any second now...

Yesterday was Easter Sunday, and it was very difficult. Going to church with just us three and that missing piece, that space in our family...the space on the wooden pew that used to be my father's.

It was hard to watch all the families with their fathers, knowing that they will go about their day. They will have their Easter brunches together. Most won't have to go to their father's grave and celebrate their first Easter there...

It's all crashing down.

It's all caving in.

My mom and I had a fight on Saturday morning. We screamed. I don't want to yell at her. I don't. But I'm frustrated. I feel like she doesn't understand me. I feel like she doesn't get what I mean when I say we need to see the councelor. I feel like she thinks I have no faith in her ability to handle things emotionally.

And she would be right.

My mom doesn't realize the burden she puts on me when she says the things that she does. She doesn't realize that she makes me feel inadequate by bringing up my shortcomings in a time like this. She says that I'm selfish and think only about myself. She said that she says that I don't do anything to help in the daily rituals and activities of the household.

My mother expects me to read her mind. She expects me to know just what she needs when she needs it.

Now I see where I get it from. Unrealistic expectations. I never realized that it was something ingrained in me for years.

Who do I apologize to for that?

I guess for a start, I don't want to talk about it with my friends anymore...as much as possible. I feel like I sound like a broken record. I feel like what I'm going through is the whole of my being right now, and I don't want talk about it with them.

I know they understand, and I know they'll be there for me, I don't want to expect them to understand and expect them to be there for me at the drop of the hat. But it depresses me to talk about it with them. I'm already having a difficult time with everything away from my friends, but I don't want to talk about it too much when I'm around them.

So, dear friends...I will definitely try to confine my thoughts with regards to my father's death as much as I can to my blog. It tires me to talk about it outside my family, because it occupies the whole of my existance. If you want to know specifics, I'll tell you...but you can read everything here.

I guess I'm afraid that you'll get tired of hearing it from me, and get tired of my company. It's not that I don't have faith in each and every one of you...it's just that I'm tired of dealing with it already, but I have no choice but to go through it.

I will also keep my expectation levels down to a minimum. If I call you, and I don't hear from you right away, or if you don't pick up your cell phone when you see me on caller ID, then I won't expect you all to get back to me at a moments notice. You are not at my beck and call, and I apologize if I've ever made it seem that way. I know what that feels like, and I hate it.

GOD, grant me the serenity

to accept the things
I cannot change,
Courage to change the

things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference.
Living ONE DAY AT A TIME;

Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this

sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make

all things right if I
surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy

in this life, and supremely
happy with Him forever in
the next. Amen