Monday, June 20, 2005
Taurus
Unlike Superman, you may not be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. You might have to settle for using the elevators or the stairs. Small steps and concrete actions are what the situation calls for right now rather than dramatic actions. In the end, though, the method doesn't matter -- what counts is that the end result is the same. So being faster than a speeding bullet really doesn't count for much as long as you end up where you need to be.
I really needed to read that. I think I keep trying to make sweeping changes in my life, knowing that I can't handle the dramatic difference between what was, and what is now. The abrupt loss of my father has taken me a year to realize the ramifications on my life.
I didn't realize a lot that I pushed aside, and my horoscope for today really brings it home. I keep trying to speed up the recovery process, and it's not an overnight thing.
This weekend was pretty good...but still altogether very difficult. Friday, I went to my dad's grave and sat there and cried. When I left, I got in my car and cried again...then I went shopping because I didn't want to cry anymore. But I came home, and looked at pictures of my dad. I didn't do that before because I was afraid to really REALLY deal with my father's death.
Saturday, I went to a baptism...then more shopping with my mom and then off to the reception for the baptism. I then went out with Toffee and his friends and had a good time. I DID however get hit on at a gay night club. I've NEVER gotten hit on before, but I definitely did on Saturday night. I just wanted to dance, drink and have fun without all that mess. Deperate hetero guys who go do gay clubs to hit on women are PATHETIC.
Sunday was Father's Day. I slept until about 1pm. Actually, I woke up at 9am, then napped until 1pm. I was not wanting to actually go out, but my mom wanted to go to a family picnic...which surprised me because I didn't think she would actually want to attend something like that. Last year, we were in Canada during Father's Day. I think that was easier because it was in an unfamiliar place.
I've figured out that I've been avoiding a lot of dealing with my father's death. I have been just getting through and doing other things to distract myself. It has ALL gotten to me...living with my mom, going through construction, the unresloved issue with my brother in law, and other quite personal things that have happened.
I have been taking it out on UNLV mostly...because he was the source of my escape last year. Now that he's so busy, it's hard to understand and hard to deal with myself.
I have to actually deal with ME. I'm always in my own head, but with other things. I'm scared to think about how scared I am. The prospect that this is actually my life is hard to deal with. Last year, I just was looking forward to the next month. I was living month to month and how I could get away from San Diego. I was in Canada 3 times, and in Vegas 6 times.
Oh God...this is my life. The reality is sinking in. I can't sit idle on the couch and just watch it being eaten up by time. I have to save money for a computer, I have to finish organizing my room and my house.
I'm very very sad right now. I was happy for the most part, and I know I am generally...but realizations mount and I'm frightened about the prospects of an uncertain future. Before, the uncertainty was exciting, but now it's scary.
My dad really never is coming back.
Unlike Superman, you may not be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. You might have to settle for using the elevators or the stairs. Small steps and concrete actions are what the situation calls for right now rather than dramatic actions. In the end, though, the method doesn't matter -- what counts is that the end result is the same. So being faster than a speeding bullet really doesn't count for much as long as you end up where you need to be.
I really needed to read that. I think I keep trying to make sweeping changes in my life, knowing that I can't handle the dramatic difference between what was, and what is now. The abrupt loss of my father has taken me a year to realize the ramifications on my life.
I didn't realize a lot that I pushed aside, and my horoscope for today really brings it home. I keep trying to speed up the recovery process, and it's not an overnight thing.
This weekend was pretty good...but still altogether very difficult. Friday, I went to my dad's grave and sat there and cried. When I left, I got in my car and cried again...then I went shopping because I didn't want to cry anymore. But I came home, and looked at pictures of my dad. I didn't do that before because I was afraid to really REALLY deal with my father's death.
Saturday, I went to a baptism...then more shopping with my mom and then off to the reception for the baptism. I then went out with Toffee and his friends and had a good time. I DID however get hit on at a gay night club. I've NEVER gotten hit on before, but I definitely did on Saturday night. I just wanted to dance, drink and have fun without all that mess. Deperate hetero guys who go do gay clubs to hit on women are PATHETIC.
Sunday was Father's Day. I slept until about 1pm. Actually, I woke up at 9am, then napped until 1pm. I was not wanting to actually go out, but my mom wanted to go to a family picnic...which surprised me because I didn't think she would actually want to attend something like that. Last year, we were in Canada during Father's Day. I think that was easier because it was in an unfamiliar place.
I've figured out that I've been avoiding a lot of dealing with my father's death. I have been just getting through and doing other things to distract myself. It has ALL gotten to me...living with my mom, going through construction, the unresloved issue with my brother in law, and other quite personal things that have happened.
I have been taking it out on UNLV mostly...because he was the source of my escape last year. Now that he's so busy, it's hard to understand and hard to deal with myself.
I have to actually deal with ME. I'm always in my own head, but with other things. I'm scared to think about how scared I am. The prospect that this is actually my life is hard to deal with. Last year, I just was looking forward to the next month. I was living month to month and how I could get away from San Diego. I was in Canada 3 times, and in Vegas 6 times.
Oh God...this is my life. The reality is sinking in. I can't sit idle on the couch and just watch it being eaten up by time. I have to save money for a computer, I have to finish organizing my room and my house.
I'm very very sad right now. I was happy for the most part, and I know I am generally...but realizations mount and I'm frightened about the prospects of an uncertain future. Before, the uncertainty was exciting, but now it's scary.
My dad really never is coming back.
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