Tuesday, December 07, 2004
It's the 9 month anniversary of my father's death. Can you believe it's been THAT long? I can't. In 3 more months, it will be 1 year.
I feel like it was yesterday. Right now, the wound is raw because it's the holiday. I've been having strange and anxious dreams.
I'm in another state of disbelief. I absolutely cannot phathom that my father isn't going to be around at Christmas. It blows my mind in so many different ways. It floors me that my family is going to have to just get through it. Part of me doesn't want to get there, and the other part of me just wants it all to be over.
When I'm in my car, I think to myself...that it's nice to have it, but what if I could trade it in to have my father back? What if I could do something or say something that would make him return to us so that the world could be balanced again?
I would give everything back in a heartbeat if that could happen. To have order in my family, to have the security of my father's presense, and to have my mother happy again.
But I know that's unrealistic. I know.
I am generally happy, but I feel different. I feel like the world is different. I appreciate the little things more, I appreciate that I have learned so much and continue to learn. The things that used to make me so upset just don't phase me anymore.
I feel like it was yesterday. Right now, the wound is raw because it's the holiday. I've been having strange and anxious dreams.
I'm in another state of disbelief. I absolutely cannot phathom that my father isn't going to be around at Christmas. It blows my mind in so many different ways. It floors me that my family is going to have to just get through it. Part of me doesn't want to get there, and the other part of me just wants it all to be over.
When I'm in my car, I think to myself...that it's nice to have it, but what if I could trade it in to have my father back? What if I could do something or say something that would make him return to us so that the world could be balanced again?
I would give everything back in a heartbeat if that could happen. To have order in my family, to have the security of my father's presense, and to have my mother happy again.
But I know that's unrealistic. I know.
I am generally happy, but I feel different. I feel like the world is different. I appreciate the little things more, I appreciate that I have learned so much and continue to learn. The things that used to make me so upset just don't phase me anymore.
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