Tuesday, May 25, 2004
It's been a little while since I've written in here. My schedule has been so hectic since I've been trying to move and helping my friend and his mother move.
I think I miss my dad more and more because it's now really hitting home. It will be 3 months on June 7, and I am definitely living from day to day. The only way I even survive is getting from one weekend to the next. I think that's why I feel so busy, because I'm trying to plan for the next week.
We took assessment tests last week, and I have discovered a significant change in how I look at everything. I think I used to be more worried about things. I believe that I was always wanting to be innovative and needing much change. The tests that I took last week show that my priorities have shifted. I am looking more my own personal security and the security of my family rather than the immedicacy of change and the things that affect my externally.
I know that sounds confusing, but I took a test called "Career Anchors". These are the types of career anchors:
Technical/Functional
General Mangement
Autonomy/Independence
Security/Stability
Entrepreneurial
Service/Dedication to a Cause
Pure Challenge
Lifestyle
I ended up being "Security/Stability" and "Lifestyle". I really belive that a year ago, I would have been Entrepreneurial or Autonomy. I was always up for change, always up for a challenge. Suddenly, my family and security and how my work will fit in with my lifestyle are most important.
We took another test called "I-Speak". Here are the catgories for that assessment:
Intuitive
Thinker
Sensor
Feeler
In normal working situations, I am more the "Intuitive" type style, where in stressful situations, I become a "Feeler". I guess it was assessed that I look at "the big picture" in my job, then when stressed, I want to make sure everyone is feeling ok.
For the most part, these tests were in line with my general outlook, but I guess I'm not as worried or wrestless as I used to be. I really think I'm more laid back and things just kinda roll off my back. I guess I thought I was a sensor...which is the "Just Do It" people. Do what you can now, worry about it later.
Everything that has to do with my father's passing has changed. Not that my core being has changed...I'm stil the same person. But my outlook on life has. Things that used to set me off last year...or even earlier this year just don't matter to me. I feel like my friendships with people have strengthened. I feel like the things that used to worry me externally are so silly now. But there was no other way for me to learn, right?
I miss my father deeply. I think about the fact that he's not on some weird vacation...he's just not coming back. He's not on deployment, he's not on a business related trip...he's never coming back.
The reality of that is what keeps me more mellow. I'm stressed from moving and doing too many projects...but my outlook has softened. Immediacy and urgency are no longer commonplace.
Ok, damnit...I didn't mean to start crying here at work. I better stop typing for a little bit...
I think I miss my dad more and more because it's now really hitting home. It will be 3 months on June 7, and I am definitely living from day to day. The only way I even survive is getting from one weekend to the next. I think that's why I feel so busy, because I'm trying to plan for the next week.
We took assessment tests last week, and I have discovered a significant change in how I look at everything. I think I used to be more worried about things. I believe that I was always wanting to be innovative and needing much change. The tests that I took last week show that my priorities have shifted. I am looking more my own personal security and the security of my family rather than the immedicacy of change and the things that affect my externally.
I know that sounds confusing, but I took a test called "Career Anchors". These are the types of career anchors:
Technical/Functional
General Mangement
Autonomy/Independence
Security/Stability
Entrepreneurial
Service/Dedication to a Cause
Pure Challenge
Lifestyle
I ended up being "Security/Stability" and "Lifestyle". I really belive that a year ago, I would have been Entrepreneurial or Autonomy. I was always up for change, always up for a challenge. Suddenly, my family and security and how my work will fit in with my lifestyle are most important.
We took another test called "I-Speak". Here are the catgories for that assessment:
Intuitive
Thinker
Sensor
Feeler
In normal working situations, I am more the "Intuitive" type style, where in stressful situations, I become a "Feeler". I guess it was assessed that I look at "the big picture" in my job, then when stressed, I want to make sure everyone is feeling ok.
For the most part, these tests were in line with my general outlook, but I guess I'm not as worried or wrestless as I used to be. I really think I'm more laid back and things just kinda roll off my back. I guess I thought I was a sensor...which is the "Just Do It" people. Do what you can now, worry about it later.
Everything that has to do with my father's passing has changed. Not that my core being has changed...I'm stil the same person. But my outlook on life has. Things that used to set me off last year...or even earlier this year just don't matter to me. I feel like my friendships with people have strengthened. I feel like the things that used to worry me externally are so silly now. But there was no other way for me to learn, right?
