Thursday, August 12, 2004
The things you find when you're cleaning house...
I'm gutting my room right now. I'm clearing out magazines from 1995. NINETEEN NINETY FIVE. Lord, like I need to go back in time to see what hideous thing I was wearing back then!
I was looking through some old journals that I wrote, and the most recent was last year. I am a different person. Although my essence is the same, my world view is so different.
I wish it wasn't my father's death that caused the revellations I have made, but I guess there hasn't been enough of a shock to my system until that point. I really thought that I was destined to live the life that I was, and this tragedy has made me realize that I need to take charge. There's so much that I will not put up with, so much that I know I'm not supposed to suffer...but I let things like that happen to me before because I just thought it was supposed to be that way.
Life is maliable, pliable and in constant flux. There is a destiny as far as where we will all end up eventually, but it's all like "The Butterly Effect"...small changes now will lead to an ending that would be much different if you didn't make those small changes.
That's why I just can't talk to my sister like nothing went wrong this weekend. I am standing my ground. I think she and her husband have been too complacent. My sister just thinks this is supposed to just blow over and if she left me alone for a few days I'd get over it. Her husband wronged me. It was rude and unacceptable. If she doesn't realize that and lose that pride and apologize, then I will let her know that although I won't ask for the apology, I won't let her "get away" with letting this issue just disappear. If it were me, and my husband did that...he would be facing a world of hurt for even entering a discussion with me and my sister without my permission.
My sister is becoming so weak. Instead of standing up for herself, she becomes this emotional wreck that is in constant need of salvation. As I said to my friend the other night: "My sister is trying to be a daughter, a sister and a wife all at the same time...and she is really bad at multi-tasking!" It's like she can't be strong in all of those areas because she's afraid of losing someone in the process.
I have faith that I won't lose my sister in all of this. That's why I'm standing my ground. I'm right, and I know that I deserve an apology. If she is too scared to do it, then I will tell her why they were wrong. Then I'm going to explain that the extent of my contact with her husband will be civil and that's it. I do not desire a close relationship with him at all, and I do not accept him as any man of my parent's household.
Cold? Yes. Harsh? Of course. But I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt before, even when he yelled at my mom...and he should be thankful I wasn't there to witness that because then he would have had the displeasure of my reaction. After the utter rudeness and shameful disrespect of who I am, my place in my household, and the fact that I'm older...I really don't care. My sister should just be happy that I'm going to be civil.
I'm gutting my room right now. I'm clearing out magazines from 1995. NINETEEN NINETY FIVE. Lord, like I need to go back in time to see what hideous thing I was wearing back then!
I was looking through some old journals that I wrote, and the most recent was last year. I am a different person. Although my essence is the same, my world view is so different.
I wish it wasn't my father's death that caused the revellations I have made, but I guess there hasn't been enough of a shock to my system until that point. I really thought that I was destined to live the life that I was, and this tragedy has made me realize that I need to take charge. There's so much that I will not put up with, so much that I know I'm not supposed to suffer...but I let things like that happen to me before because I just thought it was supposed to be that way.
Life is maliable, pliable and in constant flux. There is a destiny as far as where we will all end up eventually, but it's all like "The Butterly Effect"...small changes now will lead to an ending that would be much different if you didn't make those small changes.
That's why I just can't talk to my sister like nothing went wrong this weekend. I am standing my ground. I think she and her husband have been too complacent. My sister just thinks this is supposed to just blow over and if she left me alone for a few days I'd get over it. Her husband wronged me. It was rude and unacceptable. If she doesn't realize that and lose that pride and apologize, then I will let her know that although I won't ask for the apology, I won't let her "get away" with letting this issue just disappear. If it were me, and my husband did that...he would be facing a world of hurt for even entering a discussion with me and my sister without my permission.
My sister is becoming so weak. Instead of standing up for herself, she becomes this emotional wreck that is in constant need of salvation. As I said to my friend the other night: "My sister is trying to be a daughter, a sister and a wife all at the same time...and she is really bad at multi-tasking!" It's like she can't be strong in all of those areas because she's afraid of losing someone in the process.
I have faith that I won't lose my sister in all of this. That's why I'm standing my ground. I'm right, and I know that I deserve an apology. If she is too scared to do it, then I will tell her why they were wrong. Then I'm going to explain that the extent of my contact with her husband will be civil and that's it. I do not desire a close relationship with him at all, and I do not accept him as any man of my parent's household.
Cold? Yes. Harsh? Of course. But I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt before, even when he yelled at my mom...and he should be thankful I wasn't there to witness that because then he would have had the displeasure of my reaction. After the utter rudeness and shameful disrespect of who I am, my place in my household, and the fact that I'm older...I really don't care. My sister should just be happy that I'm going to be civil.
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