Monday, October 11, 2004
It doesn't quite end, does it?
I thought that the rehashing of my father's death would have been finished by now...but it's not.
My mom asked me to fill out a complaint form that we're submitting to the Naval Hospital about the conduct of the surgeon that operated on my father. He was rude when the second tests were conducted to determine brain activity and instead of pulling us aside, he announced the news in the open air to the room. I had several relatives there, and the other family that wasn't related to us suddenly got up and left the room. My mom's primary doctor already began the complaint process for us because he said that just because we can't sue the Navy for possible malpractice and win, we can at least complain about the horrible bedside manner of the doctor in charge of my father's operation and make sure he is repremanded.
I'm also filling out visa and Philippine passport applications for my mom and now I have to indicate "widower" as her marital status, and it breaks my mom's heart everytime she has to read it.
My mom had to go to Palmdale this weekend to finish up the taxes because everything has changed. My mom has to go back to the hospital to get my father's W-2 because it was missing in the paperwork we sent to my aunt (she does our taxes).
We have to finish filling out the paperwork for the living trust, and the lawyer is going to call us when he has the "quit claim" form for my sister and her husband to sign so that the house goes back into my mom's name.
I feel like I'm inundated by paperwork, and I can't make it stop. I feel like my head is going to explode and my heart is breaking all over again.
Oh GOD, we have to worry about the grave marker. My sister said that it was the mortuary's mistake and that the will be taking care of it. I just went there on Saturday morning before my great aunt's birthday party and just absolutely sobbed. I sobbed more heavily than I had ever before. Seeing his name just rips apart my heart. I almost couldn't walk back up the grassy hill and had to sit again before resuming the walk to my car. I sat in my car and sobbed again for about 5 more minutes.
It's like I'm reliving everything again.
It's like someone is taking a wound that seems to be healing and ripping the bandages open and is forcing me to look at how deep the cut is.
I hate drama. With everything that's going on, I think that I just need to cut the drama in my life so that I don't have to deal with it ON TOP of all of this. I just want my life to be sedate and uneventful, so that when things like this happen, then I won't be on such an emotional rollercoaster. Some days are better than others, and for the last few enteries, I was having some very good weeks.
If I could just take 1 month and just get away...just to do nothing but knit, read, relax, travel a bit and really sleep.
This is definitely one of those waves that swell up to a crest and comes down crashing on me, and I'm left broken on the beach, confused and battered. I wonder how I get myself to work and how I get through the day.
A couple of my aunties asked me this weekend if I was dating or if I had a boyfriend. I said no, and they wanted to know if they could set me up. I explained that I just didn't want to do that right now. I don't have the energy to date, and I just want to take care of my family and myself right now. They kind of implored and asked me if I could just meet someone as a "friend" and I just said that I appreciate the gesture, but no.
Not right now...and even then, I don't know when...
I don't want to even think about it.
I thought that the rehashing of my father's death would have been finished by now...but it's not.
My mom asked me to fill out a complaint form that we're submitting to the Naval Hospital about the conduct of the surgeon that operated on my father. He was rude when the second tests were conducted to determine brain activity and instead of pulling us aside, he announced the news in the open air to the room. I had several relatives there, and the other family that wasn't related to us suddenly got up and left the room. My mom's primary doctor already began the complaint process for us because he said that just because we can't sue the Navy for possible malpractice and win, we can at least complain about the horrible bedside manner of the doctor in charge of my father's operation and make sure he is repremanded.
I'm also filling out visa and Philippine passport applications for my mom and now I have to indicate "widower" as her marital status, and it breaks my mom's heart everytime she has to read it.
My mom had to go to Palmdale this weekend to finish up the taxes because everything has changed. My mom has to go back to the hospital to get my father's W-2 because it was missing in the paperwork we sent to my aunt (she does our taxes).
We have to finish filling out the paperwork for the living trust, and the lawyer is going to call us when he has the "quit claim" form for my sister and her husband to sign so that the house goes back into my mom's name.
I feel like I'm inundated by paperwork, and I can't make it stop. I feel like my head is going to explode and my heart is breaking all over again.
Oh GOD, we have to worry about the grave marker. My sister said that it was the mortuary's mistake and that the will be taking care of it. I just went there on Saturday morning before my great aunt's birthday party and just absolutely sobbed. I sobbed more heavily than I had ever before. Seeing his name just rips apart my heart. I almost couldn't walk back up the grassy hill and had to sit again before resuming the walk to my car. I sat in my car and sobbed again for about 5 more minutes.
It's like I'm reliving everything again.
It's like someone is taking a wound that seems to be healing and ripping the bandages open and is forcing me to look at how deep the cut is.
I hate drama. With everything that's going on, I think that I just need to cut the drama in my life so that I don't have to deal with it ON TOP of all of this. I just want my life to be sedate and uneventful, so that when things like this happen, then I won't be on such an emotional rollercoaster. Some days are better than others, and for the last few enteries, I was having some very good weeks.
If I could just take 1 month and just get away...just to do nothing but knit, read, relax, travel a bit and really sleep.
This is definitely one of those waves that swell up to a crest and comes down crashing on me, and I'm left broken on the beach, confused and battered. I wonder how I get myself to work and how I get through the day.
A couple of my aunties asked me this weekend if I was dating or if I had a boyfriend. I said no, and they wanted to know if they could set me up. I explained that I just didn't want to do that right now. I don't have the energy to date, and I just want to take care of my family and myself right now. They kind of implored and asked me if I could just meet someone as a "friend" and I just said that I appreciate the gesture, but no.
Not right now...and even then, I don't know when...
I don't want to even think about it.
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