I miss my father deeply. I think about the fact that he's not on some weird vacation...he's just not coming back. He's not on deployment, he's not on a business related trip...he's never coming back.
The reality of that is what keeps me more mellow. I'm stressed from moving and doing too many projects...but my outlook has softened. Immediacy and urgency are no longer commonplace.
Ok, damnit...I didn't mean to start crying here at work. I better stop typing for a little bit...
Friday, May 21, 2004
I forgot to mention that our last session with the councelor was on Monday 5/17/04. It was a good session...but I noticed that we don't talk much about it after we leave it. We let everything out while we're there, but then we don't discuss how we felt about it afterwards in the car on the way home.
Funny that...
Well, I've paid off all my outstanding bills, with much to spare. It's just SO strange because my daddy has helped me out yet again, and he's not even here.
OH, I'm getting a tattoo, believe it or not! I was talking about tattoos with my friend (Disneyland boy), and he suggested I get one in commemoration of my dad. I thought that was an AWESOME idea.
It's going to be the Chief Petty Officer fouled anchor (which was my father's rank when he retired). The insignia says "USN", but I'm going to replace the USN with my dad's initials, RAG. I'm going to have it placed on the small of my back, fairly low, so that the only way anyone can see it is if I were wearing low slung jeans or pants and a move revealling top.
I've always wanted a tattoo, but have never been brave enough to get one. But since my friend will be with me, and it's meaningful, I don't mind at all.
I'm sure my dad is looking down, thinking "Whoa...my daughter is getting a TATTOO?! She would have never done that if I were around!"
Maybe, maybe not. But I am now. :)
Funny that...
Well, I've paid off all my outstanding bills, with much to spare. It's just SO strange because my daddy has helped me out yet again, and he's not even here.
OH, I'm getting a tattoo, believe it or not! I was talking about tattoos with my friend (Disneyland boy), and he suggested I get one in commemoration of my dad. I thought that was an AWESOME idea.
It's going to be the Chief Petty Officer fouled anchor (which was my father's rank when he retired). The insignia says "USN", but I'm going to replace the USN with my dad's initials, RAG. I'm going to have it placed on the small of my back, fairly low, so that the only way anyone can see it is if I were wearing low slung jeans or pants and a move revealling top.
I've always wanted a tattoo, but have never been brave enough to get one. But since my friend will be with me, and it's meaningful, I don't mind at all.
I'm sure my dad is looking down, thinking "Whoa...my daughter is getting a TATTOO?! She would have never done that if I were around!"
Maybe, maybe not. But I am now. :)
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
I just got a call that my share of my dad's life insurance came in today.
I felt a little excited...then quickly thwarted that feeling because I looked up and saw the little memorial card from my dad's funeral that's pinned up at my desk. I saw that card and my heart sank.
The money coming in will be much needed, but at what cost? And I know I've told my mom that dad left that money for us to be taken care of, but now that I have it, it scares me to have it.
My sister didn't open her envelope for a few days. I'm not sure what to do. I know I need to deposit it...but it's scary.
Thank you daddy for making sure your family was well taken care of.
I felt a little excited...then quickly thwarted that feeling because I looked up and saw the little memorial card from my dad's funeral that's pinned up at my desk. I saw that card and my heart sank.
The money coming in will be much needed, but at what cost? And I know I've told my mom that dad left that money for us to be taken care of, but now that I have it, it scares me to have it.
My sister didn't open her envelope for a few days. I'm not sure what to do. I know I need to deposit it...but it's scary.
Thank you daddy for making sure your family was well taken care of.
Monday, May 17, 2004
I had a great weekend. A bunch of friends went to a club called Decos in Downtown San Diego and celebrated birthdays with another friend of mine (she was born May 10 and I was May 8, but I'm 6 years older). It was a blast. Drinking and dancing with good friends is always a good time. Then some of us went to eat afterwards.
Saturday, the birthday girls went for massages...my treat, and it was GOOD. I had a back and neck massage, and she had a full body Sweedish one. Afterwards, we went to dinner at Cheesecake Factory.
Sunday, I did NOTHING but sit on my butt and watch TV all day. I watched "Love Actually". What a CUTE movie! I love British accents...*sigh*
But I did cry a lot this weekend. I went back to the condo I used to live in and found a poetry book my mom and dad bought me. I read the dedication my dad wrote on behalf of himself and my mom. It was so touching...he said that they're not getting any younger and that he wanted to let me know that they both loved me, even though it goes mostly unexpressed.
