any second now...

OH! My friend had her baby. I think I called her Gidget somewhere way back. It's a boy and he is about 7 pounds and 20 inches. I can't wait to see him!

Why do I let my fears get the best of me?

I was overwhelmed this weekend. I was overcome. I felt lost and out of sorts. I haven't felt that way in a long time. It's all catching up to me.

I went to lunch with my neighbor across the street. It was very good to talk to her...we've lived across the street from each other for the better part of 30 years, and she always seems to understand me, and I her. We're both first born children, so much of our experiences are similar. But she has had it harder, and she has been through a lot.

I went out Saturday night, just to go out to a friend's birthday, actually 2 friends. It was like a frat party...or what I imagine a "mild mannered" one would be like. But it was mindless, and I knew the people there...so I had a good time. I needed that kind of atmosphere. I took over the radio with my iPod because one of the birthday girls wanted to sing her favorite Karaoke song "All By Myself" and I happened to have it. Then it was subjecting everyone to my taste in music, for which I actually got complimented on...yay me!

I walk in to the party, hug everyone...get my usual Kamikaze...then my friend quickly makes me get another drink where I have to do it at the "Booze Luge".

Mind you, I have NEVER done any keg stands or had any drinks funnelled down my throat. I never did one of those crazy Tequilla poppers in Tiajuana. The craziest thing I ever did drinkwise was some insane drink at a night club in Vancouver, Canada called "The Cadillac" and I think it was so insane that I don't even remember what happened. I think I recall that you start it off with shooting it with the bartender, then you shoot another part of it that's lit on fire, and it ends with this LARGE drink at the end...I think. I also partically remember having to be carried out of that club that night.

So anyway...the "Booze Luge". It's basically a LARGE carved block of ice with 2 curved "tracks". It's on a stand and tilted. You sit with your mouth at the bottom of the track, next to someone you are "racing" against. Someone at the top pours your drink down the track and you drink. "Just remember to keep swallowing!!" is what they told me.

I swear, if you heard ANY of the conversation at that "Booze Luge" out of context, it sounds like everyone cheering on a blow job.

Yeah. I think I had 2 more drinks the rest of the night and ate Manwich with Velveeta salsa with tortilla chips. I paid for it DEARLY yesterday. I had a slight hangover, but that wasn't so bad. It was the hourly bathroom visits. NEVER AGAIN.

Sunday was tame. My mom came home from staying with my other aunt and then they decided to go to LA. I went shopping for a bit, then came home and vegged to HGTV and E!'s True Hollywood Stories about Laci Peterson and Amber Fry.

The construction is stalled again. I really with my friend would just not make promises he can't keep. He says "I'll be there at 3pm" and then doesn't show up. I text message him because I'm trying to save him from my mom's wrath, and he says "sorry...had to go somewhere, I'll be there later tonight" and STILL doesn't show up.

We hear he's working on another project. My mom said to him a couple of weeks ago that if he has something he's working on, to work on it and come back at the end of July so he can devote the rest of his time to us. He said that he didn't need to do that and that we were is priority. As a thank you, my mom got him an iPod, iTrip and car adapter because she knows we're getting a good deal on the price of the work. He said that he would work to get everything done by August.

So we rented a dumpster last Thursday, with the impression that he was going to work all weekend so that we can make the most of it when it goes back Thursday morning. My mom did a lot of the landscape cleanup...and he did a lot of work, too. Then my mom get's news that he DEFINITELY is working on another project.

Why oh WHY would you do that? Why tell us one thing, and do the EXACT thing we knew you were doing, but lied about? I tried to explain to him that the WORST thing you can do as a contractor is to over-promise and under-deliver. He says that he knows...but he still keeps doing it.

I NEED A VACATION!!!!

Things are much better on the homefront. My mom called to apologize to me later that day. She was so sad about it, and I know she didn't mean what she said...but when it happens, it feels horrible.

Life has leveled off a little. I think UNLV and I have come to an understanding, and that's all I care to say about it.

There is a LARGE dumpster on my driveway. We are now getting into the family room, the master bedroom, my room and the 2 bathrooms. The carpet has all been taken up in the family room and it looks like our China cabinet has thrown up all over my beautiful kitchen. All the couches in my Great Room (ie living room) are covered in blankets, and I HATE IT! But I have to endure it for this next phase of construction.

