any second now...

I worry,
I weigh three times my body
I worry,
I throw my fear around
But this morning, is a calm I can't explain
Rock candy's melted only diamonds now remain

By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light pretending
That it somehow lingered on

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
That it won't and it won't because it can't
It just can't
(It's not supposed to...)

(Clarity by John Mayer)

I'm so extremely distracted today. I can't concentrate because I've got so much on my mind.

I can't believe I'm already taking my mom to Canada. I'm really torn between missing my mother and knowing this is best for all of us for right now. When she returns, she'll have had some space and time, and so will we.

I really hate all this change. I hate missing my father so much because I always feel heartbroken. I try not to let it show, and I think I'm doing a good job of it. But it's hard, it really is.

I love to knit. It's been a hobby for me lately, and I'm knitting scarves for all of my friends. When we were in the waiting room while my dad was in surgery, I was knitting. When we were waiting for the news on his condition, I brought my knitting then, too. So sometimes, when I'm siting at home after getting some work done, or after a workout and I'm knitting, I'll remember my dad.

Then, I'll hear a song, or watch something on TV. I'll see a date and think "Wow...I was in high school when that came out...what a long time ago" and right when I'm starting to feel a little sentimental about the nostalgia of the moment, I'll remember that my father was alive at that time and the whimsical feeling will suddenly become so tragically sad.

I can't help it. It suddenly hit me that he's really really gone. His loss permeates everything in my life. It's in everything I think about and everything I do. Right now, it's so real that it's TOO real. It has finally started to really hurt.

I think that's why I'm so preoccupied by simple events and what may seem like trivial things.

I'm working out again and watching what I eat because it gives me a sense of empowerment.
I'm getting a tattoo.
I love to get my nails done, both mani and pedi.
I love ice-cream and vanilla yogurt.
Pink is still my signature color.

I take one day at at time, one week at a time because that's all I can handle. If I think too far in advance, I get lost in all of the minutia and clutter in my head. I know I have 2 more trips planned for the end of July and the end of August, but other than those 2 things, everything else is as clear as mud.

I need some clarity...