Monday, May 23, 2005
I think I'm going insane.
I did something really strange this weekend, and I can't really attribute it to anything other than the fact that I feel like I'm losing control of my life.
One of my work friends father is dying of cancer. She just went to Seattle to be with him and the rest of her family. When she received the call, I went to her desk and just gave her a big hug. A few of us received an email not too long ago from her in Seattle, and she said that things are bleak, and that the end is drawing near.
I wondered which would be easier to deal with: an immediate and tragic death of a loved one, or a slow and painful one. I know neither would be "better" but I think my friend is lucky she got to say good bye.
The last thing my dad said to me was to remember to call the insurance company for when my car was hit at my condo earlier in the year.
Father's Day is coming up, and a whole other wave of emotions is about to overcome me. My mother is slowly coming to grips with the fact my father is actually gone, and has said that she may want to see a therapist.
In the meantime, I seem to be grasping. I feel like I'm drowning and everytime I come up for air, I get pulled down again.
The person who is the brunt of the chokehold is very angry at me right now, and I'm in constant fear of losing his friendship. I seem to be regressing, and I can't understand why it would be happening now, of all times.
I realized last night that I need to just back away and figure out what is causing this sudden neediness and deal with that on my own.
I was supposed to go to Lake Havasu...and if you can't figure it out, it was with UNLV. I feel his friendship slipping away and I think it's just something that is happening within me out of fear. There is some reality to it, but because of his school work and rental property situation, and not me really...yet it's quickly becoming because of me and if I don't back away now, I could damage it permanently.
I'm feeling trapped. I'm feeling like I can't get away. There have been times that UNLV was supposed to come down for either my birthday or for the weekend and hasn't, and I suddenly feel my freedom for that weekend had been abruptly taken away.
I also fear that I'm no longer important enough to him anymore. I feel very much in the background and unfortunately that fear takes over and becomes this monster that I allow to grow and fester.
Because of it, past behaviors have surfaced...and I find myself looking into a mirror from about 3-4 years ago and I don't like that image. I'm not that person, but something inside me has caused it come out. Something has triggered that fear. I recognize that person, but I thought I left her behind when my father passed away.
I believe I have left that person behind, but because of this irrational fear, she has peaked her desperate and insecure head and I allowed it to grab hold of me and I didn't shake her from my grasp until last night.
Today, I don't recognize that person. I'm shaking my head out of the fog, and I realize part of why I allowed myself to wallow in that fear. I'm afraid of reliving a moment from New Years 2002-2003 in Las Vegas with UNLV, and I was afraid that it would happen again at Lake Havasu. I allowed that fear to push me into a decision to cancel my plans with UNLV, just to save me from what may have happened.
I have absolutely no assurance that it would happen that way again, but the fear was very real and until this morning...I belived that fear to be true.
I think this is the time for me to just keep to myself for awhile, and create space around me. I have been enjoying yoga and when I turn out all the lights and practice my asanas to candlelight, I feel in tune with my breathing and myself.
I also need to visit my father's grave. There is no other way to ground myself. When I see his name forever carved in that grave marker, I realize why so much of my life has been in such a typhoon. I see why I feel like a chunk out of my being has been missing. I realize why I need to let those petty fears and irrational thoughts just go by the wayside and go down the gutter with the waste water.
I miss you dad. So much.
I did something really strange this weekend, and I can't really attribute it to anything other than the fact that I feel like I'm losing control of my life.
One of my work friends father is dying of cancer. She just went to Seattle to be with him and the rest of her family. When she received the call, I went to her desk and just gave her a big hug. A few of us received an email not too long ago from her in Seattle, and she said that things are bleak, and that the end is drawing near.
I wondered which would be easier to deal with: an immediate and tragic death of a loved one, or a slow and painful one. I know neither would be "better" but I think my friend is lucky she got to say good bye.
The last thing my dad said to me was to remember to call the insurance company for when my car was hit at my condo earlier in the year.
Father's Day is coming up, and a whole other wave of emotions is about to overcome me. My mother is slowly coming to grips with the fact my father is actually gone, and has said that she may want to see a therapist.
In the meantime, I seem to be grasping. I feel like I'm drowning and everytime I come up for air, I get pulled down again.
The person who is the brunt of the chokehold is very angry at me right now, and I'm in constant fear of losing his friendship. I seem to be regressing, and I can't understand why it would be happening now, of all times.
I realized last night that I need to just back away and figure out what is causing this sudden neediness and deal with that on my own.
I was supposed to go to Lake Havasu...and if you can't figure it out, it was with UNLV. I feel his friendship slipping away and I think it's just something that is happening within me out of fear. There is some reality to it, but because of his school work and rental property situation, and not me really...yet it's quickly becoming because of me and if I don't back away now, I could damage it permanently.
I'm feeling trapped. I'm feeling like I can't get away. There have been times that UNLV was supposed to come down for either my birthday or for the weekend and hasn't, and I suddenly feel my freedom for that weekend had been abruptly taken away.
I also fear that I'm no longer important enough to him anymore. I feel very much in the background and unfortunately that fear takes over and becomes this monster that I allow to grow and fester.
Because of it, past behaviors have surfaced...and I find myself looking into a mirror from about 3-4 years ago and I don't like that image. I'm not that person, but something inside me has caused it come out. Something has triggered that fear. I recognize that person, but I thought I left her behind when my father passed away.
I believe I have left that person behind, but because of this irrational fear, she has peaked her desperate and insecure head and I allowed it to grab hold of me and I didn't shake her from my grasp until last night.
Today, I don't recognize that person. I'm shaking my head out of the fog, and I realize part of why I allowed myself to wallow in that fear. I'm afraid of reliving a moment from New Years 2002-2003 in Las Vegas with UNLV, and I was afraid that it would happen again at Lake Havasu. I allowed that fear to push me into a decision to cancel my plans with UNLV, just to save me from what may have happened.
I have absolutely no assurance that it would happen that way again, but the fear was very real and until this morning...I belived that fear to be true.
I think this is the time for me to just keep to myself for awhile, and create space around me. I have been enjoying yoga and when I turn out all the lights and practice my asanas to candlelight, I feel in tune with my breathing and myself.
I also need to visit my father's grave. There is no other way to ground myself. When I see his name forever carved in that grave marker, I realize why so much of my life has been in such a typhoon. I see why I feel like a chunk out of my being has been missing. I realize why I need to let those petty fears and irrational thoughts just go by the wayside and go down the gutter with the waste water.
I miss you dad. So much.
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