I'm designing the landscaping for the front yard, and I'm taking lessons from all the shows I've been watching on HGTV. I have some great ideas, which will involve little caring for plants because I dont want to try to hard to care for anything, and I know my mom doesn't either.

My friends are THE BEST. I needed to feel needed this week, and I had a few people call me for advise...which made me feel very needed. I just have felt so helpless lately, that it does wonders for me when my friends still turn to me.

Did I mention I bought "Trauma", a thriller starring Colin Firth? Did I mention that I don't like it...but that I'm going to watch it again tonight to make sure that it's just that I didn't understand it and that it's not a bad movie. It was very convoluted and a little haphazard in it's execution. I had a diffcult time understanding why certain events happened, then suddenly turned on a dime. I know my explanation was confusing, too...but that explains just how strange the timeline of the movie was.

Doesn't matter in the long run...Colin Firth was very HOTT in the movie. God I love him.

Here's my newest playlist on my iPod...I'm quite digging it. I put it on shuffle to give me a nice little surprise whenever I listen to it. Since I like everysong, it's cool so see how iPod will change it up this time.

Hold it Now, Hit It - Beastie Boys
Like I Love You - Justin Timberlake
Fill Me In - Craig David
I'm Every Woman - Chakka Kahn
People Are People - Depeche Mode
Hungry Like The Wolf - Duran Duran
Never Let Them See You Sweat - Go West
Faded - Soul Decision
Inner Smile - Texas
I Wish - Victoria Beckham (Post Spice)
It's Raining Men - Geri Hallowell remake
Mrs. Right - NKOTB
They - Jem
Cold Beverage - G Love & Special Sauce
Frontin' - Jamie Cullum remake
No Such Thing - John Mayer
Give it To You - Jordan Knight
Senorita - Justin Timberlake
Toxic - Brittney Spears
One Thing Leads to Another - The Fixx
Is It Real - Pinay
Perfect Way - Scritti Politti
Harder to Breathe - Maroon 5
Monkey - George Michael
Hit Music - Pet Shop Boys

OK...gotta run, lunch is almost done.

My mom needs to stop picking fights with me right before I go to work. She is off of work because the school year is over, which means she is at home all day, everyday. She is sorting through a lot of the stuff in the family room so that we can empty the room when the carpeting is pulled up and the flooring goes in for my old room and the family room. But first, my bathroom and master bedroom are being done so that I can move all my things in there.

So this morning, she started grabbing things that needed to be sorted. She grabbed a bin of my clothes and stated that she is going to give the entire thing away. I had not been able to sort through them yet. So I said to wait because I didn't get a chance to sort through it. She said that I have had many chances to start sorting, but that I'm not doing anything to help in the house. She started yelling, and I implored her to STOP picking fights with me in the morning because it sets the tone for my entire day.

My mom, in the heat of anger....started to tell me that I don't do a damned thing, that I'm lazy, and that I suck. So I said that's nice to hear...everyone tells me what a great daughter I am for staying with my mom and sacrificing my life to make sure she's ok...and I SUCK?!

I don't want to go home tonight. But I have no choice. Although part of me just doesn't want to go home so that she can see what it is that I do in order to make sure she's ok...I can't do that because she's my mom.

I feel trapped. I feel suffocated.

Taurus

Unlike Superman, you may not be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. You might have to settle for using the elevators or the stairs. Small steps and concrete actions are what the situation calls for right now rather than dramatic actions. In the end, though, the method doesn't matter -- what counts is that the end result is the same. So being faster than a speeding bullet really doesn't count for much as long as you end up where you need to be.

I really needed to read that. I think I keep trying to make sweeping changes in my life, knowing that I can't handle the dramatic difference between what was, and what is now. The abrupt loss of my father has taken me a year to realize the ramifications on my life.

I didn't realize a lot that I pushed aside, and my horoscope for today really brings it home. I keep trying to speed up the recovery process, and it's not an overnight thing.

This weekend was pretty good...but still altogether very difficult. Friday, I went to my dad's grave and sat there and cried. When I left, I got in my car and cried again...then I went shopping because I didn't want to cry anymore. But I came home, and looked at pictures of my dad. I didn't do that before because I was afraid to really REALLY deal with my father's death.

Saturday, I went to a baptism...then more shopping with my mom and then off to the reception for the baptism. I then went out with Toffee and his friends and had a good time. I DID however get hit on at a gay night club. I've NEVER gotten hit on before, but I definitely did on Saturday night. I just wanted to dance, drink and have fun without all that mess. Deperate hetero guys who go do gay clubs to hit on women are PATHETIC.

