Tuesday, April 27, 2004
My mom and I went to the councelor last night.
It's safe to say that my mom is just over sensitive, and we are stressed as a family. A lot of the problems are a result of this situation we are in, and there's no way around it. If something bothers us, we have to find a way to get through it...even if we have to avoid certain subjects.
My mom wants to "find out" what "really happened" during my father's surgery. I don't know why, but I feel so weird about bringing that all up again. I'm not sure why we have to rehash that all again.
My father's death seems like a lifetime away. I feel like I've lived years between now and March 1. I feel like if we rehash his death, it's like we can't leave the past.
I just realized how cold that sounds...but my goal is to work on trying to cope with my father's death. I feel like drudging up things like what failed during his surgery is just going to allow us to wallow in what could have been instead of what is right now.
To me, doing all of this is not going to bring my dad back. Why go through all that trouble when nothing is going to happen? It's not going to give me anymore peace of mind because my father will remain dead, even after we find out what went wrong. It's not like it's a reversible situation. It's not like once we find out that the surgeons did something wrong, that my dad will suddenly rise from his grave and be alive again.
Nothing that we do to "avenge" my father's death will bring him back. No amount of fighting the system will bring him back home to where he's sitting in front of the TV and I walk in and say hi to him like I have for my entire life.
Nothing is going to bring my father back. Nothing. And we have to move on and deal with it. We have beautiful memories, pictures and stories to share. That surgery that took him away was the worst possible moment in my entire life, and I don't want to go back there.
I want to be as far from there as I possibly can.
It's safe to say that my mom is just over sensitive, and we are stressed as a family. A lot of the problems are a result of this situation we are in, and there's no way around it. If something bothers us, we have to find a way to get through it...even if we have to avoid certain subjects.
My mom wants to "find out" what "really happened" during my father's surgery. I don't know why, but I feel so weird about bringing that all up again. I'm not sure why we have to rehash that all again.
My father's death seems like a lifetime away. I feel like I've lived years between now and March 1. I feel like if we rehash his death, it's like we can't leave the past.
I just realized how cold that sounds...but my goal is to work on trying to cope with my father's death. I feel like drudging up things like what failed during his surgery is just going to allow us to wallow in what could have been instead of what is right now.
To me, doing all of this is not going to bring my dad back. Why go through all that trouble when nothing is going to happen? It's not going to give me anymore peace of mind because my father will remain dead, even after we find out what went wrong. It's not like it's a reversible situation. It's not like once we find out that the surgeons did something wrong, that my dad will suddenly rise from his grave and be alive again.
Nothing that we do to "avenge" my father's death will bring him back. No amount of fighting the system will bring him back home to where he's sitting in front of the TV and I walk in and say hi to him like I have for my entire life.
Nothing is going to bring my father back. Nothing. And we have to move on and deal with it. We have beautiful memories, pictures and stories to share. That surgery that took him away was the worst possible moment in my entire life, and I don't want to go back there.
I want to be as far from there as I possibly can.
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