Tuesday, April 13, 2004
Being emotionally confused is a bitch.
I have absolutely no stability. I can't make up my mind. I can't hang on to a feeling for more than a minute before I either analyze it to death or stomp on it for being in existance for more than that minute.
The worst part is that sometimes I can see pieces of how I used to be prior to my father's death...and I'm a little scared of that person...
That person seems so naive and so anxious. That person seemed much more needy and even desperate at times.
But I don't know who this person is who has emerged from what has happened. I know I'm not cynical, I don't think that's it. I don't think that's it because I'm a positive person.
I'm tired of crying. I almost wish that I just couldn't feel anything for just a few days. I'm always left with the feeling that something is missing. I feel so incomplete...
I feel random. That's IT. It's not that I don't have any direction...I know pretty much where I'm going and how to get there. But my feelings and emotions are scattered. They are all over the place.
Normally, I hate that kind of instability...and I actually don't like that I can't nail down my feelings. But I do like that I'm not that person I was before.
I wish my father was alive. I wish that he was at work right now, so that I could have the security in knowing my daddy would be there for me and my family. But if there was anything that I could positively take away from what is happening...it would be that I've completely changed.
I really have changed. I know my friends believe that I'm still the same sweet gal...but a lot of my thought processes have morphed in some way. Things that I thought were urgent, just aren't anymore.
For instance, I really thought the "goal" was to get married and have kids. I really believed that was some kind of end all be all.
I would love to be married...someday. When the right person comes along, with the right intentions, and when I'm emotionally ready. I could be emotionally ready next year...but I'm not counting on that.
What I realized is that I feel my goals should reflect the person that I am, and the person I would like to be. If I become someone's wife, I don't want that to be my label. I still want to be ME, and not defined by "mother" or "spouse".
I also want to learn as much as I can. I want to be fluent in a few languages. I want to travel the world. I want to be even more creative than I have been.
See, RANDOM...
I have absolutely no stability. I can't make up my mind. I can't hang on to a feeling for more than a minute before I either analyze it to death or stomp on it for being in existance for more than that minute.
The worst part is that sometimes I can see pieces of how I used to be prior to my father's death...and I'm a little scared of that person...
That person seems so naive and so anxious. That person seemed much more needy and even desperate at times.
But I don't know who this person is who has emerged from what has happened. I know I'm not cynical, I don't think that's it. I don't think that's it because I'm a positive person.
I'm tired of crying. I almost wish that I just couldn't feel anything for just a few days. I'm always left with the feeling that something is missing. I feel so incomplete...
I feel random. That's IT. It's not that I don't have any direction...I know pretty much where I'm going and how to get there. But my feelings and emotions are scattered. They are all over the place.
Normally, I hate that kind of instability...and I actually don't like that I can't nail down my feelings. But I do like that I'm not that person I was before.
I wish my father was alive. I wish that he was at work right now, so that I could have the security in knowing my daddy would be there for me and my family. But if there was anything that I could positively take away from what is happening...it would be that I've completely changed.
I really have changed. I know my friends believe that I'm still the same sweet gal...but a lot of my thought processes have morphed in some way. Things that I thought were urgent, just aren't anymore.
For instance, I really thought the "goal" was to get married and have kids. I really believed that was some kind of end all be all.
I would love to be married...someday. When the right person comes along, with the right intentions, and when I'm emotionally ready. I could be emotionally ready next year...but I'm not counting on that.
What I realized is that I feel my goals should reflect the person that I am, and the person I would like to be. If I become someone's wife, I don't want that to be my label. I still want to be ME, and not defined by "mother" or "spouse".
I also want to learn as much as I can. I want to be fluent in a few languages. I want to travel the world. I want to be even more creative than I have been.
See, RANDOM...
Comments:
Post a Comment