Sunday was Father's Day. I slept until about 1pm. Actually, I woke up at 9am, then napped until 1pm. I was not wanting to actually go out, but my mom wanted to go to a family picnic...which surprised me because I didn't think she would actually want to attend something like that. Last year, we were in Canada during Father's Day. I think that was easier because it was in an unfamiliar place.

I've figured out that I've been avoiding a lot of dealing with my father's death. I have been just getting through and doing other things to distract myself. It has ALL gotten to me...living with my mom, going through construction, the unresloved issue with my brother in law, and other quite personal things that have happened.

I have been taking it out on UNLV mostly...because he was the source of my escape last year. Now that he's so busy, it's hard to understand and hard to deal with myself.

I have to actually deal with ME. I'm always in my own head, but with other things. I'm scared to think about how scared I am. The prospect that this is actually my life is hard to deal with. Last year, I just was looking forward to the next month. I was living month to month and how I could get away from San Diego. I was in Canada 3 times, and in Vegas 6 times.

Oh God...this is my life. The reality is sinking in. I can't sit idle on the couch and just watch it being eaten up by time. I have to save money for a computer, I have to finish organizing my room and my house.

I'm very very sad right now. I was happy for the most part, and I know I am generally...but realizations mount and I'm frightened about the prospects of an uncertain future. Before, the uncertainty was exciting, but now it's scary.

My dad really never is coming back.

I had a whole thing written for some silly random thoughts, but I thought I would take the time to have a memorium for my friend Kimberly's father who passed this morning at 4am of stomach cancer. She is a co-worker turned friend, and came to the hospital with another co-worker last year when my father died, and I wish I could do the same for her, but she is in Portland, Oregon.

My heart aches for her and I am praying for her family to get through this tragic time...and even sadder still is that it's right before Father's Day.

"May the souls of all the faithful departed through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen"

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

I can't BELIEVE I missed John Mayer at the David Ryan Harris concert last Friday night.

I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE GONE.

Much too much going on.

Am still having trouble with UNLV. Not sure what to think, not sure what to do. Think I will leave it alone for now. He is going through a lot, and I think he needs space. All I can do is be here for him...

Anyway...LOOK AT THIS:

DEPECHE MODE WILL BE TOURING AT THE END OF THIS YEAR

http://www.depechemode.com/tour/index.html

In addition, Depeche Mode will be playing the following North American cities during October, November and December of 2005:
Fort Lauderdale
Tampa / St Pete
Atlanta
Houston
Dallas
San Antonio
Denver
Salt Lake City
Vancouver
Seattle
San Francisco
San Diego
Los Angeles
Las Vegas
Phoenix
Chicago
Detroit
Toronto
Montreal
Washington, D.C.
New York
Boston

Yes, my Depeche Mode challenged friends...The Mode has made SAN DIEGO one of it's main stops on the North American tour. After all the crap I've been through, the music gods have decided to bring a little sunshine into my sad little life. It's like I stepped back into the 80's or something...Duran Duran, U2, The Cure and now Depeche Mode...all touring. Whoa.

Recent purchases:

John Mayer dual disc for "Room For Squares"
Apparently there's some must own documentary. So I went and owned.

Trauma - Starring Colin Firth
Yes, as a friend once said, it's my version of porn. It should be arriving this weekend.

Check out my horoscope for today...sooooo fucking spot on:

Taurus

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
Are you and a certain someone acting more like the Bickersons? Whether it's a friend, roommate or the love of your life, relations with someone close to you might have a certain powder-keg type vibe right about now. Well, that's easy enough to defuse. The trick to solving this little problem is to take your egos out of the equation and focus on what really needs to be solved. Once you can do that, the solution will reveal itself almost as if by magic.

WARNING: Extreme random blog entry approaching. Proceed with caution.

Sick. I hate being sick.

I think I'm catching what everyone has had. My head hurts and my asthma is acting up. Blech.

Forgot to mention that one of my good family friends came down a couple of weekends ago from Washington DC and we got a chance to catch up. He got to see the new remodel.

I love showing my house off, lol.

GOT COLDPLAY TICKETS! Actually went IN LINE to get them, instead of going ONLINE. Going to see them with a co-worker at Coors. We got EXCELLENT seats, but damn were they expensive. I need to beef up my collection and put it on continuous play until August 28. Went shopping with mom AGAIN, lol...then went to dance practice. The rest of extended family now knows about my sister's baby. Awww...hee hee!

