So after dinner at Zarlitos, we went to get the DVD and some ice cream. We settled in and watched "Ju-on".

Ack. AAAAAACCCCCKKKKK! Why did I watch that movie? I'll have to say, it's not the most sophisticated of movies, and I'm sure the American version of "The Grudge" had some better special effects...but that move freaked me the hell out. It taps into those common fears of something in the closet, the attic, crawling at you and popping out of your TV set. Ok, maybe those are MY greatest fears, but dear LORD I didn't get to sleep until 4am...and was frightened out of my wits when the storm hit Sunday morning.

After the movie, Ten and I watched the rest of Bridget Jones (we left during the last 15 minutes to catch the sequel)...and even THAT didn't help me.

UNLV called my voice mail to say he was glad we didn't go to the game since they lost 21-3. I spoke to him afterwards, and we firmed up Thanksgiving plans, and plans for his mom's birthday. I also tried to set some sort of plans forward for his birthday next mornth and bounced around some ideas for New Years. I then spent the morning doing laundry and watched the Chargers masacre the Raiders.

Sweep...swish swish!

I somehow believe that my daddy has been watching over the Chargers this year. I only wish he could be here so enjoy the winning season with me.

I got my mom a cell phone. She's so funny...I called her today and she answered right away. I asked her how she answered it, since I taught her how to lock her phone yesterday, and she said that she just figured out that she could answer the phone without unlocking it.

It was kind of bittersweet for her to own one because she said yesterday that she can't believe she has a cell phone when my dad always carried one around with him and they were always together, so she never needed one until now.

It is becoming more and more difficult to believe that my dad is just never coming back. That this is all not a dream and my poor mom is in misery most of the day when she's not in the company of people.

Ok, I really have to not type things like this from work...

When do you figure out what is and what isn't worth it anymore?

Remember that whole fucked up incident in Las Vegas? Well, I really haven't been thinking about it too much with everything else in my life going on, so I finally decided to email my friend that had the bachelor party so we can make amends and move on.

But rather than just letting things be, he had to get his last jab in there. Instead of just letting accepting the fact that I wrote him, he turns things around and says that he's not mad at ME for taking so long in getting back to HIM about what happened. He said that "despite all the stuff going on" with my family that he's a little hurt it took me THIS LONG to get back to him.

I'm really angry at that. Everything smacks of extreme self centeredness and I just can't deal with that.

Let's see, what STUFF has happened in the last 8 months:

-My father died.
-My mother went to Canada for 2 months. In her absence, I have had to take care of all the bills, life insurance, car insurance, house, death benefits, final mortuary transactions and a great many other things with my sister to keep us afloat.
-My family went through 2 birthdays, a wedding anniversary, at least 4 major holidays and a great many family events without my father.
-My best friend moved to Las Vegas.
-My brother in law cussed me out and moved my sister and him out earlier than expected.
-We created a living trust for my mother and have had meetings with trust management every other week.
-I have become my mother's keeper and have planned everything around her and gladly so.
-My sister and brother in law found a condo and are going to be discussing all the details...after we haven't spoken to him in 2 months.

So yeah...if that's just STUFF that has caused me to just kinda forget about sending an email or correspondence out, then geez, I'M SO FUCKING SORRY.

But really, I'm not.

The people I keep close rarely reprimand me for what's going on right now in my life. My life is UPSIDE DOWN. My life is HECTIC. My life is unbelievably sad and tortured may more times than I let on in person. Why do I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE for anything? I don't give a shit if he's mad at me, and honestly, I don't think I even had to respond to him AT ALL.

If there is anyone that doesn't understand what I'm going through, let me tell you...I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND IT MYSELF. One moment I'm up and happier than happy. Next thing I know, I'll be watching the Chargers play and I'm bawling by myself in my PJ's because I can't believe that my dad can't see what an awesome season they are having.

This is the time of year where my dad would have been at his PRIME. It's an election year. He would have been right there on the frontlines waving signs by freeway exits before he goes into work...just to make sure his voice is heard.

I think of my daddy EVERY SINGLE DAY WITHOUT FAIL. I cry at least every night or dream of him every week in some form.

IF THAT'S JUST STUFF TO YOU, THEN KISS MY ASS.

I'm going to be a Rebel for a day at the end of this week.

I've never gone to a college football game ever in my life. The first one I'm going to is against SDSU, and I'm going to be sitting on the opposing teams side.

How funny is that? Maybe I should wear my UCSD sweatshirt just to confuse people. Only that it wouldn't because UCSD doesn't have a football team anymore.

I had a wonderfully lazy couple of weekends. Last weekend I just shopped and did laundry. This weekend, I had a family party, bought and watched "Bridget Jone's Diary" with UCLA (I'm not sure if I talked about her in my blog yet, but that's what I'll call her), and then I went to my first ever book club meeting last night. We talked about the book for oh...maybe 30 minutes total, haha. But it was nice...a good wine, good dinner, good company.

I finally visited my dad's grave on Friday. I have not been able to get there for one reason or another, but mostly weather.

It was so devastating to go after not having gone for so long. It just reminds me of why I'm in the situation I'm in, and why my family is suffering. I'm generally happy, but there is always this underlying sadness to everything. It looks like I'm going to get my PT Cruiser, but when I think about why I'm able to get it...it's very bittersweet.

I'd trade it ALL to have my daddy back and in our lives again.

Ok...I can't do this right now. I gotta get back to work or else I'll open a floodgate.

Someone asked this question on a message board:

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

Here are my answers, and I left off one because...well, just because...