I cried for about 15 minutes straight.
I am missing my dad a lot right now. It's all hitting me because I'll be brining my mom to Canada next month to stay with my dad's sister for 2.5 months. The reality of not having both my parents around will be strange, even though I was living in a condo away from them at the beginning of this year.
It's so different when you move away, and you know that your parents are still there...rather than one or both passing away, and knowing that one is not there. At least when you're moved out, you know you can call and say hi, or go visit. I can't talk to my dad ever again.
I just put a picture of my dad, mom and me in my purse. It was when I graduated college. That was 11 years ago. I had no idea when I was 23 that I wouldn't see my dad after 34. I had this idea that my dad was invincible...like a superhero...
I stil have that idea...
Saturday, the birthday girls went for massages...my treat, and it was GOOD. I had a back and neck massage, and she had a full body Sweedish one. Afterwards, we went to dinner at Cheesecake Factory.
Sunday, I did NOTHING but sit on my butt and watch TV all day. I watched "Love Actually". What a CUTE movie! I love British accents...*sigh*
But I did cry a lot this weekend. I went back to the condo I used to live in and found a poetry book my mom and dad bought me. I read the dedication my dad wrote on behalf of himself and my mom. It was so touching...he said that they're not getting any younger and that he wanted to let me know that they both loved me, even though it goes mostly unexpressed.
I cried for about 15 minutes straight.
I am missing my dad a lot right now. It's all hitting me because I'll be brining my mom to Canada next month to stay with my dad's sister for 2.5 months. The reality of not having both my parents around will be strange, even though I was living in a condo away from them at the beginning of this year.
It's so different when you move away, and you know that your parents are still there...rather than one or both passing away, and knowing that one is not there. At least when you're moved out, you know you can call and say hi, or go visit. I can't talk to my dad ever again.
I just put a picture of my dad, mom and me in my purse. It was when I graduated college. That was 11 years ago. I had no idea when I was 23 that I wouldn't see my dad after 34. I had this idea that my dad was invincible...like a superhero...
I stil have that idea...
Thursday, May 13, 2004
I feel so strange. I just got word that the life insurance policy that my dad set up for my mom, sister and myself has just been sent. The only thing I was worried about before was that I filed everything correctly...so I was checking because my mom and sister received their claim letters, and mine was late.
Now that it's confirmed...I'm so sad.
No amount of money I receive will ever make me miss my father any less. I would rather have him than anything in the world.
I'm gonna buy "Big Fish" and watch it again.
Thank you Daddy...for everything...
Now that it's confirmed...I'm so sad.
No amount of money I receive will ever make me miss my father any less. I would rather have him than anything in the world.
I'm gonna buy "Big Fish" and watch it again.
Thank you Daddy...for everything...
Monday, May 10, 2004
Disneyland was a BLAST on Friday! The friend that took me there is absolutely someone who has proven to be one of my dearest friends. Getting through these series of firsts has been made easier by him, and I hope he realizes just how special he is to me.
It's fun at Disneyland for a birthday because you get to wear a sticker that they give you when you leave the parking structure. Throughout the day, the park employees have to wish you a happy birthday. It's nice if you like attention, which I do *wink*!
Going to "the happiest place on earth" eased the realization that this is the first birthday without my father. The next day we went to Lancaster/Palmdale, but my sister and I visited my father's gave before we drove up. That was so difficult because I can't imagine a year without my father, and there I was experiencing it. I also received many emails and phone calls, so thank you all for calling or writing. I wanted to wait until the weekend was over to allow people to continue their mother's day celebrations.
For mother's day, we went to my aunt's house in Arcadia. It's a beautiful new custom built house, and my cousin bought a baby grand piano for the foyer (this house has FOYER), so I played it. When I was leafing through the piano bench, I saw a piano piece for the song "For The Good Times" written by Kris Kristofferson. My mom has told me on more than one occasion that his is one of my fathter's favorite songs. How ironic that we found it.
I played it, and my mom sang. My sister came over to join us, and it was so very bittersweet. We all cried quietly, and my mom kissed me to thank me for playing it for her on mother's day.
Weekends like this are nice, because it just shows that I am surrounded by such love and caring. I am so thankful for everyone around me, and it touches my heart.
I know my dad is smiling right now...
It's fun at Disneyland for a birthday because you get to wear a sticker that they give you when you leave the parking structure. Throughout the day, the park employees have to wish you a happy birthday. It's nice if you like attention, which I do *wink*!
