Thursday, April 22, 2004
I cannot stand to feel like I'm out of control. Even when I'm intoxicated, I hate that feeling. I've been there, and I don't like it. I like being buzzed, but I don't like being out of control.
I am feeling out of control. I don't feel crazed...I just feel like things are falling out of my grasp. I feel like things around me don't make sense.
My mother gets angry at me when I'm "too logical." She thinks that I'm talking down to her. What it is, is that I feel like she has her own way of assessing things that don't fall within the guidelines of common sense. Even before my father passed away, she looked at things a little differently. Sometimes we see eye to eye, but when we're in an argument or debate, then she skews the situation to fit her fight, and it is ALWAYS contradictory to logic.
I love my mom. I love her dearly. I just think that she needs to take something for this emotional rollercoaster that she sends us on every week. Every week it's SOMETHING. Every week, there is a crisis.
I visited my dad's grave today (my sister and I went on also went on Sunday), and I had no words. I just sat there and sobbed. I couldn't put into words what I was feeling, or what I needed.
My dad was the glue that held my mother together. I can see that so clearly now. Hence, my mother is unravelling. It's difficult to watch, and even moreso to be the receiving end of it.
I need a nap.
I am feeling out of control. I don't feel crazed...I just feel like things are falling out of my grasp. I feel like things around me don't make sense.
My mother gets angry at me when I'm "too logical." She thinks that I'm talking down to her. What it is, is that I feel like she has her own way of assessing things that don't fall within the guidelines of common sense. Even before my father passed away, she looked at things a little differently. Sometimes we see eye to eye, but when we're in an argument or debate, then she skews the situation to fit her fight, and it is ALWAYS contradictory to logic.
I love my mom. I love her dearly. I just think that she needs to take something for this emotional rollercoaster that she sends us on every week. Every week it's SOMETHING. Every week, there is a crisis.
I visited my dad's grave today (my sister and I went on also went on Sunday), and I had no words. I just sat there and sobbed. I couldn't put into words what I was feeling, or what I needed.
My dad was the glue that held my mother together. I can see that so clearly now. Hence, my mother is unravelling. It's difficult to watch, and even moreso to be the receiving end of it.
I need a nap.
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