1. Start my own business

2. Direct & produce my own movie or hit TV show

3. Start my own band

4. Learn 10 languages

5. Bring Depeche Mode back together

6. On that note...create "Cy-palooza" as a 2 day festival featuring The Push Stars, Guster, John Mayer, Depeche Mode, Jamie Cullum, Harry Connick Jr., and Duran Duran (as a jumping off list...)

7. ??

Last night...I did a CRAZY treck all the way to West Hollywood to work the merch table for The Push Stars! Yeah, I KNOW, right?

I worked 6-3pm at work, then hopped on the freeway at 330pm and didn't get to LA until about 7pm and finally to The Trubadour at almost 730pm.

The show was sooooo good! I'm such a fan of their music, and they sang all the one's I wanted to hear. Afterwards, I met the manager and then I got to finally meet the lead singer, Chris Tepper. I got him to sign my set list from the San Diego show...and I got to talk to Dan the bassist again. Actually, I got to chat with Ryan's (the drummer) girlfriend, too. The keyboardist is Scott who I was in touch with throughout the evening.

Chris was really interested in knowing how I found out about their music, and I told him it was from a CD now compilation from Pizza Hut! I said I bought "After The Party" (their first official studio major label release) after that and the rest is history. The band really thanked me for coming all that way and gave me a free shirt.

I also met a band called Let's Go Sailing. They're kinda on the lines of indie-pop Cranberries. I enjoyed their sound and even moreso their merch because it's really cute. I bought UNLV a shirt because it's 2 people on it and the girl is asking "Let's Go Sailing" and the guy says "Okay!" I had to get it for him, lol!

The last band was called Les Sans Culottes, and were a funky 70's type edgy rock mix thing. It was a bright and loud show, but pretty good.

The drive home was trecherous...I was basically sleeping with my eyes opened and almost swerved into the middle divider at one point. That was the only time I had a problem, and that was when I was almost home. At 230am, I hit the pillow sleeping.

Ok...more later, if not...Monday.

I have no voice. Dear LORD, I've lost my voice...*sigh*

I didn't talk much about Halloween weekend, did I? Don't think I partied THAT hard in Vegas this weekend, because I didn't. UNLV and I had his mom as company, so we had to tone down our weekend. But we still had a great weekend regardless.

Friday
October 29

My flight was delayed 1 hour...so I got to Vegas at about 1115pm or something ridiculous like that. UNLV and I went to a late night dinner and just called it a night.

Saturday
October 30

We had a quickie breakfast because UNLV's mom was coming to spend the weekend. Not what we planned, but we made it work. His mom had bought a condo at the new MGM Towers, which are the first condos tied to a hotel out in Vegas. It's absolutely BEAUTIFUL! She bought the studio, which looks like a fancy upgraded hotel room. It's turn-key, so even if you are living there or renting it out, they will take care of EVERYTHING as if you were staying at the MGM hotel...which includes towels, sheets...EVERYTHING! And when you want to rent it, they can find people for you...and if you want to let them know you'll be coming into town, they will not rent it out for the time you are there. I treated us to lunch at Rainforest Cafe and then we went to an awesome new outlet and did some shopping. I spent only about $100, which really shocked me...but it's ok.

We ate a light dinner at Sonic (yes...the cool little burger joint where people bring food to you at the parking spaces). We then went to Studio 54, which was called "Nightmare on 54th Street". UNLV's realtor for their condo got us VIP on the guest list. It was fun...but UNLV didn't want to dance, so his mom and I just danced a little bit. We had such a long day that we called it a night at about 130am.

Sunday
October 31

So...we went to breakfast at Caesar's, which was spectacular. I've never had their buffet brunch, but I think I will now! Everything was made to order and so fresh. They also had a pianist and bass player as entertainment, and I requested "Paper Moon"...the pianist didn't know, but was able to improvise with the help of the bassist. It sounded great!

After a lazy afternoon of football watching for me, homework for UNLV, and financial paperwork for his mom, UNLV got a hook up for dinner at Picasso at The Belagio. We decided that we just couldn't do anything outrageous for Halloween, since I had to go to work and he had an exam.

So...I wanted to wear my costume because I wasn't going to have another opportunity to wear it that night...and I could dress it down to look like a really fance "little black dress" if I had to. We went shopping a little at the shops in Belagio and then to dinner.

It was like Rosemary's, but much more upscale...but the royal treatment was the same. It was $100 per person, but UNLV's friend knew we were coming and we got all our wine (unlimited red and white), sparkling waters, coffee, teas and desserts for FREE. It was quite a nice experience.

Then it was off to bed for all of us. UNLV got a few phone calls from friends who had hooked us up with parties that night...one of them VIP at Aladin...but we just couldn't do it. He apologized to me for not being able to party and that he would make up for it the next time I was out there. I told him it was fine...the fancy hotel was very very nice and I didn't mind a mellow evening.

Honestly, it wasn't even THAT crazy in Vegas. When we got out of Picasso's, it was 1030pm, and there was almost no traffic. I was really surprised. It was entirely too crazy during New Years...so that's what I thought this would be...but not at all.

I had to wake up at 4am and UNLV's mom drove me to the airport so he could sleep more for his exam.

Crazy travel, but sedate weekend.

Front page of MSNBC this morning:

BUSH WINS
Kerry calls president to concede 2004 election

It's wartime, and America is being very conservative. I didn't like the outcome, but I'm not suprised.

Had Kerry been more charismatic, like Clinton, it would have been a different election. Too bad Clinton can't run again.

I'm writing in Jon Stewart next election.

GO VOTE!

I will be voting today. For who, you ask? Kerry.

To quote "The Daily Show":

"And on a serious note -- please get out and vote. Nothing's more embarrassing than a large democracy ruled by the cruel, fickle and trembling hand of a few senior citizens in South Florida."