Going to "the happiest place on earth" eased the realization that this is the first birthday without my father. The next day we went to Lancaster/Palmdale, but my sister and I visited my father's gave before we drove up. That was so difficult because I can't imagine a year without my father, and there I was experiencing it. I also received many emails and phone calls, so thank you all for calling or writing. I wanted to wait until the weekend was over to allow people to continue their mother's day celebrations.
For mother's day, we went to my aunt's house in Arcadia. It's a beautiful new custom built house, and my cousin bought a baby grand piano for the foyer (this house has FOYER), so I played it. When I was leafing through the piano bench, I saw a piano piece for the song "For The Good Times" written by Kris Kristofferson. My mom has told me on more than one occasion that his is one of my fathter's favorite songs. How ironic that we found it.
I played it, and my mom sang. My sister came over to join us, and it was so very bittersweet. We all cried quietly, and my mom kissed me to thank me for playing it for her on mother's day.
Weekends like this are nice, because it just shows that I am surrounded by such love and caring. I am so thankful for everyone around me, and it touches my heart.
I know my dad is smiling right now...
Thursday, May 06, 2004
I visited my father's grave today. I definitely wanted to visit before I went to Disneyland and before my birthday.
I miss him so much. I can't believe that I'm spending a birthday without him. I have never EVER had a birthday without my daddy...even when he was away for the Navy, I was never without his voice or his presense.
Another first...
I miss him so much. I can't believe that I'm spending a birthday without him. I have never EVER had a birthday without my daddy...even when he was away for the Navy, I was never without his voice or his presense.
Another first...
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
My mom was cutting out a picture of my dad from last Mother's Day. It's a cute Polaroid picture...it's my dad holding a card and a bouquet of flowers. The picture he actually gave to my mom has a little note written on it that says "A card, flowers and me!"
When we found that picture back in March, I just about lost it. I looked at it this morning and smiled sweetly as the tears rolled down.
This will be my first birthday without my daddy. Did I mention I was born on their second anniversary? May 8, 1970. So that's usually a busy weekend: my birthday, my parent's anniversary, and Mother's Day. We'll be busy again this weekend: Friday I'm in Disneyland with a friend, Saturday my family and I are in Palmdale, and Sunday in Alhambra.
My mom doesn't want any presents this weekend. She almost wants the days not to exist. She took me shopping yesterday and I got a few necklaces for my birthday.
In some ways, I feel the way she does. I'm afraid to celebrate. It's a bittersweet blessing to have been born on their second anniversary. It's always been fun when my dad was around...and I know it will be fun again in the years to come. But it's just so sad right now.
I'm going to try not to be melancholy when I'm at Disneyland...the happiest place on earth. The last time I went to Disneyland was with my family, although I did go to The Magic Kingdom in Disney World last April. I want to have fun, which I know I will. But my father will always be on my mind.
When we found that picture back in March, I just about lost it. I looked at it this morning and smiled sweetly as the tears rolled down.
This will be my first birthday without my daddy. Did I mention I was born on their second anniversary? May 8, 1970. So that's usually a busy weekend: my birthday, my parent's anniversary, and Mother's Day. We'll be busy again this weekend: Friday I'm in Disneyland with a friend, Saturday my family and I are in Palmdale, and Sunday in Alhambra.
My mom doesn't want any presents this weekend. She almost wants the days not to exist. She took me shopping yesterday and I got a few necklaces for my birthday.
In some ways, I feel the way she does. I'm afraid to celebrate. It's a bittersweet blessing to have been born on their second anniversary. It's always been fun when my dad was around...and I know it will be fun again in the years to come. But it's just so sad right now.
I'm going to try not to be melancholy when I'm at Disneyland...the happiest place on earth. The last time I went to Disneyland was with my family, although I did go to The Magic Kingdom in Disney World last April. I want to have fun, which I know I will. But my father will always be on my mind.
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Have you ever had one of those revellations that something just isn't going to happen? Have you ever thought "it could happen...it really could" and then come to the realization that maybe it isn't?
Yeah, I had one of those today.
Yeah, I had one of those today.
I feel like typing about my mini-obsessions, so indulge me. Even if you won't, it doesn't matter because this is MY blog, not yours, haha!
1. Pink.
Did you know that pink is the new black? Although black will always be my staple color (along with cobalt blue and denim), I have taken a liking to pink. I have bought so much pink lately that I'm afraid that sometime in October of this year I'll hate it and regret that I own so much of it. But that hasn't happened yet, and I've been on this pink high for the better part of a year now.