Went out with my business partner and the art designers on Saturday night. Great dinner at Old Town, and got a lot accomplished. Now that she is permanent at my company, she is feeling more relaxed and can focus. I'm pretty excited about it.

Then we went to a dive bar called Honey Bee. It was some house/techno night which ended up being "geek's night out." Dj's on their Apples "spinning" house music. The reason I say it was "geek's night out" was because there was 2 rooms, and the other room had posters of old synthesizers on the walls and each booth was equipped with Sony Playstation controllers so that you can play vintage video games on the large screen above the DJ. I have NEVER seen that before at any club, no matter what country or state. I have partied in NYC, Seattle, Vancouver, Toronto, Vegas, and of course Cali...and NEVER have I seen that. It was very strange, and it wasn't all that fun so we left.

Sunday, did nothing except pick up mom from the casino and did my yoga. Talked to Toffee and Ten.

Am getting VERY anxious. I usually have something tentatively planned with UNLV, and since I didn't go to Havasu, there's nothing planned really. It's just a matter of scheduling a time to get together, but that's hard with his summer school schedule. He said that his summer school schedule is very intense, and that his regular school schedule will be better and it will be easier to schedule trips down here since he will have his Friday's off again. He goes to school everyday right now.

Back to work...

Things are better, but still insane. Visited my father's grave on Memorial Day and again, I am very much humbled.

Ended up in major discussion with UNLV and things are smoothed over. It really is tough having a close friendship such as ours, and have it long distance. So he went to Havasu, and I helped my mom complete the living room. It's times like that when we both realize how much we really care about each other, and sometimes its easy to misplace that love for each other. We have had a rocky friendship, and we are finally making it stable by going through what we go through. It's hard to see it, but it's there.

By the by...the house is FABULOUS.

I am in love with my house. We still have lots of elements of when my dad was alive, but it's so nice how differently it's arranged. I know my mom feels better about it, because it was just so hard for her to walk in the same places that my dad did and not have memories flood over her.

Over all, my mom is worried that people will wonder why she so drastically changed the house. I explained that she need not worry about what other people think. We live there, we have decided to re-invest in our home, and we need to be comfortable in our home. We have not forgotten our father or her husband, and are paying homage to him with the new remodel. He is forever in our hearts and the love we have for him is reflected in the way the new place is decorated.

The living room (which I affectionately refer to as "The Great Room" as if our house was thousands of square feet with dozens of rooms) is like a catalog, yet is very cozy. I have created it as a space where it looks like the person who lives there is well travelled and well read. Since my dad did travel while in the Navy, there are lots of things from all over the world. Before, it was more functional and practical, rather than a room for reflection and comfort. Now, it is a very cozy showcase. I feel it's very inviting, yet beautiful.

You know those great rooms where the furniture is so Victorian and too pretty to want to disturb...I didn't want that room to be like that. I wanted it to look warm and inviting, yet grand visually stunning.

My mom and I have to live in the house for the rest of our lives. The way the house was before just broke my heart. I could picture where my dad used to sit in the living room when I would come home to visit. I could picture the computer and the piano and see my dad sitting there watching wrestling, or a westernm, or the news. I picture him in his maroon sweatsuit, and I would say "Hi dad!" and he would say hi, I'd kiss him hello and go to the family room to sit with my mom. My dad would either stay there or come hang out, too and we'd talk the way we would always talk.

Even now, I find it hard to type about it because the memory is so vivid. The memory is strong and if I had to continue to live like that, I don't think my mother and I could do it.

The kitchen is so different from the living room. The kitchen is very functional. It's lighter, brighter and very roomy. It's very industrial looking, and very "Ikea" where the living room is more "Pottery Barn" or "Restoration Hardware". We've got some very retro looking appliances and decorations. It's a perfect meld of our tastes.

My mom has definitely allowed me to have my say so, but I was very surprised at how much her taste as evolved. She has come home with bits and pieces that have matched very well with what I had in mind. We can go shopping and I'll bring up an idea, and she'll love it.

The only problem is that our house is not baby or kid proof...which will pose a problem

OH...have I not mentioned the good news? I don't think I have...but I'm sure a lot of you already know.

My sister is pregnant, and I'm going to be an AUNTIE!

If only my dad were alive to share in the joy, but I know he is smiling wherever he is.