2. John Mayer
Yes. I really dig that boy. Man, can he wail on a GUI-tar. I watched the "Today" show that I taped last Friday, and the boy was wearing PINK (ok, he was wearing a black pin stripped blazer jacket with a pink collared long sleeve dress shirt underneath). He also sang a wonderful song called "Daughters" that I really like. I would like to meet him and have a 2 hour long conversation with him. That's all...REALLY. If he said "Your Body Is A Wonderland", I'd probably laugh and tell him to please not to ask for a ride on my rollercoaster.
But if you put him in front of me right now, I could change my mind...
3. Knitting
I love to knit. I'm quick enough with a garter stitch that I can finish a scarf in about 2 days. I am having trouble with the whole "knit-purl" thing, but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it. I want to expand my skills beyond the scarf.
4. Coffee
I take shots of double espresso now...meaning I actually SHOOT the coffee like it's a Kamikaze, and not sip it. Nothing less will do. Is that scary?
Alright. That's all I'll type for fear of scaring MYSELF.
Carry on.
1. Pink.
Did you know that pink is the new black? Although black will always be my staple color (along with cobalt blue and denim), I have taken a liking to pink. I have bought so much pink lately that I'm afraid that sometime in October of this year I'll hate it and regret that I own so much of it. But that hasn't happened yet, and I've been on this pink high for the better part of a year now.
2. John Mayer
Yes. I really dig that boy. Man, can he wail on a GUI-tar. I watched the "Today" show that I taped last Friday, and the boy was wearing PINK (ok, he was wearing a black pin stripped blazer jacket with a pink collared long sleeve dress shirt underneath). He also sang a wonderful song called "Daughters" that I really like. I would like to meet him and have a 2 hour long conversation with him. That's all...REALLY. If he said "Your Body Is A Wonderland", I'd probably laugh and tell him to please not to ask for a ride on my rollercoaster.
But if you put him in front of me right now, I could change my mind...
3. Knitting
I love to knit. I'm quick enough with a garter stitch that I can finish a scarf in about 2 days. I am having trouble with the whole "knit-purl" thing, but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it. I want to expand my skills beyond the scarf.
4. Coffee
I take shots of double espresso now...meaning I actually SHOOT the coffee like it's a Kamikaze, and not sip it. Nothing less will do. Is that scary?
Alright. That's all I'll type for fear of scaring MYSELF.
Carry on.
Monday, May 03, 2004
I watched "Big Fish" last night on DVD with my sister. If you haven't seen this movie, it's about a son who thinks his now dying father has been deceiving him for his entire life with fantastic stories, and feels that he doesn't know who his real father is.
A co-worker of mine saw it last week, and came into work with puffy eyes, like she had been crying. She said that after watching this movie, she really started to miss her father (who died when she was younger). We talked about whether or not I should watch this movie at this time, when things are so fresh...and I considered not watching, but when my sister said she had the DVD, I decided to watch it.
The movie was described as a modern day "Wizard of Oz", which I believe. It was a very good movie, and very emotional.
The part that I cried at the most (other than the end, which I will not reveal for those who have not seen it yet), was when I realized that the father's car was a red Dodge Charger.
Now, for those who know me...you all know that my first car was a Dodge Charger. I drove a 1971 Charger for at least 2 years.
I don't know what happened, but I just started sobbing. Then it worsened as the movie approached it's end.
I'll have to finish my thought in a little bit because they need to switch out my PC due to the fact that I had some pop-ads attack my system. Fuckers...
A co-worker of mine saw it last week, and came into work with puffy eyes, like she had been crying. She said that after watching this movie, she really started to miss her father (who died when she was younger). We talked about whether or not I should watch this movie at this time, when things are so fresh...and I considered not watching, but when my sister said she had the DVD, I decided to watch it.
The movie was described as a modern day "Wizard of Oz", which I believe. It was a very good movie, and very emotional.
The part that I cried at the most (other than the end, which I will not reveal for those who have not seen it yet), was when I realized that the father's car was a red Dodge Charger.
Now, for those who know me...you all know that my first car was a Dodge Charger. I drove a 1971 Charger for at least 2 years.
I don't know what happened, but I just started sobbing. Then it worsened as the movie approached it's end.
I'll have to finish my thought in a little bit because they need to switch out my PC due to the fact that I had some pop-ads attack my system. Fuckers...
